Trying my best

Sometimes I wonder....how much damage or hurt could I possibly cause...by something that is beyond my control...subconciously...

But the bitter truth for me...my subconcious actions...sometimes, reveals my true thought about a person...but still, you dont mean to hurt anyone in the process....you just do...

Should I just think...its not worth thinking about it...it is inevitable....you could not have done it any better....someone has to bear the consequences....


While I share the same opinion...I myself would get angry if I am in your position...there is nothing much I could do to rectify the situation is there?

Should I let time heal your wounds and change your mind? Is time such a meaningful factor in your evaluation of a person?


Sometimes I get that a lot...when people take me very seriously....due to the person I appear to be everyday....its a surprise when my "real" thoughts got out and you are the few who get to "see" it...

No matter how real it seems to you...its not really how I envisioned it to be...you just have to give me a chance...because I'm trying my best...

Please overlook my flaws...I wish the best for you that you can be sure of...Im sure you do too...so could we just let this one slide and the future to come...

A Ramadhan To Remember

Alhamdulillah...Alhamdulillah...Alhamdulillah...

Praise to God...I can't say that enough...

Definitely this year's holy months of Ramadhan and Syawal are memorable and special...Its the kind of relief you get when a miracle happens...After feeling so helpless and all you could do is wait patiently and pray...I cannot describe such a feeling when something so important in your life is hanging by a thread...The thought of living with that unthinkable situation for the rest of my life makes my knees buckle, my hands tremble and tears shed...Im afraid of not being able to get up again after this...But finally, it was all over in a picturesque way...

I owe everything to Him..He is my saviour...He is my sustainer...He is my shelter..He is Allah my God.

But despite everything that have happenned, I must be aware of the significance of this event, and the new responsibility that comes with it...

With this opportunity bequeathed upon me, I must work harder than before so that the final outcome is reached and not go to waste...But, all the experience and hardship I faced earlier in college perhaps will give me a prepared mind about all the possibilities...And anticipate any harm and danger that comes my way...

With this endowment, it will not be the time for me to be jumping for joy and slack off...it will be the continuation of the challenging 2 years I spent in college or A Levels...I am aware of that fact and have considered it through...I am willing or rather, I have to undertake that sort of liability...

I know somehow, some people may not consider me fit for this task...I sometimes feel that too...But it is not the time to think who should or deserve to be in this position...Whoever is chosen must try his or her best to rise to the occasion...It is no longer about competing for the opportunity...but what can be done with the opportunity...Hence, I am not going to waver and feel that I dont deserve to be here no matter how true it is in reality....But, I am going to make sure that I have tried everything within my means, capability and capacity to live up to the standards...And Im going to make sure that I can only be judged and rated based on my own merit...

It is not a situation that can be looked upon simply and taken lightly...It has so many underlying principles and clauses which must be understood beforehand as to prevent any bad consequences.

Bismillah...Lets start the new chapter of life...

Salam..

On the edge

Finally exam is over....but Im short of celebrations....in fact, Im quite worried, because I did quite badly...I am currently grieving about it...

On the 13th of August, my life will change a lot...and I have to cope with that change...I am really hoping things will turn out well and I get to go to the university of my choice...

Also, I'm grateful that I have done a lot of extra activities besides studying lately...Alhamdulillah, the school I'm training Sains Banting has made a leap of faith, surpassing everyone's expectations including mine...I'm glad they made it to the 2nd round but it stopped just there...I hope they will be able to continue this great performance...

The student that I'm tutoring, is resiting his paper...and I just managed to have 2 sessions with him which is barely enough...hopefully he'll do well for that too and go to university of his choosing...

I'm sure most of my friends who just finished A levels are having a blast...but I'm not sure if I can tune in to that mood just yet...but there's a tonne loads of activities ahead I'm sure...I'm going to see the wind orchestra finale in PICC and meet up with old friends...and so much more ahead..

But, I'm afraid that my initial programme which I had in mind like finishing learning elementary and basic Mandarin...or finishing my study on Korean economy and politics...or even brushing up on my further maths since I'm still lagging behind in that...wouldnt be possible so soon with my current mood...

I just hope and pray...the future will be a good one as planned...amin...

salam~~

Sore eyes

My exam is starting soon...I cant say that enough...

Sometimes I wonder about the other things in life that matter as well besides than that...however, I still would think I made the choice to be responsible...

I may not enjoy too much of what I'm doing now...but I know somehow its something I must do in the name of "responsibility"...

What sort of "responsibility"...for starters, my responsibility as a Muslim, a son, a scholar, and a member of society...I just think that I want to do things for other people, and if this is one of the means I can do so, because, perhaps maybe studying is one of the things I have done better than other things in my whole life...

What I mean is that..im doing only what I can...how I feel the best way to contribute...


Im not sure if I am proud of the person I become today or in the future...because maybe it could have been better...if studying is not the only thing in my mind...could it be obsession...ambition?

I thought to myself, if there is more to life than studying, they would only be for myself and not for others (how's that for common sense)...I made a lot of sacrifices...time with family and friends...since a long time ago and still making them...I always wondered what if I had spent more time with them...But what had always kept me going is that, what I'm doing right now would also be for them later on...much later...and more indirect...sometimes, you never know how the most indirect way or act of giving will be much of the greatest gift of all, and most typically, not realised by many...

So, I was approached by this idea...you've done enough...take a break and have some "life"...you've forsaken too much of your life...

Which sometimes I feel hard to accept...because I have forsaken too much is the reason why I cant let go halfway...

Sometimes, I have to succumb to the fact I'm only human...no matter how much I want to deny emotions and sentiments...I can't...so I hid it...

Nevertheless, insyaAllah...if my heart is in the right place...everything will be resolved...the things I hoped to happen and fix will insyaAllah come...

The Meaning

Sometimes in the midst of all of these...I do feel tired mentally and physically or even spiritually...sometimes I feel so drained...focusing on only1 thing too much...but somehow I thought that without this 1 thing..it will affect my survival...

Thus, it puts me again to reflect the meaning of life...I do observe and compare other people's lives with mine...how they lead theirs and how I lead mine...somehow I thought my principles stays the same...I believe that how I lead my life now is fine...of course there are things that I dont have...but I guess that is the sacrifice and trade off that must and should be done...and I cant have it any other way....

When I look people do things just for the sake of it...for fun they say...when perhaps they are forgoing something very important...but I myself cant help but having my faith shaken a bit...should I do something differently...

But, when I rationalize it...the things I do know should made me feel happy...perhaps a bit indirectly...but that is how it is...

Perhaps if I am a bit more patient...I could see the light...I have to keep going...for me...

Lets work for a better future

Looking Upon A Treacherous Road, Looking Back A Bloody Trail

The title is somewhat long...but hold very fine intrinsic meanings...

I feel my time in Taylor's is too soon to end somehow...I am not prepared yet to face the more dangerous and challenging obstacles ahead...even now...I have trotted and my knees are faltering...I am desolated...

And yet another door has opened to of more of what I have been going through....The reality is it is far from complaining...but realizing a much greater commitment and load ahead....which cannot be avoided...or had in any other way...

Living on the edge is how it has been...Holding on was what it was...

Still thinking...not everything is as simple....not to be looked at simply....a trade-off is inevitable...making something out of nothing...desperation leads instead of motivation...


Is this the right path for me?...