The Road Where I Cried (Part 2)

Now...this post will be the more less abstract way of explaining things...haha...okay...just to wrap this part up...it started somewhere lately....I've been browsing through some old "documents" and stashed away materials...all of them seemed to depict my life journeys...in school that is...Actually I was searching for some missing certificates for some interviews coming ahead...everyone seems to wonder why that I tend to keep a LOT of stuff (hoarding)...useless stuffs that is...JUNK...but to me...they are like bits and pieces of my memories...shattered...separated...scattered...emancipated from my brain which has limited memory space...I forget easily...REALLY...for those who already knew me...they can't agree more to this statement...

So..as pieces come together...not as perfect as before...at least they gave me the impression and what does it feel like to live the good or bad old days...that took me to this very day...intrigued and somehow fascinated by all the reminiscing...I craved for more lost and unvisited pasts...yes...there were a lot of moments...a lot different from what I have now definitely...just another one of the bittersweet life contemplations...PPM Finals 2010...

It's almost a year since the lost...people might think that I am taking this WAY TOO MUCH...but for me...its not merely about the prize,the trophy,,,etc....surely that is the kind of motivation that people opt for in a competition...but I hoped to do much more than just to take the trophy to Ipoh...I at least wanted to repay my debate teachers for troubling themselves and the sacrifices they had made for me through 5 years of growing up in the debate family...I couldn't do anything else than this...at least before I am officially no longer in the team...

"Pemenang bagi kategori Bahas Bahasa Inggeris Piala Perdana Menteri 2010 jatuh kepada...

the inevitable seems a millisecond away...

"Sekolah.....Sultan Alam Shah!..."

my vision went blur and awry..haha...(what a way to say it!!)...anyway...winners got to win and losers got to lose...that's competition...totally understand that...I didn't hold any grudge towards the three in blue shirts...because they deserve it...plus...personally...they're really nice and great characters off stage too!...

its just sad...when SO MANY people are depending on you...and the only thing you can do for them is let them down...THAT to me was the bitter most part of it...I keep telling myself it was my fault we lost...we have Youtube to verify that...even when people told me its not my fault...it was as though they're trying too hard to hide the truth...the fact that I was primarily to be blamed...

AND so it was...what a day it was for me...full of disappointment and resentment...I sat in the car quietly...doing what sad people do obviously...along the road...seemed such a bare and deserted atmosphere...a scenery where like lost people end up in...what's more...the sun is setting...just to mark the ending of.......not EVERYTHING...but something for me...

It was Maghrib I think...so my dad stopped the car at an R&R to solat...it was beside a lake (was it necessary to mention that?..)...anyway...I flashed back into the few hours that had just passed...This is really happening I thought...I can't remember how much I wanted to say sorry...I can't even look at my the faces of my batch...I failed you guys...it was all too much for me...so..currently...texting...or messaging if you would call it...my parents offered their shoulder to cry on...and dear friends lend their helping hand...

This week is SPM Trial week I thought...how could I possibly cope with this...what chances do I have for an improvement of my result...the thought scares me to the core...but above all of this... I have been receiving many help all this while granted by Allah the Most Generous and Most Merciful...I don't know how I can hold on without these wonderful people in my life...

So that puts me in the position I'm in now...reminding myself what a tough time it was....I was lucky to even have support...but now...things are getting tougher...and I would most likely have less support this time around...the future is always unthinkable just like the 31st July itself..so..to further remind myself of what it was like...I browsed through the message archive in my phone memory...what meaningful inscriptions they were...I read them...with a different mood than when I first read them this time...

" If u need somebody, I'm always there"
"Azzam, don't blame yourself...u did a wonderful job...remember the poem IF..."
"Its ok yaa...now u just have to focus on exam...u've done ur best babe..."
"You will be a fine person..you don't have to change to please others..I would find it difficult to find a replacement for you"
"No one blame u...so...forgive urself"
"Chill...kitorang phm ur feeling...kitorang worse than urs.."

Just some of the messages I list out ranging from teachers and friends...eventhough I don't deserve some of the remarks and comments...but to the very least...they were nevertheless comforting...

So..I am wondering...in the future...if I can ever overcome such things again...it will certainly be even more difficult than before despite several changes that I have to cope now...so thank you ever so much for your time...your troubles would cease when I'm done...