Lately, a lot of things have happened, but all of them are relatively academic based I think. I don't think once ever in my life, I would really really have to worry about my studies and as in really worry. Usually, I would be satisfied to some extent getting the results as it is. However now, anything less than perfect seems so degrading as though I had fallen from grace when in truth, I might be better than I actually were.
My mood today is... I can't face myself. It is very hard to be content nowadays. I kept thinking that if I once let my guard down, I'll never get back up again. I've been in constant paranoia that everyone is potentially a competitor. Every aspect of life is about competing and not to achieve the state of "as long you tried your best and that's what counts". I felt like, when was the last time I do something not for the sake of competing?
Even if my life is revolving around the idea of competing, I at least enjoy the process of it if I know that I have nothing to lose. And perhaps it would be more comforting to have people accompanying you along the way. Such a make or break situation really put me in distress, just thinking about the consequences of failing.
Dear Allah, please grant me strength and protection from all that is bad. Just as of now, I feel like I was at the boiling point. I had tests recently, and some incidences that really bothered me in a way that put me in a dilemma about my principles and also incidences that really pains my heart and requires my utmost patience.
The tests was okay, really and I mean it. The result so far were good. It wasn't deteriorating. Still I was hoping my yardstick of good does not only hinge upon the fact it isn't deteriorating. I could also say it was good in a sense that it really achieve above the passing mark. It wasn't 100% as I expected it to be, but perhaps it has some hikmah to it. Alhamdulillah for it. Later however, another test. And I would say I wasn't satisfied when I finished doing it. But actually, my point here is that, despite all this, I am feeling buckled down by the pressure. I feel like I can't continue working so hard everyday like this. Perhaps there is a way that I can maintain some level of moderation in what I do. Staying up late a t night, constantly worrying about studies. I feel like I need to resolve it.
One incidence on Friday, I was donating to a boy at the mosque. Before I elaborate any further, my purpose of telling this is I hope to get your opinion of it. I walked to get my slippers, I think the same boy came and asked me again if I had more money, so I gave him again. And as I walked even further to leave the mosque, the same boy, following me, stating the problems he faced. Then I started to become frankly uneasy. I started to look at him. His cup which had money in it was empty maybe because he put it inside his pocket. But why would he do that I wonder? And I started to gauge whether he was lying and all those kind of stuff. But of course I can never really knew he was lying. I was really at a dilemma. Should I give more? So, maybe perhaps I thought, maybe for the last time, he even said it himself it would be the last, I decided to brush off my suspicion and gave him more and I walked off. I walked further and he still follows me and asked me if I can give more. And he even looked inside my wallet and said, there's money and asked to give it to him. I was beginning to think, it was impolite of him to simply just, you know asked boldly he wants the money. Of course if I were him, I would be as desperate, because I am in hardship. Simultaneously also I was thinking what was I becoming despite all of these thoughts. Was I being insincere? He even said he will pray for me that I'll be a rich person one day. And even perhaps to a certain extent, it might have influenced me also to think twice of not giving? MashaAllah,Nauzubillah, Ya Allah. What should I do? So, I just told him and to myself "No, that is final, I need to use the money too". And he kept following me out of the mosque for a few minutes, and perhaps people would be looking at me and wondering all sorts of things. I was really blur at that moment, and I reiterated no to the poor boy. He was talking as if he was bargaining with me. He said it wasn't the last but it wasn't. He asked for X much, but then he reduced the value to Y. I was really perplexed not knowing how to react. And perhaps my college friends who knew me also saw me walking with a poor boy next to me.One thing that really bothers me is what people are thinking about me behind my back. I really don't want them to have a bad impression of me. But if it was a correct but a bad impression of me, perhaps it is punishment for me from not having a sincere intention.And alas, after a few metres away from the mosque he stopped. He shook my hand and kissed it and left. I was left speechless and dumbfounded. I was reflected again the few minutes that just passed and I tried to evaluate the whole incident. I spaced out for a while, and I barely responded to my friends who greeted me outside the mosque. Even, until now I was afraid of really knowing what really happened. And I started to think what if I meet him again at the mosque next week. What should I do? I'm lost as of now. So please, tell me what should I do if you were me alright?
Another incident which pains my heart and ears is actually when I feel discriminated. The people that claimed that they have been discriminated are perhaps blaming people of my race of being unfair and discriminating. Actually, I don't know who is right or wrong but, it just pains me when they vent it out on me as if I was the one causing it. I just hope we one day will live in peace where we don't have to talk to think about this anymore...
Ya Allah, hanya Engkau tempat aku mengadu. But sometimes at times like this, I think of STAR. I just don't know how to put it, you might not have any idea how significant and important this place is to me. It is quite a special place to me in a lot of ways. Perhaps I get closer to Allah and know more about religion here. I have friends and teachers to guide me about religion. I have people who I can let out and talk almost about anything without feeling uncomfortable. Socially, sometimes still as I said in my previous post that, it was some sort of an inherit problem, I can be down and disappointed with them sometimes. But all I can remember now is how happy I was back then. I still cannot let go the people I met there. Even at this point, I was somewhat sad when they didn't contact me and all, but I just have to tell myself its fine. I would still be happy for them no matter where they are. Because they really have made my life in STAR meaningful.
Salam.
No comments:
Post a Comment