Please be Patient

I can't help but expressing a few worries of mine regarding my life right now...

1) AS Exam
2) AS Exam
3) AS Exam
4) Uni Application
5) Uni Application
6) Interfaith dialogue unfinished task
7) Accommodation change unfinished business
8) Debate career

I know its kinda hyperbolic I put repetitions of my tribulations...but I was intending to stress my point here. I'm worried...sick. I really don't know what to think and expect...can I weather any sort of repercussions should I fail or fall under these circumstances. I just hope everything would be alright.

Perhaps I would say it is destined...maybe I should be somewhere else...and I should do something else...I must apologize to the people I have disappointed...nevertheless, it is I who should reckon that my life has a greater purpose..

I must be impartial...I must not waver...no matter how much it hurts...it is to be told to forget...and to be forgotten...how far behind I have been...I know for a fact...I had tried my best...if I have to fight my way out myself...its my responsibility after all...

It once happenned

Alhamdulillah...everything was going rather fine...and my heart can rest a little bit now...but definitely not physically...and I predict that after June or so...my life will be more roomy for relaxing and other relevant activities...maybe susah susah dahulu senang senang kemudian applies here...

Dear Allah, I am so grateful...lately I can hold my ground more firmly, and I came to be more and more appreciative of the things around me...I can accept what I am dealing with now..

Perhaps I had forgotten the things I used to do...which is to always smile...and sometimes even smile more when things get very sad...and perhaps I forgot how important Allah and religion is in life...I used to make a stance back in school...devoting to Allah is not an investment, it is an assured development...


Today, I have the mood of telling a story about a friend of mine. He is, to me, quite weird and unfathomable...perhaps quite determined to a certain extent...he is quite the average type of person in terms of personality...

One fateful day in STAR, it was on Hari Raya Korban...my first raya korban at school...because it was SPM time and all Form 5's need to be stay in school...it was such a beautiful morning...I have the picture to show you that...

And so I was...feeling jovial...cheerful...everyone of us in our baju melayu...FYI I miss wearing baju melayu...I hardly wear them nowadays...we were about to flood the pavements with our colourful attires...and there we walked to Taman Cempaka...such a place indeed...the nearest necessities and entertainment can be found here...as we walked to the mosque...because again I thought it was such a beautiful day...I decided to take a picture of one of the myriad of limestone hills in Ipoh where behind it was the sun rising...Guess who decided to interframe...haha...our KU...Azri...

Yeah...as I walked pass through TC...I might have thought about going to the cybercafe after the Raya Korban prayers...haha...DOTA of course...and then we reached the mosque...and for this time, I decided to sit inside the air-conditioned section of the mosque (which I normally dont do during Friday prayers...because its too cold for me...grrrrr...). And my friend whom I mentioned earlier sat beside me...and basically finished the prayers together...

So, the story started...we walked downstairs to get our slippers...and...unfortunately...my friend lost his slipper...and that means no means to get back to school (barefoot? NO WAY!!)...and so I said... I'll buy him one quickly at Taman Cempaka and return to the mosque...to do that...it may take a bit of a long time...so...I decided to "hasten" my steps if I would call it...as I reached TC, bought the slipper...and the next thing I did was take a cab back to the mosque...haha...no person in the right mind would actually do that because it is barely worth it....not even 1 km away...and when I came to the mosque...I can't see him anywhere..and this taxi person might be scratching his head trying to figure out what was I trying to do...of course I told him the situation...so I dismissed the taxi...and waited for a while I guess...hopefully he was just wandering in the mosque...haha...and so I wait...and wait...and waited...and them I eventually came to the conclusion he is nowhere in the vicinity....and so I thought...this person's got to be kidding me...aigoo~~ did I tell him to stay put?...common sense might already dictate he should...I might get a little bit fumed by then...haha...ya laaa...why not?..I was missing my chance to chartered a PC at Fantasy (a cybercafe that is)....and I might not get a PC for like a whole single day...and in particular...a chance to go outing like this does NOT come often for a boarding school-er like me...more depressing for a DOTA addict like me...

So I trudged back to TC...carrying this newspaper-wrapped slipper in a purple plastic bag... wondering why this happened...wondering what reasons can he give me later...of course...I would expect an apology from him for leaving...I was heading back to Fantasy...hoping for a miracle that there would be someone kind enough to save me a a spot...or just a short queue before there's a vacant PC...I can't remember though how I got it...but indeed I got a PC...yeah...=D and the day was saved...

Its time to head back to dorm...its almost Asar already...(count how many hours I spent in CC)...and I reached the dorm..there he is...I wouldn't wanna say anything...because I thought he should be the one who should say something first...just gauging if he is conscious enough to know about what's wrong today... and...somehow...nothing...not a word....

And that is how it goes throughout the day...I just kept quiet the whole day thinking about it...my other friends told me actually...a teacher tumpangkan him back to school...so no wonder he can apparate to school back....and they were actually trying to catch up to me and said it was unnecessary for me to buy the slippers anymore...but I guess I was too fast for them...haha...I guess I'm still waiting for the word "sorry" though...or "thanks" maybe...even today....nevermind I guess...thats what friends are for....

Just a random story...

Its just weird...

Aside from me being weird...which I readily acknowledge...this post is just about me complaining about things I see with my eyes which doesn't seem right...


First, lets cap about my life first shall we...okay...so far...boleh laa~~...everything goes as it is...I've done things which I should've done...I think...so...in short...I have finished my AS TRIALS...alhamdulillah...so I'm on holiday...waiting for the results...preparing for Further Maths test which is directly after the holidays....This holiday gives me plenty of time for self reflection and structural reform on my brain...setting my principles straight again...since I think it had been shattered all these while...alhamdulillah despite all these challenges I can survive...when most things are not in my advantage...or even the total opposite...alhamdulillah again...I fend off...slashed my way through...just to be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel..I'm grateful I made it...


And also...I did what I could to get closer to Allah...alhamdulillah...I can say...I see things in a brighter perspective...I live with a clear objective...and regardless what happens...my goal is still the same...and I wonder when I get to UK...if I can survive there...insyaAllah...I plant the seeds of determination and perseverance to serve my Lord and for His religion...


Okay...so what is this weird thing that irritates me...maybe because I was too involved in debate...people's rhetorics and what not seem to spark my desire to question them..like for example...people are complaining about the Malaysian education system...but rarely if not at all did I see any sort of proposal or suggestion...I really don't like when all there is to do is nag nag and nag...all complaining and does nothing to solve the problem....


And also, a response to a particular blog which says "regretting about getting straight As"...well...its okay since it's his opinion...but really?...to me...it's just like saying I regret studying...studying is a life process...people should appreciate those memorizations and hours of efforts...to know things which are indeed meaningful and related to us...instead of filling your heads with socializing and entertainment....

Really...if people think being exam-oriented is bad...you should tell that to Cambridge...or any kind of country or education boards in the world that had endorsed it....lets say indeed there are justifications to say that a "wholesome learning" is better than an exam-oriented atmosphere...should they at least tell us what kind of "wholesome activity" they have in mind and how would they grade students and differentiate them effectively since they say everyone has their own talents...isn't that why we have subject combinations and elective subjects...so you can choose which one suits you best...and lets say we are bothered by the fact that the common perception that straight A students are geniuses....why is then the education system to be blamed...I would be impressed if someone got 21 As...and of course I would say he or she is brilliant..but of course...excellence is subjective...any rational person would know that...but if that is the yardstick people are using now...so be it...sail our own path and always trust yourself you are always brilliant no matter how the world perceives you...


I just noticed the fact that when people voice out their opinions...they are sometimes just being emotional and frustrated about facts and realities of life and somehow they tried to change they way things are just to suit them....to me its understandable...life is difficult..and of course...we all make mistakes...we all tend to favour something for personal reasons...may us all be granted by Allah His Hidayah....

I'm tired...there are a lot more weird things out there...which to me doesn't make any sense at all...and its actually human behaviours...again...until then...goodnight...there's a bunch of grammar mistakes there...im too lazy to check...

Don't Give Up

I'll die trying...everything that happens around me does not change anything...I will continue to fight and strive for Allah S.W.T and His Messenger, Prophet Muhammad S.A.W...I will try my best...I'll mark my own words...to the bitter ends...

Please

Dear friend,

Please can we not mention about it for once everytime when we meet...

Our conversations can go way beyond this...

I wish things were back to normal again...

Don't you?

Tip of the iceberg

Lately, a lot of things have happened, but all of them are relatively academic based I think. I don't think once ever in my life, I would really really have to worry about my studies and as in really worry. Usually, I would be satisfied to some extent getting the results as it is. However now, anything less than perfect seems so degrading as though I had fallen from grace when in truth, I might be better than I actually were.


My mood today is... I can't face myself. It is very hard to be content nowadays. I kept thinking that if I once let my guard down, I'll never get back up again. I've been in constant paranoia that everyone is potentially a competitor. Every aspect of life is about competing and not to achieve the state of "as long you tried your best and that's what counts". I felt like, when was the last time I do something not for the sake of competing?


Even if my life is revolving around the idea of competing, I at least enjoy the process of it if I know that I have nothing to lose. And perhaps it would be more comforting to have people accompanying you along the way. Such a make or break situation really put me in distress, just thinking about the consequences of failing.


Dear Allah, please grant me strength and protection from all that is bad. Just as of now, I feel like I was at the boiling point. I had tests recently, and some incidences that really bothered me in a way that put me in a dilemma about my principles and also incidences that really pains my heart and requires my utmost patience.


The tests was okay, really and I mean it. The result so far were good. It wasn't deteriorating. Still I was hoping my yardstick of good does not only hinge upon the fact it isn't deteriorating. I could also say it was good in a sense that it really achieve above the passing mark. It wasn't 100% as I expected it to be, but perhaps it has some hikmah to it. Alhamdulillah for it. Later however, another test. And I would say I wasn't satisfied when I finished doing it. But actually, my point here is that, despite all this, I am feeling buckled down by the pressure. I feel like I can't continue working so hard everyday like this. Perhaps there is a way that I can maintain some level of moderation in what I do. Staying up late a t night, constantly worrying about studies. I feel like I need to resolve it.


One incidence on Friday, I was donating to a boy at the mosque. Before I elaborate any further, my purpose of telling this is I hope to get your opinion of it. I walked to get my slippers, I think the same boy came and asked me again if I had more money, so I gave him again. And as I walked even further to leave the mosque, the same boy, following me, stating the problems he faced. Then I started to become frankly uneasy. I started to look at him. His cup which had money in it was empty maybe because he put it inside his pocket. But why would he do that I wonder? And I started to gauge whether he was lying and all those kind of stuff. But of course I can never really knew he was lying. I was really at a dilemma. Should I give more? So, maybe perhaps I thought, maybe for the last time, he even said it himself it would be the last, I decided to brush off my suspicion and gave him more and I walked off. I walked further and he still follows me and asked me if I can give more. And he even looked inside my wallet and said, there's money and asked to give it to him. I was beginning to think, it was impolite of him to simply just, you know asked boldly he wants the money. Of course if I were him, I would be as desperate, because I am in hardship. Simultaneously also I was thinking what was I becoming despite all of these thoughts. Was I being insincere? He even said he will pray for me that I'll be a rich person one day. And even perhaps to a certain extent, it might have influenced me also to think twice of not giving? MashaAllah,Nauzubillah, Ya Allah. What should I do? So, I just told him and to myself "No, that is final, I need to use the money too". And he kept following me out of the mosque for a few minutes, and perhaps people would be looking at me and wondering all sorts of things. I was really blur at that moment, and I reiterated no to the poor boy. He was talking as if he was bargaining with me. He said it wasn't the last but it wasn't. He asked for X much, but then he reduced the value to Y. I was really perplexed not knowing how to react. And perhaps my college friends who knew me also saw me walking with a poor boy next to me.One thing that really bothers me is what people are thinking about me behind my back. I really don't want them to have a bad impression of me. But if it was a correct but a bad impression of me, perhaps it is punishment for me from not having a sincere intention.And alas, after a few metres away from the mosque he stopped. He shook my hand and kissed it and left. I was left speechless and dumbfounded. I was reflected again the few minutes that just passed and I tried to evaluate the whole incident. I spaced out for a while, and I barely responded to my friends who greeted me outside the mosque. Even, until now I was afraid of really knowing what really happened. And I started to think what if I meet him again at the mosque next week. What should I do? I'm lost as of now. So please, tell me what should I do if you were me alright?

Another incident which pains my heart and ears is actually when I feel discriminated. The people that claimed that they have been discriminated are perhaps blaming people of my race of being unfair and discriminating. Actually, I don't know who is right or wrong but, it just pains me when they vent it out on me as if I was the one causing it. I just hope we one day will live in peace where we don't have to talk to think about this anymore...


Ya Allah, hanya Engkau tempat aku mengadu. But sometimes at times like this, I think of STAR. I just don't know how to put it, you might not have any idea how significant and important this place is to me. It is quite a special place to me in a lot of ways. Perhaps I get closer to Allah and know more about religion here. I have friends and teachers to guide me about religion. I have people who I can let out and talk almost about anything without feeling uncomfortable. Socially, sometimes still as I said in my previous post that, it was some sort of an inherit problem, I can be down and disappointed with them sometimes. But all I can remember now is how happy I was back then. I still cannot let go the people I met there. Even at this point, I was somewhat sad when they didn't contact me and all, but I just have to tell myself its fine. I would still be happy for them no matter where they are. Because they really have made my life in STAR meaningful.

Salam.

Thinking Too Much

When I think about life...I was expecting this straight line linear graph with a positive gradient directly proportional to time...


To the very least I hope I was becoming wiser in evaluating situations and becoming a more matured individual.

Its that time again when you want a time machine. But this time I was just thinking, if my younger version of me would be here with me in the present...what he would think of me now?...Am I living up to his expectation?..Did I disappointed him?

Next, if I were to be in the past...what I would I think of my younger me?...Feeling proud and accomplished?..Or have a good laugh at myself about how foolish I was to have mistaken something and took things for granted?...

Nevertheless, this discussion have much to do with my current progress in A-Levels...I just would like to analyze my present self for a while. The way I feel it...I am becoming more distracted nowadays...with things that were never a problem back in the old days...or is it just me overreacting towards a problem which could be a tiny one if compared to the olden days.

Not only that...I might also haven't give enough credit to myself...Allah has granted me such a great and destined opportunity..should I be happier now? I definitely should be grateful and all praises to Him...But why am I having this impression that I am letting myself and everybody down?...

In the midst of this confusion and denial...lets delve into the softer part of being human which is social life. A problem which was never quite resolved at any given time. I somewhat have this realization that my reflection of my past in high school was rather biased. This in the sense that I would constantly say how great was the yesteryears compared to now. Actually, they were almost the same.

Yes, I did enjoy my life in STAR. But there were also times I wish I can leave sooner and stuffs like that. And this persists even to the very last moments of Graduation Day. I realized that I was not the person I think I was when I reflected myself. In fact, I am still the person I always were....estranged, side-lined, boring and insignificant...So technically, by now I should be getting used to this right? Why should I expect anything more?

Again, amidst this quagmire...I am always amazed at the things that passed...regardless of bitter or sweet the memories were...they really kept me going..I'm going tell something...but maybe later...got test...huhu..salam...