My opinion is that there is no such thing...because people change...and hopefully for the better...perhaps a better idea is that being good is what we ought to be...
I know I can't please everyone...and perhaps I didn't need to...but when there is someone I tried to please...I rarely succeeded...
People would say be yourself...and you deserve a pat in the back...but that puts me back to the word 'GO'...
So..change could be good...if it means necessary...its going to be a lot of work...For a good cause...why not?
At the end of the day...all you need to think about is...what do you want in life?...
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Mid Year
A lot has happened during 6 months after finishing school....even though sometimes the passing days grew less meaningful...truth be told I DID NOT spent the time allocated wisely...as I always continue to wonder and ponder what should I do next...until the inevitable brink of boredom...Alas, LIFE MUST GO ON...as people always say it...
As much as I wanted to travel back in time honestly...I just can't..I don't know if it is my nature to keep dwelling in the past...but good and bad times altogether were all too meaningful for me...it hurts to know time and time again that I had lost my diary back when I was in Form 2 and Form 3...which then somewhat demotivates me to write since then...so...consequently...nothing to look back at anymore...only those visions and flashbacks if I'm lucky enough...
I would start depicting my after school life by saying how much I whined about having nothing to do...Therefore, I started having all sorts of new ideas...if I'm not mistaken...the first thing that comes through my mind right after I returned home from school was to finish watching Boys over Flowers...so that totally took off...and ended around January....
Nothing left to do then...except for attending driving classes and courses....aside from that...now I learned to go outside and hang out...so that taught me a little bit of independence and freedom...
In February or so...I started to really miss friends...its either I'm going to them...or the other way around...I went to Perlis and PD to meet up and patch things up again...I went for Sport's day too...
In March...the anticipated SPM results was announced...it was quite a memorable experience...however...more and more challenges were coming...it was certainly not what I had bargained for...
April went hectic with interviews and applications for scholarships...I applied for many scholarships...and many turned me down as well...by this time...I might had finished a number of korean and japanese dramas....I also got bored of hanging out and doing same things again and again...but I have learned a lot about life at this point...I knew that things were never going to be the same again...same goes to people too...
With the arrival of May...the newly found life seems already assimilated...but memories with old cliques still remains...but will not be rekindled...a number of significant developments I can list down so far is...
1) I know how to skate...=)
2) Driving license...cyah!! =)
3) Train debate juniors for competition or participating in one...
4) Do a little bit of news update and research for economics
5) Going through multiple of interview sessions
6) Having a scholarship and a full colour award...=)
Alhamdulillah...it turned out well at this point...but life is like a roller coaster or a wheel...there is no guarantee that everything will be alright in the end...
I'm still sad that my juniors lost in PPM...I'm really sorry...I might get angry sometimes...but now..I can't bear seeing you guys suffer...I hope you guys can work your way up without me around...
I spent some time in school training the juniors...I wonder if I get the chance to feel closest as I can ever get to traveling back in time...of course...the reality told me that...somehow...those days are over...even if I try to simulate everything...its not the same...some things do elicit smiles like meeting with teachers that once taught me...many teachers are getting sick lately...meeting them during Teacher's day couldn't be more meaningful...that indicates how time will bring us to a whole new level...whether I like it or not...
So...Azzam...please get a grip...let me just say...its a relief to see all of us had their own ways now...I'm happy for all of of my batch members...
My dear future self....don't be surprised if I said the same things again...:/
As much as I wanted to travel back in time honestly...I just can't..I don't know if it is my nature to keep dwelling in the past...but good and bad times altogether were all too meaningful for me...it hurts to know time and time again that I had lost my diary back when I was in Form 2 and Form 3...which then somewhat demotivates me to write since then...so...consequently...nothing to look back at anymore...only those visions and flashbacks if I'm lucky enough...
I would start depicting my after school life by saying how much I whined about having nothing to do...Therefore, I started having all sorts of new ideas...if I'm not mistaken...the first thing that comes through my mind right after I returned home from school was to finish watching Boys over Flowers...so that totally took off...and ended around January....
Nothing left to do then...except for attending driving classes and courses....aside from that...now I learned to go outside and hang out...so that taught me a little bit of independence and freedom...
In February or so...I started to really miss friends...its either I'm going to them...or the other way around...I went to Perlis and PD to meet up and patch things up again...I went for Sport's day too...
In March...the anticipated SPM results was announced...it was quite a memorable experience...however...more and more challenges were coming...it was certainly not what I had bargained for...
April went hectic with interviews and applications for scholarships...I applied for many scholarships...and many turned me down as well...by this time...I might had finished a number of korean and japanese dramas....I also got bored of hanging out and doing same things again and again...but I have learned a lot about life at this point...I knew that things were never going to be the same again...same goes to people too...
With the arrival of May...the newly found life seems already assimilated...but memories with old cliques still remains...but will not be rekindled...a number of significant developments I can list down so far is...
1) I know how to skate...=)
2) Driving license...cyah!! =)
3) Train debate juniors for competition or participating in one...
4) Do a little bit of news update and research for economics
5) Going through multiple of interview sessions
6) Having a scholarship and a full colour award...=)
Alhamdulillah...it turned out well at this point...but life is like a roller coaster or a wheel...there is no guarantee that everything will be alright in the end...
I'm still sad that my juniors lost in PPM...I'm really sorry...I might get angry sometimes...but now..I can't bear seeing you guys suffer...I hope you guys can work your way up without me around...
I spent some time in school training the juniors...I wonder if I get the chance to feel closest as I can ever get to traveling back in time...of course...the reality told me that...somehow...those days are over...even if I try to simulate everything...its not the same...some things do elicit smiles like meeting with teachers that once taught me...many teachers are getting sick lately...meeting them during Teacher's day couldn't be more meaningful...that indicates how time will bring us to a whole new level...whether I like it or not...
So...Azzam...please get a grip...let me just say...its a relief to see all of us had their own ways now...I'm happy for all of of my batch members...
My dear future self....don't be surprised if I said the same things again...:/
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Words into Practice
Its about time I put my principles and philosophies into play...if I would advise people to be patient...then I should be of no exception...when my mind tells me to be happy...my heart shouldn't say otherwise...
To fully understand myself and others at the same time is seemingly hard...but I had to made sacrifices...a great blow it is for me to be in this position...perhaps I had to go through a similar road like in the past...but much harsher this time...
I'm aware of that...I know what I'm going through...and I want to see myself in control of the future...learning to be independent and self-encouraging...so I want it to become a reality...now is the time to prove what I had said to myself a lot earlier...
To fully understand myself and others at the same time is seemingly hard...but I had to made sacrifices...a great blow it is for me to be in this position...perhaps I had to go through a similar road like in the past...but much harsher this time...
I'm aware of that...I know what I'm going through...and I want to see myself in control of the future...learning to be independent and self-encouraging...so I want it to become a reality...now is the time to prove what I had said to myself a lot earlier...
Monday, May 9, 2011
Message Sent
The new faces will take over...as far as I am concerned...they kept me preoccupied...for now at least....One thing is for sure....really proud of you juniors!!!...whatever happens in TKC...we will still enjoy ourselves and accept the results no matter what...=)
Reminder
It doesn't matter how terrible others treat us....because we ourselves need to realize first how bad we treat others as well...Therefore, as for me...I couldn't care less...I should be more focusing on what and how am I doing...its a relief somewhat for me...to be able to remind myself about this...so that I can always think about how to treat others better each and every day...
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The Road Where I Cried (Part 2)
Now...this post will be the more less abstract way of explaining things...haha...okay...just to wrap this part up...it started somewhere lately....I've been browsing through some old "documents" and stashed away materials...all of them seemed to depict my life journeys...in school that is...Actually I was searching for some missing certificates for some interviews coming ahead...everyone seems to wonder why that I tend to keep a LOT of stuff (hoarding)...useless stuffs that is...JUNK...but to me...they are like bits and pieces of my memories...shattered...separated...scattered...emancipated from my brain which has limited memory space...I forget easily...REALLY...for those who already knew me...they can't agree more to this statement...
So..as pieces come together...not as perfect as before...at least they gave me the impression and what does it feel like to live the good or bad old days...that took me to this very day...intrigued and somehow fascinated by all the reminiscing...I craved for more lost and unvisited pasts...yes...there were a lot of moments...a lot different from what I have now definitely...just another one of the bittersweet life contemplations...PPM Finals 2010...
It's almost a year since the lost...people might think that I am taking this WAY TOO MUCH...but for me...its not merely about the prize,the trophy,,,etc....surely that is the kind of motivation that people opt for in a competition...but I hoped to do much more than just to take the trophy to Ipoh...I at least wanted to repay my debate teachers for troubling themselves and the sacrifices they had made for me through 5 years of growing up in the debate family...I couldn't do anything else than this...at least before I am officially no longer in the team...
"Pemenang bagi kategori Bahas Bahasa Inggeris Piala Perdana Menteri 2010 jatuh kepada...
the inevitable seems a millisecond away...
"Sekolah.....Sultan Alam Shah!..."
my vision went blur and awry..haha...(what a way to say it!!)...anyway...winners got to win and losers got to lose...that's competition...totally understand that...I didn't hold any grudge towards the three in blue shirts...because they deserve it...plus...personally...they're really nice and great characters off stage too!...
its just sad...when SO MANY people are depending on you...and the only thing you can do for them is let them down...THAT to me was the bitter most part of it...I keep telling myself it was my fault we lost...we have Youtube to verify that...even when people told me its not my fault...it was as though they're trying too hard to hide the truth...the fact that I was primarily to be blamed...
AND so it was...what a day it was for me...full of disappointment and resentment...I sat in the car quietly...doing what sad people do obviously...along the road...seemed such a bare and deserted atmosphere...a scenery where like lost people end up in...what's more...the sun is setting...just to mark the ending of.......not EVERYTHING...but something for me...
It was Maghrib I think...so my dad stopped the car at an R&R to solat...it was beside a lake (was it necessary to mention that?..)...anyway...I flashed back into the few hours that had just passed...This is really happening I thought...I can't remember how much I wanted to say sorry...I can't even look at my the faces of my batch...I failed you guys...it was all too much for me...so..currently...texting...or messaging if you would call it...my parents offered their shoulder to cry on...and dear friends lend their helping hand...
This week is SPM Trial week I thought...how could I possibly cope with this...what chances do I have for an improvement of my result...the thought scares me to the core...but above all of this... I have been receiving many help all this while granted by Allah the Most Generous and Most Merciful...I don't know how I can hold on without these wonderful people in my life...
So that puts me in the position I'm in now...reminding myself what a tough time it was....I was lucky to even have support...but now...things are getting tougher...and I would most likely have less support this time around...the future is always unthinkable just like the 31st July itself..so..to further remind myself of what it was like...I browsed through the message archive in my phone memory...what meaningful inscriptions they were...I read them...with a different mood than when I first read them this time...
" If u need somebody, I'm always there"
"Azzam, don't blame yourself...u did a wonderful job...remember the poem IF..."
"Its ok yaa...now u just have to focus on exam...u've done ur best babe..."
"You will be a fine person..you don't have to change to please others..I would find it difficult to find a replacement for you"
"No one blame u...so...forgive urself"
"Chill...kitorang phm ur feeling...kitorang worse than urs.."
Just some of the messages I list out ranging from teachers and friends...eventhough I don't deserve some of the remarks and comments...but to the very least...they were nevertheless comforting...
So..I am wondering...in the future...if I can ever overcome such things again...it will certainly be even more difficult than before despite several changes that I have to cope now...so thank you ever so much for your time...your troubles would cease when I'm done...
So..as pieces come together...not as perfect as before...at least they gave me the impression and what does it feel like to live the good or bad old days...that took me to this very day...intrigued and somehow fascinated by all the reminiscing...I craved for more lost and unvisited pasts...yes...there were a lot of moments...a lot different from what I have now definitely...just another one of the bittersweet life contemplations...PPM Finals 2010...
It's almost a year since the lost...people might think that I am taking this WAY TOO MUCH...but for me...its not merely about the prize,the trophy,,,etc....surely that is the kind of motivation that people opt for in a competition...but I hoped to do much more than just to take the trophy to Ipoh...I at least wanted to repay my debate teachers for troubling themselves and the sacrifices they had made for me through 5 years of growing up in the debate family...I couldn't do anything else than this...at least before I am officially no longer in the team...
"Pemenang bagi kategori Bahas Bahasa Inggeris Piala Perdana Menteri 2010 jatuh kepada...
the inevitable seems a millisecond away...
"Sekolah.....Sultan Alam Shah!..."
my vision went blur and awry..haha...(what a way to say it!!)...anyway...winners got to win and losers got to lose...that's competition...totally understand that...I didn't hold any grudge towards the three in blue shirts...because they deserve it...plus...personally...they're really nice and great characters off stage too!...
its just sad...when SO MANY people are depending on you...and the only thing you can do for them is let them down...THAT to me was the bitter most part of it...I keep telling myself it was my fault we lost...we have Youtube to verify that...even when people told me its not my fault...it was as though they're trying too hard to hide the truth...the fact that I was primarily to be blamed...
AND so it was...what a day it was for me...full of disappointment and resentment...I sat in the car quietly...doing what sad people do obviously...along the road...seemed such a bare and deserted atmosphere...a scenery where like lost people end up in...what's more...the sun is setting...just to mark the ending of.......not EVERYTHING...but something for me...
It was Maghrib I think...so my dad stopped the car at an R&R to solat...it was beside a lake (was it necessary to mention that?..)...anyway...I flashed back into the few hours that had just passed...This is really happening I thought...I can't remember how much I wanted to say sorry...I can't even look at my the faces of my batch...I failed you guys...it was all too much for me...so..currently...texting...or messaging if you would call it...my parents offered their shoulder to cry on...and dear friends lend their helping hand...
This week is SPM Trial week I thought...how could I possibly cope with this...what chances do I have for an improvement of my result...the thought scares me to the core...but above all of this... I have been receiving many help all this while granted by Allah the Most Generous and Most Merciful...I don't know how I can hold on without these wonderful people in my life...
So that puts me in the position I'm in now...reminding myself what a tough time it was....I was lucky to even have support...but now...things are getting tougher...and I would most likely have less support this time around...the future is always unthinkable just like the 31st July itself..so..to further remind myself of what it was like...I browsed through the message archive in my phone memory...what meaningful inscriptions they were...I read them...with a different mood than when I first read them this time...
" If u need somebody, I'm always there"
"Azzam, don't blame yourself...u did a wonderful job...remember the poem IF..."
"Its ok yaa...now u just have to focus on exam...u've done ur best babe..."
"You will be a fine person..you don't have to change to please others..I would find it difficult to find a replacement for you"
"No one blame u...so...forgive urself"
"Chill...kitorang phm ur feeling...kitorang worse than urs.."
Just some of the messages I list out ranging from teachers and friends...eventhough I don't deserve some of the remarks and comments...but to the very least...they were nevertheless comforting...
So..I am wondering...in the future...if I can ever overcome such things again...it will certainly be even more difficult than before despite several changes that I have to cope now...so thank you ever so much for your time...your troubles would cease when I'm done...
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