Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Monday, June 25, 2012

I'll keep what I want to keep

Keeping it real...(sigh)...when many people would say I'm living in my own world with pixies and fairies, I just like to say...you can call me anything you like and say anything you like about how I live my life...This is my principle...if I die holding on to it...SO BE IT..

The "real world" they call it...is not an ideal place...where everything is not always proper and nice to you...to me...I don't care about what is it that plagues the world today...if I choose the way I want to live my life...you'll just have to watch me then...because really...I don't care..because I know what I'm doing is right...why do I have to follow what everybody else is doing?

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Mind Interrogation

In the modern globalized world today, people's lives have took a more perpetual pattern. When most people have more a less the same plans on how to live their life. Get good education, and a good job, and a good retirement plan and well, the end.

People become more and more competitive. To get a "good" life, you have to succeed in obtaining wealth,popularity and other heart's desire. Methods of achieving them are countless. Some are purely effort, and some are cunningly cheating their way to the top.

Despite all of this, I as a Muslim, must reflect back about life's intended purpose. And perhaps I am taking worldly matters a bit too much. Here are some things that seemed to make me ponder...

Again, here I am, worrying so much about which university I am going. And then, I questioned myself. Why is this so important again? So, my mind began synthesizing an answer. "So, that I would have a higher chance of getting hired or get recognition from people based on my credentials". And of course, this would lead to better job, better pay, etc...etc... So,like, that is what lingers in my mind though. Rather shady link to it, but it's there. Logically explained. But then, and observation from myself and inputs of experienced people lead me to a hypothesis, saying that, "Look, many people who don't necessarily perform in studies with the likes of Oxford and Cambridge became very successful in the end". A rather conflicting idea. But I just came to reason out and say like "What are the odds of you becoming like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs", to the very least, "If you would become like one, you have to have the best form of education". Perhaps education background isn't a sole determinant to success, but then again, its the best chance and the safest bet to take.

So, long story short, you have to have the best form of education i.e top universities. So, I was figuring out, what if, I never made it to the universities that wish to enroll in. Should I feel disappointed or just be grateful for at least I got to UK. To me, in my experience, I would be disappointed if I haven't tried my best. So, the big question now is, have I did my best, or how do I know I did try my hardest? I never really could answer that until now. Just imagining those people who I happen to know, spending so many extra hours on things that could get him or her to Oxford or Cambridge.Chugging coffee day and night to minimize sleep, studying consumed most of the life he or she would otherwise have. Or even those people who is just so brilliant that make you feel rather envious (a feeling which a person should never have). People who have little effort but very productive. It makes you wonder what's their secret and what is it that is lacking under your paradigm or schedule. Somehow, I wanted to feel relieved that I studied for an exam or feel empowered by the fact I am at my utmost potential that any more step that I take would not get me any closer to success.

So, for example right, I decided for myself that I would not stay up until late at night to study. Period. I take sleep very seriously. I gave myself a reason to do so which is it might disturb my health, concentration, and etc... or is this an excuse in disguise for me not put an extra effort? I couldn't really tell for certain. So, I couldn't tell if I really had tried all I could despite how hard I wanted to succeed. So, the question will be left hanging un-answered. I settled myself with a statement, "everyone has their own limits". So, I might not have tried staying up for 24 hours, assuming I could, but if my yard-stick of trying says it is just up until 12a.m, I guess that's good enough for me.And everyone has their own yard-sticks.

Oh, wait. So, like, most of the questions in my mind are now answered. So, why aren't I happier? So, why am I still worrying? Perhaps I just set my own expectations to high. I might have been to harsh on myself. Blaming myself for problems that other people can't also face if they are in my shoes (just an assumption). Actually, since I have entered this new phase of life (college), I was too determined to get what I wanted. Perhaps as a result, even I myself cannot forgive myself if I fail. And that is so wrong in so many levels. Because the last person who is going to love me for the way I am, should be ME. If I don't acknowledge that, it is like I am denying my very own existence. Initially I thought, I don't want to be complacent. That was purely it. That was my biggest concern. So, consequently, I decided to be unforgiving to myself. Never leave a room for mistakes. Punishing myself hard for things I cannot control. Forcing myself to do things that I may not necessarily want or need to do. I want everything to be perfect. I want to be perfect. And I was wrong to think that. I wasn't even close to that. I don't even have to think about being perfect.Because I'll never be perfect. And same goes to everything around me.But don't confuse this with striving for perfection. Perfection can never be attained but we must always work towards it.

I'm not sure if I had comforted myself enough by writing this. So far, the slight thought of going to the universities I dreamed of puts myself back into dread. What can I say is that...I had said this many many times before...be grateful...for everything...:)

Lastly, I want to ask myself...if you want to be soo perfect...for whom exactly are doing this for? Is it worth it? 

Salam. May Allah Bless and Forgive our Sins. Dear Allah, forgive me for the things I have done and said or haven't done and haven't said. Guide me with your hidayah. Ameen.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

What Do You Want?

Nothing much particularly this week. I am waiting to sit for my last paper this Thursday. Finally, all that needs to be done has been done. After that, I can hope and pray, for a future that is best for me.

This week maybe I'm planning to do some activities. Maybe like go catch a movie, shopping and coach some schools to debate. And perhaps I would also be occupied on some days to teach Economics to my lecturer's son.

An idea that crossed my mind last week. What I wanted in life? As per my previous post on my dilemma about my academics just after a short sigh of relief from the AS Trials, just when I thought I can finally hold onto the moment and firmly hold my ground, I faltered like a deck of cards. So, I thought I did. Thus, I interrogated myself as to why this happened? Was I complacent? Or is it just beyond my limitations?

Despite having these questions bothering my mind, and my holidays (presumably), again, I settled myself with a statement, "No matter happens, I will do all within my means to serve good".

Because that's all I ever wanted. And I had forgotten about it.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Saya dan Dunia

Beberapa minggu yang lepas (actually seminggu) , beberapa insiden yang amat significant telah berlaku dalam diari hidup saya...

1)HKSBP 2012
2)Physics Test (AS)

Alamak itu je...nevertheless...dua perkara ni menimbulkan pelbagai thoughts in my mind...and also if you noticed I'm using "rojak" because I think its better to express my mind to the fullest in this medium of communication...

HKSBP 2012 merupakan HK yang amat bermakna dalam hidup saya...walaupun saya bukan participant...tetapi rasa belonging yang sangat kuat di sini...sekali lagi saya menjejakkan kaki di bumi STAR...yang merupakan dunia saya seketika dahulu...I dont know how to say it...this place...tempat ini...have a special place in my heart...kalau dulu, most of the things that concerns me hanya within the borders of the school...we dont have time to think of anything else...we already have our hands full dengan things happening in the school...minda kita dipagari...with so many assumptions and assertions...that somehow keeps us safe and alive...from the harsh realities of the world...bila dah melangkah keluar dari sekolah..barulah terasa...tingginya langit, rendahnya bumi...nothing is what it seems...somehow, the world out there, a lot of things which doesnt seem right...appears to be the norm...

Okay, back to my experiences of this year's HK...saya amat berpuas hati dengan team...but of course, there is room for improvement...it started out well, they were full of optimism...and I just came and trying to settle down for a while in Ipoh...and there seems no need to rush because they were quite prepared...I just take my own time then...Truth be told, I was a bit tempted to know...whether my name is there yet in the hall..because I never had seen it for myself before...saya sebenarnya eager to see it...because hopefully, it will motivate me with regards to what I am going through now in college...and actually, I immediately reached the hall first that evening...unfortunately, the hall was under renovation..so not yet I guess...

Anyways, I woke up the next day..it is actually the first day of HK where people register and everything...so, for us...nothing to do...kinda free...Pagi2 lagi saya dah bangun and ordered the team for a training...of course, I am just there to guide and train...saya bukan captain...so to listen or not is for them to decide...I met a few teachers in the morning, such as Mdm Mastura Shaari, Mr King , and Ayahanda himself. As my initial intention, to go to the hall...and yes..is luckily there..my name on the list of students with their respective year..I dont know what to feel really...I'm just glad I guess...its kind of unexpected really...sejujurnya, saya rasa...these things are just occurrences...saya tak patut rasa terlalu bangga dengan insiden tersebut...realitinya...ada yang lebih baik daripada saya..

Nothing really for the day...and the next day started...the rounds and everything...it seems pretty much and easy route for them to reach the critical rounds...So, I was occupying myself with handing out goodie bags to the teachers...it wasn't an easy task though...I have to see the teachers one by one and return to the rumah tamu where I'm staying to refill the bags...and also, on the same day, I took my SPM certificate at the office...

So, to cut to the chase, it all continues to the last day I guess...banyak perubahan to the school I've seen so far...the teachers never fails to make me smile...it makes me feel so lucky to be in this school...furthermore, some of my batch members also came...the teachers...their words really affect me deeply...its is again quite motivating...linking myself to my former world...but again, a lot of things I picked up from my visit to STAR...both good and bad...something happened I guess between me and the debate crew..maybe there was a bit of misunderstanding...or lack of prioritization..but, still...there are people who seemed very supportive of me...and believes in me...and understands the things that had been going on in my head...and I'm glad that person took my words pretty well...and even to the last minute...

The day has a very weird aura to it...I was panicking at the same time...STAR vs SDAR...and my physics test is coming up..and it is also the time for me to head back to Shah Alam...I'm glad they did their best...but I don't know what happened...after the semi-final ended...straight away me and my batch mates head for the ending ceremony...saya rasa cukup berdebar....saya tak tau apa nak rasa....tetapi ada tanda2 yang saya telah terima tentang keputusan semi-final...sama seperti keadaan saya pada 2010...saya hanya mampu menunggu hingga the official truth comes out through the speakers...saya seakan-akan tak boleh percaya perjalanan kami berhenti sampai di sini sahaja...partcipating in HK rasa seperti satu perjalanan yang sangat jauh...perjalanan yang memakan masa berhari-hari...menuju kejayaan untuk meraih gelaran juara..tetapi terhenti dalam sekelip mata...tanda pertama adalah apabila saya diberitahu oleh junior saya tentang keputusan seorang hakim yang kami kenal, who gave STAR the lost..I couldn't believe it..because the judge gave me the win in 2010 in the semis...and also tanda kedua is when I met Mdm Ju at the stadium...she saw me...I saw her..and she slightly shook her head and looked down...I sense the inevitable...as I waited anxiously in the stadium...perhaps I knew the result already...but I continued to held my hopes high until the last minute...

The result came out...I couldn't say anything...but I was in a rush that time...the slight thought about my physics exam brings chills to my spine and make my stomach turn...so, I have to ignore a little bit the whole atmosphere and start packing...Luckily, Ckg Shahnun was around, and I asked him a favour to distribute the rest of the buah tangan to the teachers...one more task done...I bade farewell to everyone and head home...luckily I wasn't driving, because I asked my friend to replace me behind the wheels...

So, the whole thing ended, in a sad way...but then, an obstacle for me is directly in front of me...saya dah mula rasa tak sedap hati nak ambil test....rasa macam dah prepared...tapi we can never be sure...And so, esoknya...I would say...it is one of the worst test I took for Physics...now I'm really in trouble..nak salahkan pergi HK tak boleh..sebab I did actually study...and even if I did more questions...the question that I can't answer in the test seems to weird and unfathomable..so...until today rasa sangat insecure..saya tak tahu nak cakap macam mana...so, saya cuba kuatkan diri saya untuk redha dan hadapi apa jua consequences yang akan terjadi dalam beberapa bulan nanti..saya mungkin tak dapat university yang saya nak....saya juga bukan lagi yang terbaik...namun..insyaAllah...I have tried my best...to make my life serves its purpose...

Okay...cukup luahan untuk kali ini...until we meet again...salam...

~Knowing you is one of the best things that has ever happened to me...I'll remember it even if you don't...~