For this time I'll be talking more about myself and in relation to the new environment or phase. It will be more of a concluding piece of what I see about myself when I have reached this stage of life.
As of today, I have experienced more than 3 months living in the UK or London spesifically. At this point of my life, I would say I might be at the pinnacle of my self development stage. But it is important to realize that just because I am at this stage or phase of life does not mean I have live up to the state of which I am expected to be.
It all seems to familiar to me again, I am still stuck in the pitfall of expectations. To be honest, when I have been made known to be firmly accepted to LSE, I used to thought back then how I will finally be able to "take a break", because there is nothing left to be desired of me. I delivered. I made it through, and it is the end of the road.
But no matter how hard I tried and promised myself back then, how I would remain grateful and not expect anything more of myself, I succumbed again to feel "responsible" to be someone who I think I should be. It is an ambiguous area between ambition and altruism.
Somehow I pray that I will manage to circumvent this whole problem. You cant feed into the expectation entirely, but you will find a way to make yourself feel better and continue on with life.
Another scary thing is how I find myself have changed. I suddenly noticed that I could lose my temper quite easily, irritable and impatient. I wonder what could have come over me to change in such a way. I might be able to hypothesize some reasoning or causation behind this. One thing is what I might have alluded above, about my mindset which is on how I thought everything is going to be smooth sailing and I have surmounted the last obstacle. I might have felt drained or demoralized to realize that I am here to only ask for more challenges which I cant even take, back in my homeland. Second, is the idea that my budget seems to be five fold of what I used to spend back home, nominally, seemed to get to me. I can no longer be not calculative when it comes to spending on anything. So if someone owed me money or something along that line, it will be harder for me to just ignore it or leave it unclaimed.
However, despite all of this, I havent told you the best part of being here. It is to be able to know an usrah family and a whole lot of people who have the objective in life which is to be closer to Allah. And as always I would sometimes feel inferior to see these wonderful people so focused in their objective while I am lagging behind and they are helping me so that I could catch up with them.
Indeed because of such is my life, full of complications and things that my mind cant churn and explain...All operates in His power...I have to think very hard of what to do next everyday...
While the common stereotype people would have towards people who studies overseas is that they are able to be friends with the native whites...well it is not as easy as many people whom I know would agree...But then again, maybe I didnt try hard enough or I didnt meet the right person yet...Anyways...for me, it is just as difficult to find a true friend even if he or she is of the same colour or belief...
Hence, it is not really what I expected when I got here...even when I did expect it...(do you get it?)....Here's to my first day in London or on the same day I left Malaysia...it was so different than now...