Saturday, January 25, 2014

Journey to A New World (Part 3)

I think I'll end this trilogy right here because its really taking too long and the title simply connotes an intro of my life here in the UK. It is already January of 2014 and I couldnt any longer perpetuate the same sense of excitement as when I first arrived.

For this time I'll be talking more about myself and in relation to the new environment or phase. It will be more of a concluding piece of what I see about myself when I have reached this stage of life.

As of today, I have experienced more than 3 months living in the UK or London spesifically. At this point of my life, I would say I might be at the pinnacle of my self development stage. But it is important to realize that just because I am at this stage or phase of life does not mean I have live up to the state of which I am expected to be.

It all seems to familiar to me again, I am still stuck in the pitfall of expectations. To be honest, when I have been made known to be firmly accepted to LSE, I used to thought back then how I will finally be able to "take a break", because there is nothing left to be desired of me. I delivered. I made it through, and it is the end of the road.

But no matter how hard I tried and promised myself back then, how I would remain grateful and not expect anything more of myself, I succumbed again to feel "responsible" to be someone who I think I should be. It is an ambiguous area between ambition and altruism.

Somehow I pray that I will manage to circumvent this whole problem. You cant feed into the expectation entirely, but you will find a way to make yourself feel better and continue on with life.


Another scary thing is how I find myself have changed. I suddenly noticed that I could lose my temper quite easily, irritable and impatient. I wonder what could have come over me to change in such a way. I might be able to hypothesize some reasoning or causation behind this. One thing is what I might have alluded above, about my mindset which is on how I thought everything is going to be smooth sailing and I have surmounted the last obstacle. I might have felt drained or demoralized to realize that I am here to only ask for more challenges which I cant even take, back in my homeland. Second, is the idea that my budget seems to be five fold of what I used to spend back home, nominally, seemed to get to me. I can no longer be not calculative when it comes to spending on anything. So if someone owed me money or something along that line, it will be harder for me to just ignore it or leave it unclaimed.


However, despite all of this, I havent told you the best part of being here. It is to be able to know an usrah family and a whole lot of people who have the objective in life which is to be closer to Allah. And as always I would sometimes feel inferior to see these wonderful people so focused in their objective while I am lagging behind and they are helping me so that I could catch up with them.

Indeed because of such is my life, full of complications and things that my mind cant churn and explain...All operates in His power...I have to think very hard of what to do next everyday...

While the common stereotype people would have towards people who studies overseas is that they are able to be friends with the native whites...well it is not as easy as many people whom I know would agree...But then again, maybe I didnt try hard enough or I didnt meet the right person yet...Anyways...for me, it is just as difficult to find a true friend even if he or she is of the same colour or belief...

Hence, it is not really what I expected when I got here...even when I did expect it...(do you get it?)....Here's to my first day in London or on the same day I left Malaysia...it was so different than now...

video



Friday, December 6, 2013

Journey to A New World (Part 2)

For this part..perhaps I would talk less about my abstract problems but more of my personal observations of this "Old World" if you would call it (because New World usually connotes the US)...nevertheless, new to me...I love the fact that a lot of things I do NOT understand going on around here...But and the same time...there are also a lot of commonalities which I share with the people and environment I engaged here.

Politeness

I love the fact that the British community prides itself on politeness...and there are references made of "British politeness". On how you want to perceive this politeness (whether sincere or pretentious) as how people perceive "Japanese politeness", I cannot comment much, because I really dont care, and I do think its best if I dont...because it is really not our job to tell people they are doing something out of pure intention or just mere gesture or hand waving.

Anyways, I liked the fact they like to make their greetings at least in two sentences...for example, "Hi-ya. You alright?"...most commonly heard by me. For me I do appreciate this art of greeting because a single short greeting seemed too abrupt and awkward (please do tell me you share the same concern as I do). Like the problem with an utterly short mutter only manages to attract the attention of the person but not necessarily make the person feel he or she was being greeted or welcomed to interact.

Since I take the tube always everyday to commute to school (yes, its a school, I get it), people helping a person with a buggy or stroller going up or down the stairs, giving up seats for the elderly or the prioritized, or offering help to anyone who appeared troubled or ill, is simply a sight that is all too familiar.

Indirect way of communicating thoughts

This part of British culture for me is quite interesting and really suits my personality too. So far I have only heard about how they understate things and dont really use effusive language. Basically, this means they dont express themselves too much.

But again, this only an idea which I got from other people's inputs, not from my own personal experience. Because I can never really know if what they really mean what they say or what they actually really wish to mean...unless I ask them directly which I cant really do...at least for now.

Its the least for me beautiful,subtle and nuanced in a way when they put their way of commmuincating in such order...but sometimes it does put you in trouble too. I guess there are pros and cons.

Way of life and principles

There are many good examples of British behaviour...which us Malaysians would already have actually, but not emphasized or extended to other areas of life...In all condour, I do feel Malaysians do share a lot of common behaviour and values (being conservative and reserved at times), which I think is a good point to ponder. There is not an ocean gap when it comes to improving ourselves as Malaysians to reach the level of the Brits.

Indeed I have a lot more to learn from them...unfortunately progress have been very slow. But Im sure this land would offer me many virtual gems to be embedded in my mind.

To be continued..

Journey to A New World (Part 1)

It has been almost two months since I wrote anything on this blog...I would like to just express how grateful I am to Allah that I am now safely here in UK. It was very difficult to picture what this land would be like since I never have been here before. Its just something you heard or see through television or media but not really for yourself before your own eyes.

So, in effect I have officially become a full fledged LSE student in the UK.


It is actually a big step for me. I can never really say it "aloud" because I dont think it is appropriate to flash in front of people and say what I am feeling exactly right now. I'm happy definitely but there is a limit to which you can express that amount of happiness so you dont go overboard. Because I dont like what I see in status quo (that quintessential sentence in a debate)...

It is during these times which fortunate students get to study abroad at universities of their dreams in the countries they aspire, tend to act in a way which may cause some people to feel uneasy. Even if that particular behaviour does not cause any harm to anyone (luckily), it is still unbecoming of a person to behave in that manner. I am talking about the act of "showing off". In most cases in reality, no one really wants to be a "show off" and admitting of doing so, because most of the time we are unaware of it and it seems like a spontaneous reaction of wanting to share good news to other people in hope they would share and bask in that happiness and glory.

Specifically, especially in Facebook or Twitter, people would share those moments publicly. For now, do you think is quite natural and normal for people to do so? But nevertheless, the problem arises when you do it incessantly or in a very bold note to show you are happier than everyone else who is not in your place to the extent of making people feel envious instead of feeling motivated or inspired. The way we express our happiness does make a difference, at least for other people.

This is my personal opinion on the matter. I would discourage myself from posting things like "I am here!!! Woohoo!!!" every single minute and let pictures of yourself flood people's news feeds. My simple question before you start posting anything is "What is your intention of doing so?". If you can justify yourself then go ahead. But as for me, it is just too counter-intuitive for me to succumb to the idea you can only be happy when someone else knows you are. I mean like its just too much for me...

So, then what is the difference for me by writing in this blog? Well, eventhough my blog is public but only people who would like to make an effort to know me will read this blog to begin with. Hence, it is an information upon request and not by actively promoting them when they dont even want it in the first place.

Okay, a little side-tracked here. By the way, my journey here has not been without turbulence. Indeed the influence of surroundings are so strong now. I cant let myself be hindered if I think my surroundings dont work for me. I cant let myself feel out of place if some people dont undertsand me. I cant let myself down when other people are always on their top performance. No matter how my surroundings are not in my favour, alone shall I stand with Allah as my aim and goal.

Basically you can tell or perhaps you couldnt, that I am still having the old hard stuffs coming my way. So, even in this new phase of life, the challenges are more or less similar in nature but may differ relatively in terms of the magnitude and difficulty.

The weirdest part of this new phase of life is the fact it is the combination of people who are with me right now who came from different time planes of my pasts conveniently lumped together, coinciding in one place in the present.

One thing I noticed when I came here is the question about the purpose of life which became much more prevalent. I have been asking this question incessantly wanting to satiate this curiosity. The answer is quite straightforward. But somehow, my mentality or frame of mind is still lagged behind in comprehending the situation and resisting reality. Hopefully the situation improves as all the amenities are laid out for me waiting to be utilised. The mosque is so near and I hope to attend the prayers there more frequently...

To be continued...






Monday, August 26, 2013

Trying my best

Sometimes I wonder....how much damage or hurt could I possibly cause...by something that is beyond my control...subconciously...

But the bitter truth for me...my subconcious actions...sometimes, reveals my true thought about a person...but still, you dont mean to hurt anyone in the process....you just do...

Should I just think...its not worth thinking about it...it is inevitable....you could not have done it any better....someone has to bear the consequences....


While I share the same opinion...I myself would get angry if I am in your position...there is nothing much I could do to rectify the situation is there?

Should I let time heal your wounds and change your mind? Is time such a meaningful factor in your evaluation of a person?


Sometimes I get that a lot...when people take me very seriously....due to the person I appear to be everyday....its a surprise when my "real" thoughts got out and you are the few who get to "see" it...

No matter how real it seems to you...its not really how I envisioned it to be...you just have to give me a chance...because I'm trying my best...

Please overlook my flaws...I wish the best for you that you can be sure of...Im sure you do too...so could we just let this one slide and the future to come...


Saturday, August 17, 2013

A Ramadhan To Remember


Alhamdulillah...Alhamdulillah...Alhamdulillah...

Praise to God...I can't say that enough...

Definitely this year's holy months of Ramadhan and Syawal are memorable and special...Its the kind of relief you get when a miracle happens...After feeling so helpless and all you could do is wait patiently and pray...I cannot describe such a feeling when something so important in your life is hanging by a thread...The thought of living with that unthinkable situation for the rest of my life makes my knees buckle, my hands tremble and tears shed...Im afraid of not being able to get up again after this...But finally, it was all over in a picturesque way...

I owe everything to Him..He is my saviour...He is my sustainer...He is my shelter..He is Allah my God.

But despite everything that have happenned, I must be aware of the significance of this event, and the new responsibility that comes with it...

With this opportunity bequeathed upon me, I must work harder than before so that the final outcome is reached and not go to waste...But, all the experience and hardship I faced earlier in college perhaps will give me a prepared mind about all the possibilities...And anticipate any harm and danger that comes my way...

With this endowment, it will not be the time for me to be jumping for joy and slack off...it will be the continuation of the challenging 2 years I spent in college or A Levels...I am aware of that fact and have considered it through...I am willing or rather, I have to undertake that sort of liability...

I know somehow, some people may not consider me fit for this task...I sometimes feel that too...But it is not the time to think who should or deserve to be in this position...Whoever is chosen must try his or her best to rise to the occasion...It is no longer about competing for the opportunity...but what can be done with the opportunity...Hence, I am not going to waver and feel that I dont deserve to be here no matter how true it is in reality....But, I am going to make sure that I have tried everything within my means, capability and capacity to live up to the standards...And Im going to make sure that I can only be judged and rated based on my own merit...

It is not a situation that can be looked upon simply and taken lightly...It has so many underlying principles and clauses which must be understood beforehand as to prevent any bad consequences.

Bismillah...Lets start the new chapter of life...

Salam..

Thursday, June 13, 2013

On the edge

Finally exam is over....but Im short of celebrations....in fact, Im quite worried, because I did quite badly...I am currently grieving about it...

On the 13th of August, my life will change a lot...and I have to cope with that change...I am really hoping things will turn out well and I get to go to the university of my choice...

Also, I'm grateful that I have done a lot of extra activities besides studying lately...Alhamdulillah, the school I'm training Sains Banting has made a leap of faith, surpassing everyone's expectations including mine...I'm glad they made it to the 2nd round but it stopped just there...I hope they will be able to continue this great performance...

The student that I'm tutoring, is resiting his paper...and I just managed to have 2 sessions with him which is barely enough...hopefully he'll do well for that too and go to university of his choosing...

I'm sure most of my friends who just finished A levels are having a blast...but I'm not sure if I can tune in to that mood just yet...but there's a tonne loads of activities ahead I'm sure...I'm going to see the wind orchestra finale in PICC and meet up with old friends...and so much more ahead..

But, I'm afraid that my initial programme which I had in mind like finishing learning elementary and basic Mandarin...or finishing my study on Korean economy and politics...or even brushing up on my further maths since I'm still lagging behind in that...wouldnt be possible so soon with my current mood...

I just hope and pray...the future will be a good one as planned...amin...

salam~~

Friday, May 3, 2013

Sore eyes

My exam is starting soon...I cant say that enough...

Sometimes I wonder about the other things in life that matter as well besides than that...however, I still would think I made the choice to be responsible...

I may not enjoy too much of what I'm doing now...but I know somehow its something I must do in the name of "responsibility"...

What sort of "responsibility"...for starters, my responsibility as a Muslim, a son, a scholar, and a member of society...I just think that I want to do things for other people, and if this is one of the means I can do so, because, perhaps maybe studying is one of the things I have done better than other things in my whole life...

What I mean is that..im doing only what I can...how I feel the best way to contribute...


Im not sure if I am proud of the person I become today or in the future...because maybe it could have been better...if studying is not the only thing in my mind...could it be obsession...ambition?

I thought to myself, if there is more to life than studying, they would only be for myself and not for others (how's that for common sense)...I made a lot of sacrifices...time with family and friends...since a long time ago and still making them...I always wondered what if I had spent more time with them...But what had always kept me going is that, what I'm doing right now would also be for them later on...much later...and more indirect...sometimes, you never know how the most indirect way or act of giving will be much of the greatest gift of all, and most typically, not realised by many...

So, I was approached by this idea...you've done enough...take a break and have some "life"...you've forsaken too much of your life...

Which sometimes I feel hard to accept...because I have forsaken too much is the reason why I cant let go halfway...

Sometimes, I have to succumb to the fact I'm only human...no matter how much I want to deny emotions and sentiments...I can't...so I hid it...

Nevertheless, insyaAllah...if my heart is in the right place...everything will be resolved...the things I hoped to happen and fix will insyaAllah come...