In the modern globalized world today, people's lives have took a more perpetual pattern. When most people have more a less the same plans on how to live their life. Get good education, and a good job, and a good retirement plan and well, the end.
People become more and more competitive. To get a "good" life, you have to succeed in obtaining wealth,popularity and other heart's desire. Methods of achieving them are countless. Some are purely effort, and some are cunningly cheating their way to the top.
Despite all of this, I as a Muslim, must reflect back about life's intended purpose. And perhaps I am taking worldly matters a bit too much. Here are some things that seemed to make me ponder...
Again, here I am, worrying so much about which university I am going. And then, I questioned myself. Why is this so important again? So, my mind began synthesizing an answer. "So, that I would have a higher chance of getting hired or get recognition from people based on my credentials". And of course, this would lead to better job, better pay, etc...etc... So,like, that is what lingers in my mind though. Rather shady link to it, but it's there. Logically explained. But then, and observation from myself and inputs of experienced people lead me to a hypothesis, saying that, "Look, many people who don't necessarily perform in studies with the likes of Oxford and Cambridge became very successful in the end". A rather conflicting idea. But I just came to reason out and say like "What are the odds of you becoming like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs", to the very least, "If you would become like one, you have to have the best form of education". Perhaps education background isn't a sole determinant to success, but then again, its the best chance and the safest bet to take.
So, long story short, you have to have the best form of education i.e top universities. So, I was figuring out, what if, I never made it to the universities that wish to enroll in. Should I feel disappointed or just be grateful for at least I got to UK. To me, in my experience, I would be disappointed if I haven't tried my best. So, the big question now is, have I did my best, or how do I know I did try my hardest? I never really could answer that until now. Just imagining those people who I happen to know, spending so many extra hours on things that could get him or her to Oxford or Cambridge.Chugging coffee day and night to minimize sleep, studying consumed most of the life he or she would otherwise have. Or even those people who is just so brilliant that make you feel rather envious (a feeling which a person should never have). People who have little effort but very productive. It makes you wonder what's their secret and what is it that is lacking under your paradigm or schedule. Somehow, I wanted to feel relieved that I studied for an exam or feel empowered by the fact I am at my utmost potential that any more step that I take would not get me any closer to success.
So, for example right, I decided for myself that I would not stay up until late at night to study. Period. I take sleep very seriously. I gave myself a reason to do so which is it might disturb my health, concentration, and etc... or is this an excuse in disguise for me not put an extra effort? I couldn't really tell for certain. So, I couldn't tell if I really had tried all I could despite how hard I wanted to succeed. So, the question will be left hanging un-answered. I settled myself with a statement, "everyone has their own limits". So, I might not have tried staying up for 24 hours, assuming I could, but if my yard-stick of trying says it is just up until 12a.m, I guess that's good enough for me.And everyone has their own yard-sticks.
Oh, wait. So, like, most of the questions in my mind are now answered. So, why aren't I happier? So, why am I still worrying? Perhaps I just set my own expectations to high. I might have been to harsh on myself. Blaming myself for problems that other people can't also face if they are in my shoes (just an assumption). Actually, since I have entered this new phase of life (college), I was too determined to get what I wanted. Perhaps as a result, even I myself cannot forgive myself if I fail. And that is so wrong in so many levels. Because the last person who is going to love me for the way I am, should be ME. If I don't acknowledge that, it is like I am denying my very own existence. Initially I thought, I don't want to be complacent. That was purely it. That was my biggest concern. So, consequently, I decided to be unforgiving to myself. Never leave a room for mistakes. Punishing myself hard for things I cannot control. Forcing myself to do things that I may not necessarily want or need to do. I want everything to be perfect. I want to be perfect. And I was wrong to think that. I wasn't even close to that. I don't even have to think about being perfect.Because I'll never be perfect. And same goes to everything around me.But don't confuse this with striving for perfection. Perfection can never be attained but we must always work towards it.
I'm not sure if I had comforted myself enough by writing this. So far, the slight thought of going to the universities I dreamed of puts myself back into dread. What can I say is that...I had said this many many times before...be grateful...for everything...:)
Lastly, I want to ask myself...if you want to be soo perfect...for whom exactly are doing this for? Is it worth it?
Salam. May Allah Bless and Forgive our Sins. Dear Allah, forgive me for the things I have done and said or haven't done and haven't said. Guide me with your hidayah. Ameen.
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