Thinking Too Much

When I think about life...I was expecting this straight line linear graph with a positive gradient directly proportional to time...


To the very least I hope I was becoming wiser in evaluating situations and becoming a more matured individual.

Its that time again when you want a time machine. But this time I was just thinking, if my younger version of me would be here with me in the present...what he would think of me now?...Am I living up to his expectation?..Did I disappointed him?

Next, if I were to be in the past...what I would I think of my younger me?...Feeling proud and accomplished?..Or have a good laugh at myself about how foolish I was to have mistaken something and took things for granted?...

Nevertheless, this discussion have much to do with my current progress in A-Levels...I just would like to analyze my present self for a while. The way I feel it...I am becoming more distracted nowadays...with things that were never a problem back in the old days...or is it just me overreacting towards a problem which could be a tiny one if compared to the olden days.

Not only that...I might also haven't give enough credit to myself...Allah has granted me such a great and destined opportunity..should I be happier now? I definitely should be grateful and all praises to Him...But why am I having this impression that I am letting myself and everybody down?...

In the midst of this confusion and denial...lets delve into the softer part of being human which is social life. A problem which was never quite resolved at any given time. I somewhat have this realization that my reflection of my past in high school was rather biased. This in the sense that I would constantly say how great was the yesteryears compared to now. Actually, they were almost the same.

Yes, I did enjoy my life in STAR. But there were also times I wish I can leave sooner and stuffs like that. And this persists even to the very last moments of Graduation Day. I realized that I was not the person I think I was when I reflected myself. In fact, I am still the person I always were....estranged, side-lined, boring and insignificant...So technically, by now I should be getting used to this right? Why should I expect anything more?

Again, amidst this quagmire...I am always amazed at the things that passed...regardless of bitter or sweet the memories were...they really kept me going..I'm going tell something...but maybe later...got test...huhu..salam...

People

People...they're so many of them...

What if I said I learned to live without them...

That would be a lie...

I definitely don't want to...I decided...

or so have I came to realize...


What if they said they can live off without me...

That can be true...

I'll just accept the way things are...

Eventhough I can't bear myself to hear it...

Be grateful for everything

*For better understanding, I would like to speak in Malay*

Lama tak dengar ayat tu...sejak STAR lagi la...kalau nak buat announcement selalunya akan sebut ayat ni kat atas pentas...Untuk post kali ini, saya nak berbahasa Melayu/Malaysia...sebab tiba-tiba rasa lebih selesa kalau dapat ekspresikan diri dengan lebih jelas...Kalau dalam BI tak berapa nak jelas...ayat pun tak berapa nak betul kalau post2 yang lepas...Oleh itu, saya akan dengan rasminya menggunakan dwibahasa...haha...sekali sekala BM...sekali sekala BI...


Ok...hari ini sedikit emo...tajuk diatas merupakan "motto hidup" saya...kerana sudah beberapa kali saya menulis atau menyatakan ayat tersebut andai ditanya mengenai motto hidup...Allah Maha Esa mungkin telah menguji sejauh mana saya benar2 menghayati perkataan yang saya ungkapkan tadi...MasyaAllah...berdasarkan segala reaksi saya terhadap semua ujianNya...mungkin saya sering terlupa untuk bersyukur...kerana saya terlalu mudah patah semangat dan bersedih mengenangkan nasib saya...


Hari ini, saya sekali lagi...remind diri saya supaya sentiasa bersyukur...walaupun kadang2 rasa sangat kecewa...bosan, sedih serta takut...tentang perkembangan semasa yang selalunya revolve around duniawi semata-mata...contohnya akademik,friends, koko, cita2 dan sebagainya...


Terlalu banyak perisitwa yang banyak memberi saya pengajaran dan membuat konklusi agar sering memohon kepada Allah agar diberi solution dan penyelesaian serta perleraian...


Today maybe I would like to share some instances with you...Nak buat jalan cerita monolog sikit..


*Akademik*


Sekali lagi...aku bangun pukul 7 lebih di unit MyPlace...selepas tidur lepas subuh...terkenang balik kalau dulu kt sekolah selalu gak tidur lepas subuh...tp berapa minit je la pun...6.40 dah kena siap2 nak gi sekolah..kalau kt sini at least boleh la tidur balik sampai 7.30...haha...Dah habis perhimpunan dh pun kalau kt sekolah....Tp bila bangun 7.30 pun rase liat yg amat sangat...Mcm x de effect la pulak tido pn...So mula la merungut...ala napa la kelas pukul 8.00...padahal dh kira ok la tu pkl 8...bukan 7.00 pg dh kena ada kt blok akademik!!...Ok...tunggu roommate dah habis mandi pastu baru boleh masuk bilik air...

Suasana pun mmg rase pelik sikit la...matahari dh terang baru nak pergi kelas...rase lain la...dan tak berapa fresh...rasa ketinggalan pn ada...so...ada la buat conclusion...ada hikmahnya pagi2 dh keluar pergi kelas...tp selalu tunggu roommate skali pergi kolej pkl 8...so tape la...rasa x sedap hati kalau pergi camtu je...sebab dh terbiasa mcm tu tiap2 hari...

Environment kt sini mmg lain la dr kt sekolah...terlalu asing...duduk kt tengah2 kesibukan...cross jalan la...asap kenderaan...orang pun...memang lain dari sekolah...macam2 jenis orang...tak tahan pun ada kadang2...tp inilah hakikat dunia...

Sampai ke kelas...kelas air-cond...hurm...aku mmg x berapa suka air-cond...suka environment biasa je...but nevermind...pakai jaket evrytime pergi kelas...

Bila masuk bab belajar...memang kena serius...walaupun tak nampak serius...tapi hakikatnya kena serius...dulu kt sekolah ingat masuk u belajar relax2 je...suasana pun nampak mcm selesa dan tak stressful...tp dgn workload yang memerlukan effort yg tinggi...suasana best mcm mana pun akan stress jugak...bertambah tense lg kalau semua kt situ jenis yang memang pandai2...sesungguhnya mmg rasa amat mencabar kt sini...and berdasarkan perkembangan semasa..not very good...

So balik pukul 4 atau 3...pastu maybe tidur...tp lately tak kot...kt sekolah balik amik kuih minum petang and tidur kt dorm...kt sini nampaknye x sesuai budaya mcm tu lg...tidur petang pn mmg tak elok...tp dah terbiasa sbb penat dr kelas...so skarang petang selalu ada benda/aktiviti...(debate/chess/homework)...

Maghrib pun menjelma...kadang2...petang2 tu mula la rasa macam2...sedih...gelisah...mmg naturally rasanya...selalunya bila petang nk dekat maghrib..I always reflect many things in life...so teringat balik kalau dulu selalu makan malam awal and pergi tunggu maghrib kt surau...pastu zikir or baca Al-Quran...kt sini...Ya Allah...kt sini tak ada surau...mmg tiap2 hari kena solat sendirian...baca Al-Quran pn kurang...part ni is the part I miss the most I hope...

Selepas solat maghrib...aku dn roommate pergi makan malam...and then balik and...sambung buat kerja...and well...thats most of it everyday...

Ya Allah...mungkinkah diri ini bersikap tidak bersyukur?...So, I have to say...walaupun hidupku skarang memang bukan macam dulu...tp sekurang-kurangnya...Alhamdulillah...aku masih mampu meneruskan hidup macam biasa tanpa masalah yang besar...mungkin ada perkara yang belum aku sedar tentang apa yang ada di depan mataku ini?...apa2 pun aku hanya berdoa pada Allah agar hidup...walau macam mana pun...mesti hanya kerana Allah....it should not change with time...

Agar tersilap dan salah...mohon maaf...salam...

Nobody is perfect

Okay..I like to talk about why and when people use this sentence or phrase...This statement is self explanatory...no one is mr. perfect or flawless...

Have you ever get strucked with the feeling of resentment or disappointment when you can't do something?...or yet feeling angry with yourself when someone else come into the picture and outdo you in the things you gave your life to?...

Imagine if you are really good at something and you spent all your life at it...people applaud and praise you for it...you are practically known for the one thing you're good at..it's your signature trademark or your speciality...

AND SUDDENLY...someone else seemed to take all that away...and your efforts to fight back proved futile...

OR how about...when you started to be defensive if you have done some faults...when you started shouting at people telling them that you're not perfect and they're no good either....

I've faced these situations...firstly...about having mr. perfect bursting your bubble...yes...I have encountered some people I feel very inferior to...I feel like I want to be better than him or her in any way possible...My take would be...is to be yourself...

Being myself...is to live within my means...to only accept good things as a part of myself...if this kind of enviness will ruin us in the sense of making us feel more stressed out and frustrated..I think its best to let go...judge yourself with your own merit...only you have the value that no one else has...you are special in your own way..

Let me take an example of a urban student and a rural student...If the urban student can score better...is it justified to say that the urban student is more clever?...this might not be a fair comparison....everyone has their own limitations and the opportunities that they are exposed to...in which case it is impossible to compare anyone with anybody...because all of us have different background...Thus, living as yourself...perhaps you appreciate yourself as you...and not anybody else...

Telling people or reminding yourself that you are not perfect sometimes backfire...so what people are not perfect...we still must work towards perfection...of course...we must not take this overboard because...yes...we will make mistakes...and we should not pressure ourselves...but still...never let yourself slump into the comfort zone where you can always scapegoat everything to the statement of nobody's perfect...try to admit your faults...and try harder next time...

That is all the chit-chat from me...I hope you benefitted from this...and I hope all us be guided by Allah towards truth and success...forgive me for misconceptions...salam...

The drama of life

My parents always quote that my life is similar to a drama...is it because of the things that happened in my life?...but I guess everyone has their own drama right...

But yes,...if I were to reminisce and contemplate the things that happenned in my 19 years in this world...there were too many things that passed...even sometimes...the important ones...I seemed to forget...and I was washed away and drifted in the current of today's modern contemporary world...

There are so many things that were so memorable and once-in-a-lifetime experiences...that I could never repeat nor replace...

I reflected the times I used to aimed so high to be a state chess player...and Alhamdulillah...I went through the process...I was hanging by a thread and at the edge of the cliff from failing to achieve my dreams...I was ranked number 4...the last place to qualify...The nerve-wrecking, the-moment-of-truth moments...the clear distinction between success and failure...so close..yet so far...Of course nowadays...I have never once reached the first board of a tournament...I miss those moments...

Not to forget 2010's PPM...

All of these memories further reminds me how much I missed the teachers in STAR for their sacrifices...their guidances and helpfulness really carried me through...I wish I can see them more often...

Alhamdulillah again for these good times...although I might seemed to feel that I lost my touch...I am no longer the person that can achieve so much...I feel like my time has passed...I have become a failure...Maybe all of these feelings of mine is truth to all of these current developments...But also, maybe Allah had something better for me...or something that He planned for me...I am but to willingly submit to Him in any situation He wishes me be in. Everything good is from Allah...there is nothing to me...Everything that happens must be in His will and only to Him I seek help...

If I were to never return or go further...my plight shall go to Him...and the future forever rest in His hands...