Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Some things are better left unsaid

An introvert like me always have these moments where I need to tell myself certain things to keep my mind straight...or mainly because to comfort myself...

I always have moments that I feel like saying everything I feel inside...but then again...I choose not to...Words cannot be retracted...You cant go back on your words...it stays on people's minds...So, I prefer to be safe than sorry...Hence, a lot of things...I kept to myself...before I decide there is a net benefit if I say them...

Today was very unexpected...come to think of it...yesterday was also quite out of the ordinary...I was sick yesterday...but it is still at a preliminary stage of fever...In this case, it would still be okay though if I go to class...Nevertheless, the fever is going to get worse anyway, so I better get some real good rest to quash the fever early on...Of course, that's my mind churning out excuse to not going to Monday's class...my excuses were still acceptable I thought...because that's how I really feel...

Early Monday morning yesterday, I felt a strong desire not to go to class...I just dont feel like going...which honestly....doesnt occur that often...When my father sent me to my apartment, I didnt tell my father that I wasnt planning to go to college that day....But then, as the clock is fast approaching 8.00 am...I felt a dilemma....not on whether to go to class or not...but to tell my father...at first thought...I didnt think in any way my father will know I'm going to college or not...But, the way I'm feeling yesterday was perhaps very "genuine"...I dont have the energy to think too much...I just want to do what my heart tells me and surrender to all consequences...I really dont want to go to college...at the same time, I want my father to know what I'm feeling and my decision...so, I told my father...And, I felt really guilty because all that trouble my father went through....went out of his way and wade through traffic jam...ended up with me not going to my sole objective...Was that something really better if unsaid...at first I feel bad....but now maybe it was good that I have said such thing...

Today's surprise is different...after not going to class yesterday...I feel bad...but thats not all though...I have a sudden urge that I need to go class today...I also had a dream that the AS/A2 result was today...and I didnt realize it until someone told me later it is actually today...my results arent coming out...but my friends' are...

So, today...I met friends from my previous class,PE 11...it was really nice to be able to meet them and catching up...but perhaps this will be the only day that we'll ever see each other again...and again I feel bad about myself...if I havent said enough things...the things that should have been said as a proper farewell...sometimes I wonder if everyone else is thinking the same thing....What could have prevented me from saying the things I wish to say?...I'm not sure...

I see a lot of sad faces too today...which on my account, I really didnt have much courage to give consolations and commiserations...but in my heart, I knew I'm really sympathized with them...I want to sympathize them...but I feel like my words cant reach out to them...because the words are too commonly expressed by everyone...it becomes meaningless and sometimes irritating to the receiver/recipient....I dont want that to happen...in the end, I could only spare some certain words but pray deeply inside...

Reality is quite real...so real...that I feel I could not get out of it...there are really a lot of regrets and reliefs along the pathway of life...and I could never be too sure of my principles and decisions...but it can be really tiring thinking about all these things...being CALCULATIVE about life....I just want to feel relieved and good about the decisions I made without any regrets....but that is not going to be achieved easily...it perhaps can never be achieved...

In reality, the reality that we have now is just a preparation for afterlife...to let go of the world and embrace the afterlife is the real challenge that I have relish without regrets...

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