The Sleeping Giant

Before getting started on the title...I just like to update myself....as for you who is still reading my posts...thanks a lot...or rather...make full use of whatever info that you may find useful (though I doubt that there are many info which befits "useful" in here) ...

Owh...its been a long time since I wrote anything...because there are times I started thinking about "purpose"...what is the purpose of me writing the things I wrote here?...I couldnt really answer it well though...maybe because I just feel like it or I like to keep track of myself how I am doing...like a diary...and of course...I like to share some things which I think worth sharing...

Holidays are quite okay so far...except for the fact it has been a long time since I touched my book on Lee Kuan Yew...whoopss...I dont know...Im just not a book-reading person maybe....or lazy...zzzz....but to the very least I did my revision for A Levels...the thought of finishing A Levels soon seems exciting at first but there are other things which bothers me as well...we'll get to that later....I stopped jogging for quite a while too because there are things and commitments which I have to handle...and Alhamdulillah...now I'm done with all of them...UCAS application sent...tutoring programme done....cleaning my apartment check...and I have significantly refreshed the things I learned in A Levels before the holidays...it seems there might be clear skies ahead for me until college opens again...

Again, before I start talking about the sleeping giant...it started out...err...perhaps irrelevant at first....It seems that I might have caught that korean fever again....Most of the time I spent for the holidays on entertainment is by watching korean dramas,gameshows,music videos and such...So, I will talk a little bit about this particular country...and in relation how will this affect mine...

I googled (correct me if I'm wrong)...Korea is considered a developed country...even if some of us are still unsure about this fact...its GDP or BOP is definitely way better than some already well established first world nations....so, lets analyze how many countries in Asia could actually amount to a GDP close enough to these first world countries aside from S.Korea....you can say Japan,China and Singapore as obvious examples....other than these countries...there are not much we could say...

So, I'm trying to correlate some things that I find about Singapore since I've been studying on that recently, and also S.Korea...both of them are considered younger players compared to Japan and China...how can these countries be successful in quite a short time...education wise also, in Asia, S.Korea and Singapore topped the list for Science and Maths...Both of these countries also didnt have much resources to begin with to have a strong foundation for an economy...

What about S.Korea's success in the entertainment industry...I know that we sometimes have this "herd mentality" where we simply follow blindly and believe what most people say about some things without giving much thought...but is this really the case? Well, honestly...I let you find the answer that yourself....but as for me...there are obvious reasons why they managed to capture international markets...Lets think how did "Gangnam Style" became popular...well you can have millions of responses about what you think about it...but really...how did it manage to put the song for the most viewed in the world?

Despite all these thoughts....I really believed in Malaysia...the sleeping giant...who still have much to offer to the world but never really realized its true potential...at least to ease the pain from the fact the we lost to Thailand in football...at least our country in S.E Asia, we came second to Singapore in terms of economy...But, have we ever wondered what is our country's identity...what are we really famous for? Somehow, westerners know more about Indonesia,Singapore,Thailand, Philippines and even Myanmar...why not ours?

Im not endorsing that our country should go gung-ho on entertainment....but lets think about the things our country should do to put itself back in the eyes of the world....We actually started even with S.Korea...in fact...actually...our economy was better than Korea in the past decades...But now...we're using their electronic gadgets i.e samsung...can we really make these things too? I dont really see why we cant...Honestly, Malaysia really have excellent brains in there...but we didnt tap it out successfully...excellent brains are not used to innovate...but simply follow instructions from the west....we didnt venture enough in our own paths to do things...we have to be independent...we need to be able to make things on our so we dont rely on others...this has much also been the ideal of Lee Kuan Yew...being independent from Malaysia in most cases like water supply for domestic use...

But  most important if all, for me...is the people's attitude...just imagine if all the people have high sense of morality and courtesy...where people dont do things simply for profit and benefit...where they help the country in the smallest of ways like picking up rubbish in the sidewalks...when they are conscious that everything they do,say and think will affect the nation...when they simply love the nation because its theirs...when we dont have to worry about whether our race and religion is being undermined....these miracles need to happen for Malaysia to stand tall....it just has to happen....

Honestly, I'm just upset about the situation that we live in...dont just shift these problems to politicians....we expect so much but we do so little...this goes to me also...

I'm not moving

I'll be here in case you change your mind...

I accept

The holidays are fast corroded by time...I for one am not really sure about myself...I'm at the edge of my seat...not really set to sit and relax...waiting...somehow...anticipating something fast approaching...

Oh Yes! A2 that is! Definitely...

Thinking about the future...in the next few months...somehow even now my world has changed quite a lot...nothing seems to be rooted to its place for a long time...I have accepted the fact....and I just trust in myself regardless of my environment...I believe...greatness...and all that is good...can stay in a person without really worrying about everything around you...

I'm afraid of becoming obsolete...like an old man...discarded by society...useful to none...somehow I feel like the old man...just living life without any meaning...

I only have Allah to turn to at times like this....I cant really tell why I feel like this...and hopefully...the questions in my head are answered...

Its been almost a month since I updated about myself...

I havent done much studying...partly due to my schedule towards other commitments...My tutoring programme is doing quite well...the person I'm tutoring is preparing himself for SPM...and I'm confident about his result...regardless of how he feels...

A tremendous progress also for my trainees in Banting...I got an appreciation gift as well for my service...which is more than enough...they finally established some solid grounds to make a name for themselves...they have a facebook page finally...and scheduled for some local nearby university tournaments...hopefully joining the likes of SDAR,SSAS and many more...

And recently, I went to Kelantan with my family...and I find it hard to forget the experience of going to many stalls and shops to eat and shop....

Thats all for now...adieu...:)

Hoarder in me

As per title, hoarder is usually a term used to describe a person that has some sort of disorder to keep a lot of stuff with them...compulsive hoarding is a psychological state in which the person feels attached to objects...

I think I am too a compulsive hoarder...I feel that objects that belong to me are a part of me....and usually, objects can remind you of some forgotten past,memories,sentiments and sensations...

I notice that I'm not a person who can simply move on with life without having to reminisce things that have happened in the past...

Today, I had the urge to look back into my past...I still keep the boxes which contain my belongings in STAR...eventhough my parents insisted to throw it away or at least sort out the things which can still be used...I was still adamant to keep all of it...and today, I salvaged whatever that I can find that is important to me...

I find a lot of stuff,...some old test papers...English essays...name tags...and my iPod shuffle...

and it is still functional...my major source of entertainment is only this back in school (excluding cybercafes)...but only up to Form 4 because I lost the charger...and I instead listened to music using my phone later in Form 5...

Sentimental much...

RM1

The moment you met a really great person...and just left without saying goodbye...leaving something hanging without an ending...

Its just weird...the way we act like nothing ever happened...even till now...

Farewell...its been nice knowing you...if only I can say this to you directly...

Revolution

Hopeful. I had the spirit to come out strong this time...so the title describes what my plans for the near future...Well..actually..nothing much...because its the holidays that is...the outlook seemed..."bearish"...but there are things going on anyway...

1)Ice skating
2)Jog
3)Study of Singapore
4)Maths continuous exercise
5)Tutoring and coaching
6)Study for A2
7)You-tube-ing econs videos

So, I might be updating on the things I'll be doing during these 3 months....its 1 am...and I'm reading on Lee Kuan Yew...okay...goodnight...

The jerk

The biggest jerk I have ever known in my entire life is none other than me....I just realized it...but I just have to move on from this and accept the fact...at the same time improving myself...

I'm so sorry to the people affected by my unruly behaviour...only Allah knows how sorry I am...I try to correct myself in the future...

Sometimes at times like this I am blessed to have people who can tolerate me all this while...

Bittersweet

Ever did something that make you feel happy and sad at the same time...especially when you made a sacrifice and it is meant to be better for you...and watching the result of your own decision before your eyes...

Or still feel sorry even if you have done your best....I'm not saying its a problem...its just a very delicate and fine feeling that is difficult to describe...

Safe to say I'm..

Help

Help...whether it is offered or asked for?


One day, I was in college...a busy day as usual...but on that day it was slightly...shall we say..."heavy"

I need to distribute some papers to some of my classmates...so I need to a carry a box...but the thing is...carrying handouts to class is no big deal...the problem is when you have to carry everything including past years (with answer booklet) of every single subject on the same day plus the box, instantaneously and simultaneously was no ordinary ordeal...

So at this one point in class...got into a conversation...suddenly it end up i dont how to here..

"...as you can see, I'm carrying a lot of stuff...so,.bla bla bla,.." - me

" why didnt you ask for help? " - classmate

" because you didnt offer.."

"because you didnt ask.."

and then i cant remember vividly but we traded barbs on the matter until his analogy came up..

"if someone is going to kill you would you ask for help?"

"uhh..yeah...but...i'm not that desperate for help right now!"

"people should ask for help.."

"if you really want to help a person..you should offer it instead.."

And the thing just petered out...but somehow later...down the stairs...when I was taking a short break to reorganize all my stuff...the same person came up and offered to help...I just felt a bit awkward...because of my reluctance and ego...he is still willing to agree to follow my principle of help which is a bit erroneous.

But I just want to make it clear that sometimes there are reasons behind the way I acted...I dont want to spell everything out for people to know how I feel...

Besides, I wasnt really that in need for help...but in times of urgency and things that is impossible for me to solve myself..I know when to ask for help..but as long I can do things on my own...I dont want to burden other people with unnecessary errands.

But, through this experience...I decided to change my principle to be more lenient and moderate...I'll ask for help more often but not every single thing...hopefully I can achieve this in practice...

Salam...

Harapan

"Cukuplah Allah bagiku"

Sungguh ungkapan itu sangat mendalam dan benar...

"Sesungguhnya janji Allah itu benar"

Hanya Allah tempatku bergantung...janji Allah itu pasti datang...

Aku mengharap...terlalu mengharap...kepada manusia...yang hanyalah manusia...yg tidak mampu selain mencuba yg terbaik...kerana salah bukanlah mereka...yg salahnya diri ini...yg meletakkan harapan bukan di tempat sepatutnya...

Islam, the prerequisite of success

With each passing day, there is this one dilemma, I certainly could not get out from...which is about the joy and fulfillment of dunya or worldly matters...I was only thinking about dunya and lesser about hereafter...needless to say, I only found a dead end, where I felt that there is not one thing I've done right...and of course, we all know what we are talking about...

Alhamdulillah, when I think about Allah...He always brought me to realization...and indeed He is the Most Generous and Most Merciful...I was calm and rational again....I was again human...I was again the servant of Allah in nature...I realized that a lot of things in my life which are not done in the way it should be done...

To make things more vivid, I was referring to the recent A2 trial results...so, today, I have received all my results...and obviously, that feeling when you're not satisfied seeps to my brain...its nothing new but its something I want to straighten out...so, I was disappointed and frustrated...so I was searching of things to calm my nerves...and so, it lead me to think deeply...until at a point where I noticed the reason why I'm living in this world...and most of you can already guess what it is...

So, I forget about being disappointed and all...and I will not give up in fulfilling my reason to live...I will not give up in my studies..I will not give up supplicating to Allah...because He does not want me to give up...

To wrap things up...here is an article which is inspiring and eye-opening to anybody who wishes to be enlightened...

http://www.hadithoftheday.com/inspiration/why-do-people-have-to-leave-each-other/

Salam..

First Day of the Lasts

The first day of the lasts would meant that today is the first day of my last 2 weeks in college here with my class, PE11...and I think everyone in my class is already in the state of mind where our days as classmates are numbered...hence, I took the time to ask some of my friends who are doing 1 and a half year A level programme about their plans to obtain their degree...many of them are also planning to go overseas...eventhough they are not sponsored...sometimes I feel rather guilty, if someone who performed better than me turns out not having anyone sponsoring them...This is also a challenge for me...I do not want to be a disservice to my sponsors and tax payers...and they are my benchmark...

Hence, this leads straight to my next point, my trial A2 results...I'm okay with it I guess...there are both good and bad about my overall results...particularly, my Maths were suffice to give me some moral boost, but I'm still not sure whether with the current grade I can improve my A level results to A*...I'm really considering to resit my Maths AS paper next year...and very surprising for Economics, I performed poorly compared to others...but anything else, it was okay and more or less manageable...but my objective, I should say is satisfactorily achieved...

So, I would really miss my friends who will not be joining us for next year or next semester...It really feels like yesterday when we were so anxious about how difficult is Further Maths, patiently undergone Malaysian Studies and barely know each other...and I definitely learn a lot about other races...and I certainly learn a lot from them as well...

A lot of difficulties we went through, like how our class rep Aiman had to complete the class' year book page but never managed to do it properly because of some cooperation and coordination problems...I definitely remember the Malaysian Studies classes...the classes can really either make you sit on the edge of your seat or doze off...and the project work is not an easy one...and I almost forgot about my short time in Thinking skills classes...Throughout the semesters, I reckoned that a lot of interesting moments have happened and we laughed about a lot of things that have been going around...

Not to forget, we will also part with our lecturers...I cant imagine having another mentor besides Mr. Vara...no arguing he is one of the nicest and best mentors and teachers in college...and all the lecturers are fun and know how make the class lively...I hope to be able to continue my studies even after they are no longer our subject lecturers...

 A few days more...and counting...salam..

Rainy Days and Mondays

The title has nothing much to do with my post today...just some of my thoughts which I thought worth while posting...for myself..

Actually, I was just wondering about someone who commented about my blog...I guess it had to do with the way how my life is portrayed...troubled and unhappy basically...actually, I don't know how to react to that...Maybe its mostly due to my mood...truth be told, I like to express myself when I am bothered or troubled by something...so writing about it in my blog is kind of like a way to vent out those stuff...its quite a straight-forward reason actually...

Or maybe partly because I am going through a phase in life which I have a lot of difficulty with...and that means in other words...it could be as just how you perceived it; troubled and hay-wired...

So, to worry or not...I think its rather of how life goes on..so it's ok...everyday I'm working on solutions for myself and probably the world even...lol...

Ok..for some real blogging...tomorrow I'll go to Kuantan for a short family retreat...and I'll be back on Monday...

Another thing that is on my mind is courtesy, etiquette and manners....lately, I have been meeting new people a lot...trust me...A LOT...students, families, teachers...there are so many...but anyways, the one thing that will always bother my mind is what sort of impression I had given to those people I just met...I really like to put myself on the safe side...I dont want to talk too much or talk too little...but in the end...I'll just end up being dull...so I'll just become another face in the crowd...which might be the thing I wanted after all...But, to me most important is not to be disrespectful to others...I can tolerate if people think I'm uninteresting, but I really dont want people to have a negative impression about me...I rather keep quiet than being irritating...but I credited myself for being able to wade through awkward situations unscathed...

Nevertheless, it always boils down to myself...I dont have to pretend who I am...but I can always heave a sigh of relief when I was able to make new friends and acquaintances without stepping on some toes...I was happy going through the process, eventhough sometimes it may be tiring...

Until then, salam...

Have a safe journey

To a very good friend of mine, Aiman Sanudin, have a safe trip to UK. Acturial science totally suits you especially when you have a niche for maths.You are one person I definitely wouldnt and shouldnt forget. Those 5 years of my life were crazy and amazing, and you would be one of the person that helped me to melt those years away. Those hectic days when we were prefects and feeling a bit under the pressure...copying each others' homework just to please teachers...trying our best not to sleep in class...lamenting how I spent my Saturday outings in cybercafes...I'm sure many people in our batch owed to you for all your heart-warming gestures and quirky personality.  Remember how you always asked me to wake you up in the mornings to study or for Subuh prayers..at least there's one favour I could do for you...and I appreciate how you would always thank me for that...All I can say is that it has been really nice knowing you all this while, and my life in STAR wouldnt be as great if you had not been there. At the same time, I also view you as my rival in academics..but as long as I can remember, I dont think it really matters..because you would always stay on top of me...lol...and its also because I decided that I wouldnt want to trade our friendship for anything else...hence, I was really happy that you got 1st place for SPM trials and secured the BNM scholarship eventhough I didnt get the chance for interview...And I hope you still keep the pen I gave you as souvenir which is the pen and only prize I won or lost in PPM finals...that is for being a great companion while I was dreading and grieving with the lost...in case you misplaced the pen..that's ok...but dont expect me to give you anymore after this...lol..

I know that without us realizing, time will change us who we are, but to me, there will be always things in life which time can never change...So, insyaAllah, I'll see you around in UK in a year or so...sorry for being cheesy, cant help myself...

Picking things up

And again I can see crossroads in front of me, while the others are still busy talking to each other. It seems its going to happen again...

This semester is going to end soon. And prediction of how calm and soothing semester this was going to be can go way down the tubes...of course, it was not as relaxing as I thought it would be...but it was indeed a life changing semester...such a big choice of words there...but its the only way I could describe my feelings right now...

All in all, I have to say that there are numerous events that occurred during this semester..I learned a lot of things from it...umm..apparently my initial intention to write about those experiences come to a halt as of this moment because I still feel I shouldnt disclose everything I do on the net...


But, there are things I can talk about which I would happily disclose and share...something I found quite personal as well...I'm going to talk about the things I watched like dramas,sitcoms, comedies and so on...

It is quite interesting enough to know how entertaining and liberating so to say watching stories or movies...come to think of it...I might prefer something more visual unlike reading to occupy myself...
But, just a little reminder before getting attached to those tv screens and glued to your laptops...remember not to go overboard...Actually this sudden habit I picked up after finishing school...yeah...because I got nothing much to do..so...I thought watching videos on the net seemed like a good idea..unlike tv..at least you can choose what you're watching instead of leaving yourself with no options to switch channels or shows...unless you own your own tv...Inevitably..there are things that I wished I never had seen on those films..but anyways...do pick up the useful and beneficial things from it...besides, its quite a good way to practice your verbal and communication skills too...

So, how about some reviews shall we...I dont like to explore too much though...so I just dig back whatever old things I watched when I was a kid...hence, Disney movies and productions seemed to me like one of the most inspirational things in my life...I mean..growing up with Disney just make your life feel so complete...it will make you see the world is not as complicated,big and miserable...so long as you have the values that the story was trying to brought forth...many people would agree with me that it is better than what you are being served these days with all the negative influences...swearing and sexual innuendos are at minimal is all in the good old days..feels like I was born yesterday...

I'm currently running a streak on Even Stevens...which I thought seemed quite balanced...comedy...not too perky...realistic..and most importantly gives that 'awww' and warm feeling inside you of happy ending...

                     

Basically, its about lives of a family, the Stevens family. But usually the story revolves around the teenagers, Louis and Ren. These siblings are totally the opposite of each other. What I can say is that, I can really like relate my life with whatever issues or rather plots in every episode. It really speaks about what values do people need to keep living a hopeful life in this world.

I like how the characters are portrayed. Ren is a girl, just to clear that out. Not an average girl though, she's beyond average. To me, she depicts those very perfectionist and "narcissistic" kind of person...I think most of us in dear reality would relate to her daily dilemmas if you are the kind of person who always wants to "succeed" in "life"...She is purely the Ms. Perfect in the story...she is practically good in everything...she had her pictures on the wall of fame for the best student for consecutive semesters..accepts no less than As for her grades...always particular about anything that will contribute to her ascend...She is also the principal's pet I might say and also the kind of person who would always show up on the podium in school events...practically everyone in the school recognized her as the epitome of perfection..she was also called "goodie two shoes" for her "responsible" behaviour.

Of course in every episode, the story poke holes in her life...showing how "imperfect" in reality she is compared to her brother Louis, who is the school troublemaker and described as "Nothing boy" by Ren, which she later apologized. Apparently for Louis, he is the kind of person who likes to be normal. But, technically he is not as normal as he is crazy with ideas and always goof around.

                                              

Problems Ren faced were rather, to me, the ordinary workaholic people would likely face...like of course, the flaws of Ren are always seen...like how un-athletic she is, she is always bothered by her busy schedule and surmountable pressure from teachers and peers alike...however, despite being popular and mighty, she has problems to understand people sometimes...for example, having negative perceptions about her brother and like people who are below her...

Louis' problems were of course of lower magnitude...but the situation always turn upside down as long as he is around, which explains why Ren is always annoyed...Louis is rather a complement to his sister as he is the one teaches Ren to lead a "normal" life. I really like this part a lot because it redefines how people choose to best lead their life and the values we have to carry. Louis' idea of normal is having fun and not taking things too seriously to a point where it will not be healthy for even Ren.   
 
Nevertheless, both characters also portrayed everyday problems with friendship and love. Ren, being the girl and older sister is always concern about her crush and having her friends (posse) to assist her in her relationships. Louis also have his two usual friends, Alan Twitty and Tawny Dean. Twitty would be the person to join Louis and his schemes while Tawny will rectify the situation and bring Louis to his senses. However, Louis and Tawny later developed their friendly relationships into love. However, this is developed throughout the episodes and they once officially confessed their feelings for each other. However their status as a couple caused their relationship to turn sour and problematic and thought it would be probably best to stay friends. Nevertheless, they always knew inside that they loved each other but maintained a fixed distance and always refer each other in public as friends.

                                        



Next up, one of my favourite movies, Pocahontas. It is quite a nice story to watch for a cartoon. If it wasn't for this movie, I would have never known about how America is actually formed by the Brits. Their descendants I mean. It is also quite open minded for the movie to be made, depicting how the native Indians are the initial people living in the New World. The best part is to see how the encounter of two different cultures, belief, skin colour, and race came to understand and trust each other in a colonialism setting. If not for Pocahontas' encounter with John Smith, the native Indians might have been invaded and eradicated. I would think Pocahontas as a hero who chooses diplomacy with the white men.

           
                                                       




I'm sure everyone has stories that they have heard,seen or read about which may be even more interesting and life changing. And all of them are different. They might not be your or my real experiences, but this is as close as it gets to the real thing. These are the things that shape us who we are. Regardless how old you get, these values are the ones that we are going to teach our children. And we stick to those values. Pheww, the word "values" I used a lot today...

Sigh

Mama and ayah...I'm so sorry...I can barely handle all these responsibilities...sorry I could not spent as much time with you as I would...I dont know if I'm making the right choices and decision...but I will always try to make you happy...

A shift of stance

Salam...I just realized something..that something inside me which I think I should have kept within myself, is eroded with time...

I realized that I refused to take opportunities to learn...instead...I focused on making sure...I succeed in everything I do...this is which I think is a little bit impeding on my growth and expansion for performance...in other words...I'm too scared to fail...or at least I do not want to relish the idea of failing...failing might not always be something bad...in my circumstance...perhaps I need to open up...because in accumulation of all failures...will lead to a permanent success...

I also think that I have discouraged myself from giving advises...I'm afraid of the fact that I do not follow my own advice i.e a hypocrite...but I should not allow this to persist...I must continue to give advises...and this will create a pressure for me to follow my own advice...

A2 Trials is coming really soon...it is my last chance at weathering my future...as I said earlier...everything is more or less determined already...but there is something I must do...it is partly ego but I try to think of it as a platform to self improve...nothing is simple anymore...even the things that were similar in the past..

Thank You

I'm grateful to have known you guys. Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin...

Learnt your lesson already?

AS result has already been released. I am grateful for it. But I am worried if I wont be able to secure an offer to go to universities that require much much higher qualifications. I'm speechless...

Anyways, my campaign would be more or less over though now. In the end, I flopped I think. It was rather a mission failed. So, here I am now. I am not sure what to do next.

Hence, I have a new objective. Just a personal one. I want to get the best results for my A2 trials. Just for my own sake. It wouldn't affect much at this point.

Sometimes, I tried to think why it has come to this? I really think that there are other factors which I could have changed. For example, my dilemma between laziness and tiredness. It is quite a good wake up call though for me.


Is there any implications out of all this. I mean, what are the obvious things that I can see after the results are announced. Well, I can see some are heaving a sigh of relief. And I have a long road to go. Truth is, I am quite disappointed. Some people think I am not capable to help them in academics when I offered it. I just have to concede I am a lower rank echelon comparatively.

So, everything is more or less determined now. I just have to use whatever I have now to build a better future. Salam.

Intrigued

Intrigued is the feeling I could describe myself right now. Lately, there is much development in my life. A lot of interesting things had happened also. Some are really pleasant, some are perplexing, some are just complicated. SO, I am intrigued at how everything is as it is. Of course, I have Allah to thank for this. Alhamdulillah. The month of Ramadhan has been so great. It has always been. Although I might complain a little bit on my part ; I have not done as much tarawih as I had, so far since I left school. So, I was wondering to myself why this occurred and I can tell you the reasons right away. However, I would be ashamed of myself. Only Allah knows my situation right now. Nevertheless, the spirit of Ramadhan actually comes within ourselves. If your surrounding is not as Ramadhan, then you'll have to make it Ramadhan. What I'm trying to say is that, the Ramadhan begins with us. We make Ramadhan as how it is. SO, that is another thing which I'll try to improve on.


FYI, I miss Ramadhan in STAR. Almost everyday without fail, I would go for tarawih. Partly because it is part of the daily schedule. But, the activity itself gives great satisfaction. I would admit I would have wasted most of my Ramadhan if I have not done all those things. And the same question pricked me again and again, if you could do it then, why not now? Well, I have been trying to answer that too. The real world is not as ideal anymore. That's my comment. Anyways, I'll have to adapt to achieve that ideal state.


Moving on, I was also elated to know my...student I guess...I am currently tutoring economics for my lecturer's son. He managed to pass his econs test. So, I'm really happy. Because I was worried that my presence do not give any added value to his education. I was really on the verge of giving up...not on him...but on myself...I'm afraid that I may have failed myself...I thought if he can get a better tutor, it would have helped him a lot more. Then, this incident gave me a little bit of assurance,confidence,a sign and an indicator on how I should just continue on with the tutoring.


The 3rd semester seemed to be coming to an end soon. Quite soon actually. To be frank, sooner than I hoped it would. That is actually quite surprising ; those words actually came from me. So, you want the 3rd semester to be longer is it?? What is wrong here!? You want more classes? The reasons? Hurm...I can't tell really. But surely one of the reason is because A2 Trials is too near!! I have only 1 week to work with. Plus, this is going to be another important determinant of my forecast result.

Talking about academics, everyone is buzzing about the UCAS application (university application). The contagion about forecast results might have been caused by me. A small part of it at least. I think it is a like a taboo or something to be asking our lecturers about this. Plus, there is a sense of caution in the air. Furthermore, everyone is starting to fire up their personal statements. All of these things are based on one main objective. To get the university of our dreams. And one important thing to bear in mind is that spaces are limited.

Hence, my AS result is coming real soon. I am freaking myself out. On my own accord, I dont think I performed at my best during AS. SO, that is another worrying factor. But the result will enlighten a lot of things really. Like how realistic is my uni choices. But then again, there is the forecast. SO, there is so much things to look out for. The idea that I need to bury some of greatest dreams had stifled me for the past few weeks. Like I decided to not apply Oxbridge. It is quite disappointing a bit. SO, this AS result will also tell me roughly about what are my chances to get to OTHER universities besides Oxbridge. I was actually hoping for a London uni. It is a good thing that my friend reminded me how Allah's plans are for our betterment. Indeed I have tried, now I will work with what I have and just do my best in the future.

Thank you to all the people that had been with me through thick and thin. Surely, not everything is what it seems. But in reality, all you are just great and really nice people. Salam.

P/S : Thank you Cikgu Shahnun for your heart warming post. It really made me happy. Thank you so much.

Even Now

Cheers...

I'll keep what I want to keep

Keeping it real...(sigh)...when many people would say I'm living in my own world with pixies and fairies, I just like to say...you can call me anything you like and say anything you like about how I live my life...This is my principle...if I die holding on to it...SO BE IT..

The "real world" they call it...is not an ideal place...where everything is not always proper and nice to you...to me...I don't care about what is it that plagues the world today...if I choose the way I want to live my life...you'll just have to watch me then...because really...I don't care..because I know what I'm doing is right...why do I have to follow what everybody else is doing?

Mind Interrogation

In the modern globalized world today, people's lives have took a more perpetual pattern. When most people have more a less the same plans on how to live their life. Get good education, and a good job, and a good retirement plan and well, the end.

People become more and more competitive. To get a "good" life, you have to succeed in obtaining wealth,popularity and other heart's desire. Methods of achieving them are countless. Some are purely effort, and some are cunningly cheating their way to the top.

Despite all of this, I as a Muslim, must reflect back about life's intended purpose. And perhaps I am taking worldly matters a bit too much. Here are some things that seemed to make me ponder...


Again, here I am, worrying so much about which university I am going. And then, I questioned myself. Why is this so important again? So, my mind began synthesizing an answer. "So, that I would have a higher chance of getting hired or get recognition from people based on my credentials". And of course, this would lead to better job, better pay, etc...etc... So,like, that is what lingers in my mind though. Rather shady link to it, but it's there. Logically explained. But then, and observation from myself and inputs of experienced people lead me to a hypothesis, saying that, "Look, many people who don't necessarily perform in studies with the likes of Oxford and Cambridge became very successful in the end". A rather conflicting idea. But I just came to reason out and say like "What are the odds of you becoming like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs", to the very least, "If you would become like one, you have to have the best form of education". Perhaps education background isn't a sole determinant to success, but then again, its the best chance and the safest bet to take.

So, long story short, you have to have the best form of education i.e top universities. So, I was figuring out, what if, I never made it to the universities that wish to enroll in. Should I feel disappointed or just be grateful for at least I got to UK. To me, in my experience, I would be disappointed if I haven't tried my best. So, the big question now is, have I did my best, or how do I know I did try my hardest? I never really could answer that until now. Just imagining those people who I happen to know, spending so many extra hours on things that could get him or her to Oxford or Cambridge.Chugging coffee day and night to minimize sleep, studying consumed most of the life he or she would otherwise have. Or even those people who is just so brilliant that make you feel rather envious (a feeling which a person should never have). People who have little effort but very productive. It makes you wonder what's their secret and what is it that is lacking under your paradigm or schedule. Somehow, I wanted to feel relieved that I studied for an exam or feel empowered by the fact I am at my utmost potential that any more step that I take would not get me any closer to success.

So, for example right, I decided for myself that I would not stay up until late at night to study. Period. I take sleep very seriously. I gave myself a reason to do so which is it might disturb my health, concentration, and etc... or is this an excuse in disguise for me not put an extra effort? I couldn't really tell for certain. So, I couldn't tell if I really had tried all I could despite how hard I wanted to succeed. So, the question will be left hanging un-answered. I settled myself with a statement, "everyone has their own limits". So, I might not have tried staying up for 24 hours, assuming I could, but if my yard-stick of trying says it is just up until 12a.m, I guess that's good enough for me.And everyone has their own yard-sticks.

Oh, wait. So, like, most of the questions in my mind are now answered. So, why aren't I happier? So, why am I still worrying? Perhaps I just set my own expectations to high. I might have been to harsh on myself. Blaming myself for problems that other people can't also face if they are in my shoes (just an assumption). Actually, since I have entered this new phase of life (college), I was too determined to get what I wanted. Perhaps as a result, even I myself cannot forgive myself if I fail. And that is so wrong in so many levels. Because the last person who is going to love me for the way I am, should be ME. If I don't acknowledge that, it is like I am denying my very own existence. Initially I thought, I don't want to be complacent. That was purely it. That was my biggest concern. So, consequently, I decided to be unforgiving to myself. Never leave a room for mistakes. Punishing myself hard for things I cannot control. Forcing myself to do things that I may not necessarily want or need to do. I want everything to be perfect. I want to be perfect. And I was wrong to think that. I wasn't even close to that. I don't even have to think about being perfect.Because I'll never be perfect. And same goes to everything around me.But don't confuse this with striving for perfection. Perfection can never be attained but we must always work towards it.

I'm not sure if I had comforted myself enough by writing this. So far, the slight thought of going to the universities I dreamed of puts myself back into dread. What can I say is that...I had said this many many times before...be grateful...for everything...:)

Lastly, I want to ask myself...if you want to be soo perfect...for whom exactly are doing this for? Is it worth it? 

Salam. May Allah Bless and Forgive our Sins. Dear Allah, forgive me for the things I have done and said or haven't done and haven't said. Guide me with your hidayah. Ameen.

What Do You Want?

Nothing much particularly this week. I am waiting to sit for my last paper this Thursday. Finally, all that needs to be done has been done. After that, I can hope and pray, for a future that is best for me.

This week maybe I'm planning to do some activities. Maybe like go catch a movie, shopping and coach some schools to debate. And perhaps I would also be occupied on some days to teach Economics to my lecturer's son.

An idea that crossed my mind last week. What I wanted in life? As per my previous post on my dilemma about my academics just after a short sigh of relief from the AS Trials, just when I thought I can finally hold onto the moment and firmly hold my ground, I faltered like a deck of cards. So, I thought I did. Thus, I interrogated myself as to why this happened? Was I complacent? Or is it just beyond my limitations?

Despite having these questions bothering my mind, and my holidays (presumably), again, I settled myself with a statement, "No matter happens, I will do all within my means to serve good".

Because that's all I ever wanted. And I had forgotten about it.

Saya dan Dunia

Beberapa minggu yang lepas (actually seminggu) , beberapa insiden yang amat significant telah berlaku dalam diari hidup saya...

1)HKSBP 2012
2)Physics Test (AS)

Alamak itu je...nevertheless...dua perkara ni menimbulkan pelbagai thoughts in my mind...and also if you noticed I'm using "rojak" because I think its better to express my mind to the fullest in this medium of communication...

HKSBP 2012 merupakan HK yang amat bermakna dalam hidup saya...walaupun saya bukan participant...tetapi rasa belonging yang sangat kuat di sini...sekali lagi saya menjejakkan kaki di bumi STAR...yang merupakan dunia saya seketika dahulu...I dont know how to say it...this place...tempat ini...have a special place in my heart...kalau dulu, most of the things that concerns me hanya within the borders of the school...we dont have time to think of anything else...we already have our hands full dengan things happening in the school...minda kita dipagari...with so many assumptions and assertions...that somehow keeps us safe and alive...from the harsh realities of the world...bila dah melangkah keluar dari sekolah..barulah terasa...tingginya langit, rendahnya bumi...nothing is what it seems...somehow, the world out there, a lot of things which doesnt seem right...appears to be the norm...

Okay, back to my experiences of this year's HK...saya amat berpuas hati dengan team...but of course, there is room for improvement...it started out well, they were full of optimism...and I just came and trying to settle down for a while in Ipoh...and there seems no need to rush because they were quite prepared...I just take my own time then...Truth be told, I was a bit tempted to know...whether my name is there yet in the hall..because I never had seen it for myself before...saya sebenarnya eager to see it...because hopefully, it will motivate me with regards to what I am going through now in college...and actually, I immediately reached the hall first that evening...unfortunately, the hall was under renovation..so not yet I guess...

Anyways, I woke up the next day..it is actually the first day of HK where people register and everything...so, for us...nothing to do...kinda free...Pagi2 lagi saya dah bangun and ordered the team for a training...of course, I am just there to guide and train...saya bukan captain...so to listen or not is for them to decide...I met a few teachers in the morning, such as Mdm Mastura Shaari, Mr King , and Ayahanda himself. As my initial intention, to go to the hall...and yes..is luckily there..my name on the list of students with their respective year..I dont know what to feel really...I'm just glad I guess...its kind of unexpected really...sejujurnya, saya rasa...these things are just occurrences...saya tak patut rasa terlalu bangga dengan insiden tersebut...realitinya...ada yang lebih baik daripada saya..

Nothing really for the day...and the next day started...the rounds and everything...it seems pretty much and easy route for them to reach the critical rounds...So, I was occupying myself with handing out goodie bags to the teachers...it wasn't an easy task though...I have to see the teachers one by one and return to the rumah tamu where I'm staying to refill the bags...and also, on the same day, I took my SPM certificate at the office...

So, to cut to the chase, it all continues to the last day I guess...banyak perubahan to the school I've seen so far...the teachers never fails to make me smile...it makes me feel so lucky to be in this school...furthermore, some of my batch members also came...the teachers...their words really affect me deeply...its is again quite motivating...linking myself to my former world...but again, a lot of things I picked up from my visit to STAR...both good and bad...something happened I guess between me and the debate crew..maybe there was a bit of misunderstanding...or lack of prioritization..but, still...there are people who seemed very supportive of me...and believes in me...and understands the things that had been going on in my head...and I'm glad that person took my words pretty well...and even to the last minute...

The day has a very weird aura to it...I was panicking at the same time...STAR vs SDAR...and my physics test is coming up..and it is also the time for me to head back to Shah Alam...I'm glad they did their best...but I don't know what happened...after the semi-final ended...straight away me and my batch mates head for the ending ceremony...saya rasa cukup berdebar....saya tak tau apa nak rasa....tetapi ada tanda2 yang saya telah terima tentang keputusan semi-final...sama seperti keadaan saya pada 2010...saya hanya mampu menunggu hingga the official truth comes out through the speakers...saya seakan-akan tak boleh percaya perjalanan kami berhenti sampai di sini sahaja...partcipating in HK rasa seperti satu perjalanan yang sangat jauh...perjalanan yang memakan masa berhari-hari...menuju kejayaan untuk meraih gelaran juara..tetapi terhenti dalam sekelip mata...tanda pertama adalah apabila saya diberitahu oleh junior saya tentang keputusan seorang hakim yang kami kenal, who gave STAR the lost..I couldn't believe it..because the judge gave me the win in 2010 in the semis...and also tanda kedua is when I met Mdm Ju at the stadium...she saw me...I saw her..and she slightly shook her head and looked down...I sense the inevitable...as I waited anxiously in the stadium...perhaps I knew the result already...but I continued to held my hopes high until the last minute...

The result came out...I couldn't say anything...but I was in a rush that time...the slight thought about my physics exam brings chills to my spine and make my stomach turn...so, I have to ignore a little bit the whole atmosphere and start packing...Luckily, Ckg Shahnun was around, and I asked him a favour to distribute the rest of the buah tangan to the teachers...one more task done...I bade farewell to everyone and head home...luckily I wasn't driving, because I asked my friend to replace me behind the wheels...

So, the whole thing ended, in a sad way...but then, an obstacle for me is directly in front of me...saya dah mula rasa tak sedap hati nak ambil test....rasa macam dah prepared...tapi we can never be sure...And so, esoknya...I would say...it is one of the worst test I took for Physics...now I'm really in trouble..nak salahkan pergi HK tak boleh..sebab I did actually study...and even if I did more questions...the question that I can't answer in the test seems to weird and unfathomable..so...until today rasa sangat insecure..saya tak tahu nak cakap macam mana...so, saya cuba kuatkan diri saya untuk redha dan hadapi apa jua consequences yang akan terjadi dalam beberapa bulan nanti..saya mungkin tak dapat university yang saya nak....saya juga bukan lagi yang terbaik...namun..insyaAllah...I have tried my best...to make my life serves its purpose...

Okay...cukup luahan untuk kali ini...until we meet again...salam...

~Knowing you is one of the best things that has ever happened to me...I'll remember it even if you don't...~

Please be Patient

I can't help but expressing a few worries of mine regarding my life right now...

1) AS Exam
2) AS Exam
3) AS Exam
4) Uni Application
5) Uni Application
6) Interfaith dialogue unfinished task
7) Accommodation change unfinished business
8) Debate career

I know its kinda hyperbolic I put repetitions of my tribulations...but I was intending to stress my point here. I'm worried...sick. I really don't know what to think and expect...can I weather any sort of repercussions should I fail or fall under these circumstances. I just hope everything would be alright.

Perhaps I would say it is destined...maybe I should be somewhere else...and I should do something else...I must apologize to the people I have disappointed...nevertheless, it is I who should reckon that my life has a greater purpose..

I must be impartial...I must not waver...no matter how much it hurts...it is to be told to forget...and to be forgotten...how far behind I have been...I know for a fact...I had tried my best...if I have to fight my way out myself...its my responsibility after all...

It once happenned

Alhamdulillah...everything was going rather fine...and my heart can rest a little bit now...but definitely not physically...and I predict that after June or so...my life will be more roomy for relaxing and other relevant activities...maybe susah susah dahulu senang senang kemudian applies here...

Dear Allah, I am so grateful...lately I can hold my ground more firmly, and I came to be more and more appreciative of the things around me...I can accept what I am dealing with now..

Perhaps I had forgotten the things I used to do...which is to always smile...and sometimes even smile more when things get very sad...and perhaps I forgot how important Allah and religion is in life...I used to make a stance back in school...devoting to Allah is not an investment, it is an assured development...


Today, I have the mood of telling a story about a friend of mine. He is, to me, quite weird and unfathomable...perhaps quite determined to a certain extent...he is quite the average type of person in terms of personality...

One fateful day in STAR, it was on Hari Raya Korban...my first raya korban at school...because it was SPM time and all Form 5's need to be stay in school...it was such a beautiful morning...I have the picture to show you that...

And so I was...feeling jovial...cheerful...everyone of us in our baju melayu...FYI I miss wearing baju melayu...I hardly wear them nowadays...we were about to flood the pavements with our colourful attires...and there we walked to Taman Cempaka...such a place indeed...the nearest necessities and entertainment can be found here...as we walked to the mosque...because again I thought it was such a beautiful day...I decided to take a picture of one of the myriad of limestone hills in Ipoh where behind it was the sun rising...Guess who decided to interframe...haha...our KU...Azri...

Yeah...as I walked pass through TC...I might have thought about going to the cybercafe after the Raya Korban prayers...haha...DOTA of course...and then we reached the mosque...and for this time, I decided to sit inside the air-conditioned section of the mosque (which I normally dont do during Friday prayers...because its too cold for me...grrrrr...). And my friend whom I mentioned earlier sat beside me...and basically finished the prayers together...

So, the story started...we walked downstairs to get our slippers...and...unfortunately...my friend lost his slipper...and that means no means to get back to school (barefoot? NO WAY!!)...and so I said... I'll buy him one quickly at Taman Cempaka and return to the mosque...to do that...it may take a bit of a long time...so...I decided to "hasten" my steps if I would call it...as I reached TC, bought the slipper...and the next thing I did was take a cab back to the mosque...haha...no person in the right mind would actually do that because it is barely worth it....not even 1 km away...and when I came to the mosque...I can't see him anywhere..and this taxi person might be scratching his head trying to figure out what was I trying to do...of course I told him the situation...so I dismissed the taxi...and waited for a while I guess...hopefully he was just wandering in the mosque...haha...and so I wait...and wait...and waited...and them I eventually came to the conclusion he is nowhere in the vicinity....and so I thought...this person's got to be kidding me...aigoo~~ did I tell him to stay put?...common sense might already dictate he should...I might get a little bit fumed by then...haha...ya laaa...why not?..I was missing my chance to chartered a PC at Fantasy (a cybercafe that is)....and I might not get a PC for like a whole single day...and in particular...a chance to go outing like this does NOT come often for a boarding school-er like me...more depressing for a DOTA addict like me...

So I trudged back to TC...carrying this newspaper-wrapped slipper in a purple plastic bag... wondering why this happened...wondering what reasons can he give me later...of course...I would expect an apology from him for leaving...I was heading back to Fantasy...hoping for a miracle that there would be someone kind enough to save me a a spot...or just a short queue before there's a vacant PC...I can't remember though how I got it...but indeed I got a PC...yeah...=D and the day was saved...

Its time to head back to dorm...its almost Asar already...(count how many hours I spent in CC)...and I reached the dorm..there he is...I wouldn't wanna say anything...because I thought he should be the one who should say something first...just gauging if he is conscious enough to know about what's wrong today... and...somehow...nothing...not a word....

And that is how it goes throughout the day...I just kept quiet the whole day thinking about it...my other friends told me actually...a teacher tumpangkan him back to school...so no wonder he can apparate to school back....and they were actually trying to catch up to me and said it was unnecessary for me to buy the slippers anymore...but I guess I was too fast for them...haha...I guess I'm still waiting for the word "sorry" though...or "thanks" maybe...even today....nevermind I guess...thats what friends are for....

Just a random story...

Its just weird...

Aside from me being weird...which I readily acknowledge...this post is just about me complaining about things I see with my eyes which doesn't seem right...


First, lets cap about my life first shall we...okay...so far...boleh laa~~...everything goes as it is...I've done things which I should've done...I think...so...in short...I have finished my AS TRIALS...alhamdulillah...so I'm on holiday...waiting for the results...preparing for Further Maths test which is directly after the holidays....This holiday gives me plenty of time for self reflection and structural reform on my brain...setting my principles straight again...since I think it had been shattered all these while...alhamdulillah despite all these challenges I can survive...when most things are not in my advantage...or even the total opposite...alhamdulillah again...I fend off...slashed my way through...just to be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel..I'm grateful I made it...


And also...I did what I could to get closer to Allah...alhamdulillah...I can say...I see things in a brighter perspective...I live with a clear objective...and regardless what happens...my goal is still the same...and I wonder when I get to UK...if I can survive there...insyaAllah...I plant the seeds of determination and perseverance to serve my Lord and for His religion...


Okay...so what is this weird thing that irritates me...maybe because I was too involved in debate...people's rhetorics and what not seem to spark my desire to question them..like for example...people are complaining about the Malaysian education system...but rarely if not at all did I see any sort of proposal or suggestion...I really don't like when all there is to do is nag nag and nag...all complaining and does nothing to solve the problem....


And also, a response to a particular blog which says "regretting about getting straight As"...well...its okay since it's his opinion...but really?...to me...it's just like saying I regret studying...studying is a life process...people should appreciate those memorizations and hours of efforts...to know things which are indeed meaningful and related to us...instead of filling your heads with socializing and entertainment....

Really...if people think being exam-oriented is bad...you should tell that to Cambridge...or any kind of country or education boards in the world that had endorsed it....lets say indeed there are justifications to say that a "wholesome learning" is better than an exam-oriented atmosphere...should they at least tell us what kind of "wholesome activity" they have in mind and how would they grade students and differentiate them effectively since they say everyone has their own talents...isn't that why we have subject combinations and elective subjects...so you can choose which one suits you best...and lets say we are bothered by the fact that the common perception that straight A students are geniuses....why is then the education system to be blamed...I would be impressed if someone got 21 As...and of course I would say he or she is brilliant..but of course...excellence is subjective...any rational person would know that...but if that is the yardstick people are using now...so be it...sail our own path and always trust yourself you are always brilliant no matter how the world perceives you...


I just noticed the fact that when people voice out their opinions...they are sometimes just being emotional and frustrated about facts and realities of life and somehow they tried to change they way things are just to suit them....to me its understandable...life is difficult..and of course...we all make mistakes...we all tend to favour something for personal reasons...may us all be granted by Allah His Hidayah....

I'm tired...there are a lot more weird things out there...which to me doesn't make any sense at all...and its actually human behaviours...again...until then...goodnight...there's a bunch of grammar mistakes there...im too lazy to check...

Don't Give Up

I'll die trying...everything that happens around me does not change anything...I will continue to fight and strive for Allah S.W.T and His Messenger, Prophet Muhammad S.A.W...I will try my best...I'll mark my own words...to the bitter ends...

Please

Dear friend,

Please can we not mention about it for once everytime when we meet...

Our conversations can go way beyond this...

I wish things were back to normal again...

Don't you?

Tip of the iceberg

Lately, a lot of things have happened, but all of them are relatively academic based I think. I don't think once ever in my life, I would really really have to worry about my studies and as in really worry. Usually, I would be satisfied to some extent getting the results as it is. However now, anything less than perfect seems so degrading as though I had fallen from grace when in truth, I might be better than I actually were.


My mood today is... I can't face myself. It is very hard to be content nowadays. I kept thinking that if I once let my guard down, I'll never get back up again. I've been in constant paranoia that everyone is potentially a competitor. Every aspect of life is about competing and not to achieve the state of "as long you tried your best and that's what counts". I felt like, when was the last time I do something not for the sake of competing?


Even if my life is revolving around the idea of competing, I at least enjoy the process of it if I know that I have nothing to lose. And perhaps it would be more comforting to have people accompanying you along the way. Such a make or break situation really put me in distress, just thinking about the consequences of failing.


Dear Allah, please grant me strength and protection from all that is bad. Just as of now, I feel like I was at the boiling point. I had tests recently, and some incidences that really bothered me in a way that put me in a dilemma about my principles and also incidences that really pains my heart and requires my utmost patience.


The tests was okay, really and I mean it. The result so far were good. It wasn't deteriorating. Still I was hoping my yardstick of good does not only hinge upon the fact it isn't deteriorating. I could also say it was good in a sense that it really achieve above the passing mark. It wasn't 100% as I expected it to be, but perhaps it has some hikmah to it. Alhamdulillah for it. Later however, another test. And I would say I wasn't satisfied when I finished doing it. But actually, my point here is that, despite all this, I am feeling buckled down by the pressure. I feel like I can't continue working so hard everyday like this. Perhaps there is a way that I can maintain some level of moderation in what I do. Staying up late a t night, constantly worrying about studies. I feel like I need to resolve it.


One incidence on Friday, I was donating to a boy at the mosque. Before I elaborate any further, my purpose of telling this is I hope to get your opinion of it. I walked to get my slippers, I think the same boy came and asked me again if I had more money, so I gave him again. And as I walked even further to leave the mosque, the same boy, following me, stating the problems he faced. Then I started to become frankly uneasy. I started to look at him. His cup which had money in it was empty maybe because he put it inside his pocket. But why would he do that I wonder? And I started to gauge whether he was lying and all those kind of stuff. But of course I can never really knew he was lying. I was really at a dilemma. Should I give more? So, maybe perhaps I thought, maybe for the last time, he even said it himself it would be the last, I decided to brush off my suspicion and gave him more and I walked off. I walked further and he still follows me and asked me if I can give more. And he even looked inside my wallet and said, there's money and asked to give it to him. I was beginning to think, it was impolite of him to simply just, you know asked boldly he wants the money. Of course if I were him, I would be as desperate, because I am in hardship. Simultaneously also I was thinking what was I becoming despite all of these thoughts. Was I being insincere? He even said he will pray for me that I'll be a rich person one day. And even perhaps to a certain extent, it might have influenced me also to think twice of not giving? MashaAllah,Nauzubillah, Ya Allah. What should I do? So, I just told him and to myself "No, that is final, I need to use the money too". And he kept following me out of the mosque for a few minutes, and perhaps people would be looking at me and wondering all sorts of things. I was really blur at that moment, and I reiterated no to the poor boy. He was talking as if he was bargaining with me. He said it wasn't the last but it wasn't. He asked for X much, but then he reduced the value to Y. I was really perplexed not knowing how to react. And perhaps my college friends who knew me also saw me walking with a poor boy next to me.One thing that really bothers me is what people are thinking about me behind my back. I really don't want them to have a bad impression of me. But if it was a correct but a bad impression of me, perhaps it is punishment for me from not having a sincere intention.And alas, after a few metres away from the mosque he stopped. He shook my hand and kissed it and left. I was left speechless and dumbfounded. I was reflected again the few minutes that just passed and I tried to evaluate the whole incident. I spaced out for a while, and I barely responded to my friends who greeted me outside the mosque. Even, until now I was afraid of really knowing what really happened. And I started to think what if I meet him again at the mosque next week. What should I do? I'm lost as of now. So please, tell me what should I do if you were me alright?

Another incident which pains my heart and ears is actually when I feel discriminated. The people that claimed that they have been discriminated are perhaps blaming people of my race of being unfair and discriminating. Actually, I don't know who is right or wrong but, it just pains me when they vent it out on me as if I was the one causing it. I just hope we one day will live in peace where we don't have to talk to think about this anymore...


Ya Allah, hanya Engkau tempat aku mengadu. But sometimes at times like this, I think of STAR. I just don't know how to put it, you might not have any idea how significant and important this place is to me. It is quite a special place to me in a lot of ways. Perhaps I get closer to Allah and know more about religion here. I have friends and teachers to guide me about religion. I have people who I can let out and talk almost about anything without feeling uncomfortable. Socially, sometimes still as I said in my previous post that, it was some sort of an inherit problem, I can be down and disappointed with them sometimes. But all I can remember now is how happy I was back then. I still cannot let go the people I met there. Even at this point, I was somewhat sad when they didn't contact me and all, but I just have to tell myself its fine. I would still be happy for them no matter where they are. Because they really have made my life in STAR meaningful.

Salam.

Thinking Too Much

When I think about life...I was expecting this straight line linear graph with a positive gradient directly proportional to time...


To the very least I hope I was becoming wiser in evaluating situations and becoming a more matured individual.

Its that time again when you want a time machine. But this time I was just thinking, if my younger version of me would be here with me in the present...what he would think of me now?...Am I living up to his expectation?..Did I disappointed him?

Next, if I were to be in the past...what I would I think of my younger me?...Feeling proud and accomplished?..Or have a good laugh at myself about how foolish I was to have mistaken something and took things for granted?...

Nevertheless, this discussion have much to do with my current progress in A-Levels...I just would like to analyze my present self for a while. The way I feel it...I am becoming more distracted nowadays...with things that were never a problem back in the old days...or is it just me overreacting towards a problem which could be a tiny one if compared to the olden days.

Not only that...I might also haven't give enough credit to myself...Allah has granted me such a great and destined opportunity..should I be happier now? I definitely should be grateful and all praises to Him...But why am I having this impression that I am letting myself and everybody down?...

In the midst of this confusion and denial...lets delve into the softer part of being human which is social life. A problem which was never quite resolved at any given time. I somewhat have this realization that my reflection of my past in high school was rather biased. This in the sense that I would constantly say how great was the yesteryears compared to now. Actually, they were almost the same.

Yes, I did enjoy my life in STAR. But there were also times I wish I can leave sooner and stuffs like that. And this persists even to the very last moments of Graduation Day. I realized that I was not the person I think I was when I reflected myself. In fact, I am still the person I always were....estranged, side-lined, boring and insignificant...So technically, by now I should be getting used to this right? Why should I expect anything more?

Again, amidst this quagmire...I am always amazed at the things that passed...regardless of bitter or sweet the memories were...they really kept me going..I'm going tell something...but maybe later...got test...huhu..salam...

People

People...they're so many of them...

What if I said I learned to live without them...

That would be a lie...

I definitely don't want to...I decided...

or so have I came to realize...


What if they said they can live off without me...

That can be true...

I'll just accept the way things are...

Eventhough I can't bear myself to hear it...

Be grateful for everything

*For better understanding, I would like to speak in Malay*

Lama tak dengar ayat tu...sejak STAR lagi la...kalau nak buat announcement selalunya akan sebut ayat ni kat atas pentas...Untuk post kali ini, saya nak berbahasa Melayu/Malaysia...sebab tiba-tiba rasa lebih selesa kalau dapat ekspresikan diri dengan lebih jelas...Kalau dalam BI tak berapa nak jelas...ayat pun tak berapa nak betul kalau post2 yang lepas...Oleh itu, saya akan dengan rasminya menggunakan dwibahasa...haha...sekali sekala BM...sekali sekala BI...


Ok...hari ini sedikit emo...tajuk diatas merupakan "motto hidup" saya...kerana sudah beberapa kali saya menulis atau menyatakan ayat tersebut andai ditanya mengenai motto hidup...Allah Maha Esa mungkin telah menguji sejauh mana saya benar2 menghayati perkataan yang saya ungkapkan tadi...MasyaAllah...berdasarkan segala reaksi saya terhadap semua ujianNya...mungkin saya sering terlupa untuk bersyukur...kerana saya terlalu mudah patah semangat dan bersedih mengenangkan nasib saya...


Hari ini, saya sekali lagi...remind diri saya supaya sentiasa bersyukur...walaupun kadang2 rasa sangat kecewa...bosan, sedih serta takut...tentang perkembangan semasa yang selalunya revolve around duniawi semata-mata...contohnya akademik,friends, koko, cita2 dan sebagainya...


Terlalu banyak perisitwa yang banyak memberi saya pengajaran dan membuat konklusi agar sering memohon kepada Allah agar diberi solution dan penyelesaian serta perleraian...


Today maybe I would like to share some instances with you...Nak buat jalan cerita monolog sikit..


*Akademik*


Sekali lagi...aku bangun pukul 7 lebih di unit MyPlace...selepas tidur lepas subuh...terkenang balik kalau dulu kt sekolah selalu gak tidur lepas subuh...tp berapa minit je la pun...6.40 dah kena siap2 nak gi sekolah..kalau kt sini at least boleh la tidur balik sampai 7.30...haha...Dah habis perhimpunan dh pun kalau kt sekolah....Tp bila bangun 7.30 pun rase liat yg amat sangat...Mcm x de effect la pulak tido pn...So mula la merungut...ala napa la kelas pukul 8.00...padahal dh kira ok la tu pkl 8...bukan 7.00 pg dh kena ada kt blok akademik!!...Ok...tunggu roommate dah habis mandi pastu baru boleh masuk bilik air...

Suasana pun mmg rase pelik sikit la...matahari dh terang baru nak pergi kelas...rase lain la...dan tak berapa fresh...rasa ketinggalan pn ada...so...ada la buat conclusion...ada hikmahnya pagi2 dh keluar pergi kelas...tp selalu tunggu roommate skali pergi kolej pkl 8...so tape la...rasa x sedap hati kalau pergi camtu je...sebab dh terbiasa mcm tu tiap2 hari...

Environment kt sini mmg lain la dr kt sekolah...terlalu asing...duduk kt tengah2 kesibukan...cross jalan la...asap kenderaan...orang pun...memang lain dari sekolah...macam2 jenis orang...tak tahan pun ada kadang2...tp inilah hakikat dunia...

Sampai ke kelas...kelas air-cond...hurm...aku mmg x berapa suka air-cond...suka environment biasa je...but nevermind...pakai jaket evrytime pergi kelas...

Bila masuk bab belajar...memang kena serius...walaupun tak nampak serius...tapi hakikatnya kena serius...dulu kt sekolah ingat masuk u belajar relax2 je...suasana pun nampak mcm selesa dan tak stressful...tp dgn workload yang memerlukan effort yg tinggi...suasana best mcm mana pun akan stress jugak...bertambah tense lg kalau semua kt situ jenis yang memang pandai2...sesungguhnya mmg rasa amat mencabar kt sini...and berdasarkan perkembangan semasa..not very good...

So balik pukul 4 atau 3...pastu maybe tidur...tp lately tak kot...kt sekolah balik amik kuih minum petang and tidur kt dorm...kt sini nampaknye x sesuai budaya mcm tu lg...tidur petang pn mmg tak elok...tp dah terbiasa sbb penat dr kelas...so skarang petang selalu ada benda/aktiviti...(debate/chess/homework)...

Maghrib pun menjelma...kadang2...petang2 tu mula la rasa macam2...sedih...gelisah...mmg naturally rasanya...selalunya bila petang nk dekat maghrib..I always reflect many things in life...so teringat balik kalau dulu selalu makan malam awal and pergi tunggu maghrib kt surau...pastu zikir or baca Al-Quran...kt sini...Ya Allah...kt sini tak ada surau...mmg tiap2 hari kena solat sendirian...baca Al-Quran pn kurang...part ni is the part I miss the most I hope...

Selepas solat maghrib...aku dn roommate pergi makan malam...and then balik and...sambung buat kerja...and well...thats most of it everyday...

Ya Allah...mungkinkah diri ini bersikap tidak bersyukur?...So, I have to say...walaupun hidupku skarang memang bukan macam dulu...tp sekurang-kurangnya...Alhamdulillah...aku masih mampu meneruskan hidup macam biasa tanpa masalah yang besar...mungkin ada perkara yang belum aku sedar tentang apa yang ada di depan mataku ini?...apa2 pun aku hanya berdoa pada Allah agar hidup...walau macam mana pun...mesti hanya kerana Allah....it should not change with time...

Agar tersilap dan salah...mohon maaf...salam...

Nobody is perfect

Okay..I like to talk about why and when people use this sentence or phrase...This statement is self explanatory...no one is mr. perfect or flawless...

Have you ever get strucked with the feeling of resentment or disappointment when you can't do something?...or yet feeling angry with yourself when someone else come into the picture and outdo you in the things you gave your life to?...

Imagine if you are really good at something and you spent all your life at it...people applaud and praise you for it...you are practically known for the one thing you're good at..it's your signature trademark or your speciality...

AND SUDDENLY...someone else seemed to take all that away...and your efforts to fight back proved futile...

OR how about...when you started to be defensive if you have done some faults...when you started shouting at people telling them that you're not perfect and they're no good either....

I've faced these situations...firstly...about having mr. perfect bursting your bubble...yes...I have encountered some people I feel very inferior to...I feel like I want to be better than him or her in any way possible...My take would be...is to be yourself...

Being myself...is to live within my means...to only accept good things as a part of myself...if this kind of enviness will ruin us in the sense of making us feel more stressed out and frustrated..I think its best to let go...judge yourself with your own merit...only you have the value that no one else has...you are special in your own way..

Let me take an example of a urban student and a rural student...If the urban student can score better...is it justified to say that the urban student is more clever?...this might not be a fair comparison....everyone has their own limitations and the opportunities that they are exposed to...in which case it is impossible to compare anyone with anybody...because all of us have different background...Thus, living as yourself...perhaps you appreciate yourself as you...and not anybody else...

Telling people or reminding yourself that you are not perfect sometimes backfire...so what people are not perfect...we still must work towards perfection...of course...we must not take this overboard because...yes...we will make mistakes...and we should not pressure ourselves...but still...never let yourself slump into the comfort zone where you can always scapegoat everything to the statement of nobody's perfect...try to admit your faults...and try harder next time...

That is all the chit-chat from me...I hope you benefitted from this...and I hope all us be guided by Allah towards truth and success...forgive me for misconceptions...salam...

The drama of life

My parents always quote that my life is similar to a drama...is it because of the things that happened in my life?...but I guess everyone has their own drama right...

But yes,...if I were to reminisce and contemplate the things that happenned in my 19 years in this world...there were too many things that passed...even sometimes...the important ones...I seemed to forget...and I was washed away and drifted in the current of today's modern contemporary world...

There are so many things that were so memorable and once-in-a-lifetime experiences...that I could never repeat nor replace...

I reflected the times I used to aimed so high to be a state chess player...and Alhamdulillah...I went through the process...I was hanging by a thread and at the edge of the cliff from failing to achieve my dreams...I was ranked number 4...the last place to qualify...The nerve-wrecking, the-moment-of-truth moments...the clear distinction between success and failure...so close..yet so far...Of course nowadays...I have never once reached the first board of a tournament...I miss those moments...

Not to forget 2010's PPM...

All of these memories further reminds me how much I missed the teachers in STAR for their sacrifices...their guidances and helpfulness really carried me through...I wish I can see them more often...

Alhamdulillah again for these good times...although I might seemed to feel that I lost my touch...I am no longer the person that can achieve so much...I feel like my time has passed...I have become a failure...Maybe all of these feelings of mine is truth to all of these current developments...But also, maybe Allah had something better for me...or something that He planned for me...I am but to willingly submit to Him in any situation He wishes me be in. Everything good is from Allah...there is nothing to me...Everything that happens must be in His will and only to Him I seek help...

If I were to never return or go further...my plight shall go to Him...and the future forever rest in His hands...

Sometimes

Bismillah...Salam everyone....I just felt like updating myself here now...its 1 am...and it is somewhat common for me nowadays to stay up like this...I used to sleep early...not anymore I guess...this might be due to my expanding schedule and increasing commitment that streched my energy limits...I felt like I can sacrifice a little bit and perhaps get used to it...

So you might be asking why all of sudden I am developing this surprising habit...I decided to make things more "physical" in a sense that I need work or do something at least a little bit more than I used to...In which case I already dedicated myself to a whole bunch of debate scenes and chess tournaments...academics are not spared as I vowed to finish every single one of my homework before the next lesson...as if that was some kind of a new idea which I'm pretty sure everyone would have done that kind of thing already...

So progress have been okay...I am more focused now in what I need to do in life and the goals that need to be achieved...I just pray that I will go about smoothly without a hitch...

This is what the next two weeks might look like...

1) Chess competition in Kompleks Wilayah, KL ( Sunday 29 Jan )

2) First tutor session with Ms. Wong's son ( Tuesday )

3) HSDO Open in IMU (Friday)

So, I'm pretty much anxious about going through all this...I hope that everything goes well...


Now, what does the title tell about "Sometimes"?...I like this word...most songs I like also has these words in it...and it also has a special place to me...I just like to say that...sometimes...in the midst of all these hecticness...I remembered and been continuously reminded about some memories of the past from time to time...I think that I can forget about it for a while...but sometimes they'll come around...make me smile or feel down....and I am wondering how I can make the present and future just as memorable...but why do I find it hard to do so?...I wonder...


And I feel like letting it out...telling to someone that knows...how does it feel to be "here"...I could have told many things that seemed so magical and very sentimental...but I think I am the only one who would understand...so I ended up living in my own world...

And I'm quite fine with it...its just that sometimes I get lonely too...