Hating people

I just feeling like doing a self reflecting post at the moment...for us to be a better person in future insyaAllah...

The topic I like to post today is about having a negative feeling for a human being...

So...lets start by having multiple examples to have a clear picture as to why people give way to hating...as there is a saying...I don't know where I got this from...

"everyone in this world wants to love and to be loved"...

just something to think about...a realist might see this is hogwash...

Anyways...have you ever hated someone?...really?...lets try to be honest...to the very least...have you ever feel like avoiding someone because you don't like him or her that much...I know I do have my own share of circumstances...

Example 1

A: I really hate that guy...he is so arrogant...why can't he keep it to himself...did I ask him about great he is...NO!!!

And as such if you ever came across such situation....lets say you're person A...you've know someone that keeps telling you things that might not be the MOST RELEVANT info...or always seem to bug you how much you feel inferior to that person...

REASONING

I think the main reason is that...we feel INFERIOR or JEALOUS to that someone...and we unfairly judge him for being ARROGANT...think about it....have you been outstanding in something and people start calling you names?...or you feel like sharing with everyone some experience or knowledge that you might think is beneficial...but somehow the way you say it make people label you as BOASTFUL?...I think it is just not fair for everyone in this sense...

Example 2

A: Gosh she's RUDE...do you see what she did just now!?....she knocked down me down and didn't even apologize...

REASONING

Maybe that person is in a rush...she is such in a hurry that she didn't even have time to apologize...or something is bothering her mind...worse, she probably needs to go to the washroom...BAD...basically...we don't know...as they say..."don't judge a book by its cover"...so don't jump into the conclusion that she is a bad person...

Example 3

A: She's a liar...period...she never delivers...

B: Liars...Hate 'em...

REASONING

THIS becomes more challenging...who likes being lied to?...who does rite?...typically DUH!!!...but that does not reserve you the right to hate the person...unnecessarily...have you ever tried to think why he or she lied?...although this has a VERY LARGE & DIRECT moral implication...what will you get by hating the person anyway...we should sympathize as to why this person chooses to be perceived as injustice people and rely on people's trust for their survival...surely...liars will not feel content about their life...what makes them choose to do so?...

Example 4

A: She said she loves me...now she's with that guy...ArGHHH!!!

REASONING

tsk tsk...tut tut...pity pity...I guess you'll just have to move on dude...when we talk about love...when someone refuses...then there is just a vacuum in a relationship...doesn't mean also you should fill it with vengeance...just wish them the best in life...

Example 5 (last one)

A: Hey...lets go hangout...I'll ask C to tag along...

B: err...do you have to?...can't we just not call him...

A: Why?..I thought we're friends...

B: I know...still...I prefer if he's not with us...

*Later with C...*

C: I heard you guys went out yesterday.

B: Yup...(without guilt and smiled)

A: *Looks away*

C: *Looks at both A & B...expecting at least a sorry*

Okay then...(walks off)

REASONING

C might feel resentful and unhappy...and perhaps develop a sense of uneasiness...perhaps a low level of hatred...B on the other hand established a stance and making it clear on disliking C...A chooses to abstain (but most likely siding B)...so...it started off with B's problem to accept C in its social circle...also similarly to Example 4...I would introduce this theory..."natural selection"...we always want the best person to be with us...but then...natural selection will cause competition...and as competition goes...one will lose and the other will succeed...at least by this understanding of concept...we will find lesser reason to hate when losing in a "competition".

Another possibility...hating a person for what they are...is not good to begin with...its like saying

"the world is better off without you"..

Well...we're not the party to judge that...I think for B...B should be more objective in friendship...its hard if not impossible...friendship or love is subjective rite?...but still...as human beings...we must be kind and caring to all people...regardless of how they look...etc....cliche...I know...no one's perfect...but doesn't mean we shouldn't work towards it...

CONCLUSION

I can conclude here that....most of the reason why we hate a person is because we have the WRONG ASSUMPTION/IMPRESSION about a person...Apparently, we would have the wrong approach in evaluating and defining a person...MOST IMPORTANTLY..it is best to assume that ALL PEOPLE ARE GOOD...it doesn't have to be true...because ultimately...what we want is to create a loving and caring society that wishes the best for everyone life and afterlife....

Another reason why we must keep hating a person at minimum is because...we are actually hating the person's actions or behaviour....NOT THE PERSON ITSELF...if the person turns a new leaf...what is left to hate about?...because that's all we hoped for anyway ; people to change.

Hopefully...we will be given the light to see truth...

Salam...wallahualam...sorry for any misconception...

A year full of concessions

Conceding...it maybe a sign of weakness...but...at one point...yes...I am weak...there are many things which I am capable of...but there are more which I am not...on the flip side...conceding means accepting or realizing there are better things to achieve and moving on basically...

It seems 2011 had already reach its end...to reminisce the events for this year...it seems unbelievable that a year had just flew by...just like THAT...I would say...again as most years do...this is one of the most turbulent years EVER...these comments are seasonal I know...but at least the explanation underlying the comment might pique your curiosity....

Let me just highlight a little bit of introduction about what I think 2011 had been for me...it started off sombre...and enlightening as we proceed...witnessing a volatile fluctuation in the middle of the year..the later half of the year...the graph went through a downward trend...and with some efforts and measures...it rebounds towards the end of the year...by how much we will have to wait until next year...

Set aside the enthusiastic way of elaborating things...basically...why it was a challenging year is because...it was full of uncertainties...

Suddenly...I don't have the mood to do a summary for the year...maybe too soon for that...until then...enjoy Carpenters...it says all that needs to said from me...

Another step on the stepping stones

Alhamdulillah...looks like it has been 1 semester already...i.e... 2 weeks more before holiday...muahaha...but before that....I need to really ace an exam...this exam is particularly crucial to determine which university in UK will I go in two years time...so...yeah...scared actually...and I'm not so confident at the moment...especially for further maths....there's always questions popping out as though I've never seen or learn anything pertaining to it...hopefully if I do enough exercises...things would average out...

Truth be told...I'm not aiming too high...I just would like to please everyone...the sponsor...my parents...and at last...I could sit down for a while and think what I want to really do in life after I am certain where exactly I'm heading now after a nod from SC about my soon-to-be enrolled university...

This is because I feel like I am at a disadvantage...taking subjects which I knew...wasn't at all my best bet...I tried to look at the bright side...at least I'm learning subjects which are my weaknesses...so that's pretty much patched up...but I maybe sacrificing a little bit of opportunity to reach my full potential...

So..that's for academics...it seems like its SPM again...for the fivers for this year I mean...so...its been a year already....how time flies...I really feel like it was just yesterday I took SPM...mysteries of life I guess...so...this also mark another transition moment in my life...as I entered a phase...in which its no longer about adapting anymore...its about...living with what you have already established...

I'm forecasting a calmer season next year...a little bit of surprises...but definitely less stressful...but at the turning point...I will be extremely nervous about my forecast results...I really hope for a good one...I really don't want to disappoint anybody....

Friends here are same like anywhere...even STAR...at random distribution kind of way...it means generally...people are well..people...they are different...so...basically its the same everywhere...but still I treasure until today...the days...the times I had with STARians...I accept the fact we can never return the way we were...or even be on the same page...I realize I can never treat them like before...because we're different now...but I still believe deep down...we are always what we once were...I still view us as the same old person...never changing...

So...wish me luck and pray for my success...salam... =D

Praying Everyhting Would Be Fine

Again...I might be complaining about my life....dear Allah...forgive all my sins...I would prefer using the term contemplating or making reflections to improve myself....

Lately...still...I still feel so difficult to continue with life...why do I now like to make so much comparison...like for instance...now and before....me and others...which again brought me to the question...why am I thinking about all these things now...not back then...did I used to complain now compared to back then?...I don't really know...I can't remember...but I know Allah knows...

SO...lets try to assume I didn't...is this a good sign?...does it mean I had a better life before?....what is the difference between then and now?...was I doing so well back then?....

Now, lets analyze the reasoning I synthesized...maybe...in reality...and the REAL WORLD to be exact...we face the real thing in which everything is above us...people tend to challenge our ways and force us to change....meeting people who are always one step ahead of us....making us feel no role to play in this world...

So basically...now I realize how small and pathetic I am...but I must take this positively...in the sense that I should be grateful...to be enjoying life...more than the unfortunate ones that even myself would have conceded not to be able to bear the same burden or I would call test by Allah...

Today also...many things which almost happenned didn't happen...I mean the bad ones...like...I was driving to KDU...I didn't know where exactly I was going...but in the end I reached there safely...and there were a lot of instances I almost met with an accident...at the same time, there was also a time I was walking down the staircase and almost fell...but I didn't...Alhamdulillah for today...

But still...I feel so inferior to be honest...with certain people...I realized that this might not be the best way to feel...but is this a sign that I'm left behind in this very competitive world?...in studies...debate...chess...anything at all?...

In another aspect...I think I'm more reserved now than before...I choose to isolate myself...initially that was what I want...now that I got what I want...then I feel bad at times...typical flip flops...


I'm still wondering...and continue to...waiting for something...

I feel like seeing you...and I tried to think of a reason to say to you...I just can't spell it out...and I wonder what can we talk about when we meet...I don't know...sorry...

My life is a continuous stream with 1 end

I recently just realized...that my life is full of blessings...dear Allah I beg for forgiveness for not being grateful...

The title explains how I have to repeat a moment in life where I have to search for an identity...truthfully...I feel slightly hopeless..and lost for directions...when I am exposed to so many roads and paths to choose from...and I am tempted to choose and try different ways to live life...

Indeed,...if I choose the wrong path...I might end up living a wrong life...so now I decided not to listen to the voices which tell me to change...when sometimes we might change for the worse...

I still not fully recovered from the "leaving-school" syndrome...I really just can't...it's really different now...the greatest challenge back then compared to now is that...only now I had to learn to live on my own...

I still remember the moment last year when I asked my friend...if I can survive the outside world...it seems the answer would be an optimistic yes...but easier said then done...

I also decided to think my life as 1 road instead of different roads to choose from...because in the end...I know where I want to go already from the start...I know what needs to be done...the road now is entering a dark tunnel...but I know its the right path for me...even when I'm alone in this road...

Study has been on the bright side Alhamdulillah...its not the best result compared to the others...but still...I am grateful just as long I can continue my scholarship and get a job...

Salam...

What?...

Its an expression per se...I'm just confused...and worried at the same time..


What do I do now?...

Straight-forward

There is a huge and revolutionary meaning to this word for me in my own context...I learned to be more "straight forward"...is yet to be defined...

I like to make myself more clear at times...I know I can be a little bit ambiguous and dubious...so I just like to say things more straight forward...so my message would be clear enough for people to understand...

Alhamdulillah...now...I would ask help if I needed it...I would admit that I am wrong even when I am probably not...so...I just have to do what I have to do and get it done...even it hurts me the most...

Specifically speaking...I am having trouble with my studies...and I tend to have...you can call it ego I guess...I just want to live on my own without interacting with other people...I guess now I realized it didn't work...I may not be the nicest or the friendliest person amongst some people...maybe some things caused me to act in such a way...again...Alhamdulillah...at least now...I can discard away my self-pride if you would call it...and I am always the person who most people won't turn to for help and look up to...and just be a person with nothing much to offer in this world...at least in this way...I felt better in a way...

Social life and co-curricular...hurm...I had engaged with people more...but at the same time...I wasn't hoping for the best response...but that is the best part of it I guess...co-curricular had been massive...I was actively involved perhaps...but the great thing about the whole thing is that I was willing to make some significant sacrifices...like not getting enough sleep...less studying time...friends...and etc...

I just would like to say...I might have moved on to a certain extent...yet of course...I miss my days in school a lot...the beautiful thing about all these hardwork is that...I don't have time to think about these things...forgo the things I treasured...really hurts...the pain I went through...I may need it for the present...but in the end...all these would pay off...and the things I sacrifice would return...insyaAllah...I am positive about the whole thing...and I am just going for it...

We'll meet again someday my school friends...lets settle everything first...even if we forget each other...I know we would want the best for each other...

At least I know where I wanted to be...

At least I know there is a special place...where it was once dim and grim...seemed so bright and glimmering now...when I am no longer there...

And finally now, its time to find a place to settle down...my new place is as dark and lonely...problems never seem to quite cease...which reminds me of what I had experienced earlier...

A part of me still remain in the shadows of the past...I have to say...will there be a bright future for me when I can less worry again?...

maybe life is going to repeat itself...there just might be something that won't change...perhaps I don't have to force myself to...I'll just see everything positively...when everything will have a place in my heart...and it is one life altogether without having to see everything so differently...

There is a place I wanted to go...maybe I am there already...and maybe there are other places waiting for me...and of course...there is a place where I really like to return to...

I'm sorry...its hard for me to enjoy the present...but I knew I should...

Regardless

Even how many times I heard about you,
You always seemed unmoved,
No matter what comes your way,
regardless,

what is there in a name they say,
what is there in me I say,
no matter what people say to or about me,
regardless,

when things are happening all around,
you would always act as if nothing happens,
life is that simple for you,
regardless,

I feel disappointed at some point,
is it all right for me to feel this way,
when things are not what I hoped for,

At the same time,
maybe it is better for me to be this way,
I will never know how I could carry on,
But I will take my chances,
As much as I am forced to,

The truth is,
I just don't know,
I'm confused,
what is what,
which is which,
should or should not,

So regardless,
your strong in a way,
resisting change,
sometimes your indifferent,
because you care less about others,
regardless,

I see myself in you sometimes,
but sometimes I really wanted to run away from you,
but then again,regardless

Lately, after some turn of events,
I felt crestfallen,
and you came along,

Fight along with me,
and hopefully you'll stay with me long enough,
regardless...

Instilling the Right Values

The title speaks for itself...we had progressed more than half way through Ramadhan...in fact...we just passed Nuzul Quran...

Lately, I have been exposed to some questions...about religion, faith, worldly and hereafter issues...some if not most I cannot answer or make a definite conclusion...and even at times...I feel very scared and afraid...to make the most accurate and correct judgement in a particular context...pertaining to my own faith and religion...the principles that I had embedded within for almost 18 years...

This is obviously because of the oblivious me...I don't have much knowledge to offer...which should be much sought after...May Allah Have Mercy On Me for all my sins...for my inability to uphold my responsibility...

In conclusion...I am just making a self reflection and contemplation to remind myself about Allah...how much I have to improve myself to become a better Muslim...a little bit of knowledge I had gain these few days...but it is indeed proven to bring a great change to my way of thinking...thank you for those who had given me support,guidance and many other things which are useful...as tools to succeed in life and hereafter...

Part Two

Speaking of which....the title I mean...a few slight updates from me...I decided to think of my transition period of assimilating to the college culture as a trial and tribulation and nothing else...I should be grateful for that too...so...I can less nag now....okay...

1) Rejected for Student Council selection...never mind I thought...maybe I wasn't really cut out for this...so...Allah knows best...

2)Went to several club AGMs...I am still thinking whether I should volunteer myself for Leaders club activities...I am worried that I may get a little bit busy...

3) Malaysian Studies assignments...were nevertheless daunting....I have to interview some high authorities for some scoop of the latest political hot issues...I had interviewed a member of DAP...now from BN...still pending...I have to make a call to him soon...yikes...

4)Raya is it...baju raya theme for this year is...kemeja...yes...i am totally digging into it now...but I'm still not done shopping yet...oh dear...had a couple of iftars lately...also recently or a week ago...me and my STARian friends go for buka puasa at Ayam Penyet...it was nice to relive that atmosphere once more...although not similar as it used to...but the effort and the means brought me to joy nevertheless...

5)This is a bit odd though...STARians is going to visit Taylor's University soon...I am not quite certain of the whole aim of the visit though...but I am requested to be there...so..I am not sure of what to say and how to help them in what way...

That is all from me for now...I am a bit busy resolving some issues...like my bad furhter maths result...salam...peace be upon you...persevere and advance during Ramadhan...

Alhamdulillah...

Alhamdulillah...is perhaps the most appropriate word to describe how I feel...I am grateful as some turn of events had enlighten me quite a bit...

A few days ago...I joined the intercollege debate tournament...I was not expecting at all to break into the quarter finals...even when everyone keep supporting and telling me that everything will turn out well...I was not very optimistic...

I just pray everything would be fine...with quite a shock...we did broke...we thought we had enough already anyway...proceeding to semis is unlikely...and in fact we were right...nevertheless...this experience was similar to some which I had earlier...and it feels rejuvenating to have the positivity kicked in and knocked me in the head again...self-realization and actualization it was...

I might just be getting the "used to the new place already" type of syndrome....to say the least...I was relieved a bit if I were to have the syndrome anyway...of course as people tell me to move on...even when I don't feel like to...I subconsciously did...it freed me and the rest...

However...that still never change the fact how I yearned and longed for the past...I would still be me...and I will try to accommodate everyone as best as I can...

I also noticed by now...some things about people around me...and me as well...There is a similarity about what people think about me back then and now...so..that is pretty much....ok I guess...now also we have this some degree of trust...

But I hope the smooth progress continues...insyaAllah..until then...

Tweaking-alert in Ramadhan

A lot of things need fixing....yes..its me...exactly....

It had been quite challenging as I predicted it was...college is extremely difficult as it should be...and sacrifices must further be made...

Not much sacrifice...but MORE frivolous moments actually...hanging on a cliff here...

Resolutions are made time and time again...I guess things wear out...status-quo degrades...maintenance comes into the picture...

Ramadhan would be a given for this task...and I have to make full use of it...however it is not like before...tarawih had not progress as it should...neither is other activities for that matter...

Astargfirullah...have mercy on me dear Allah...forgive me for all the things I've done and didn't do...I will try my best...

1 Year Already

It has been a year already since PPM Finals...just a walk by memory lane now...haha...enjoy...=)



My awesome 5 year debate buddy...=) we've been through a lot...


Anxiety...XD Nice teaming up with you guys....Thaqif and Sabeh....




It was all like a dream...The best HK memory ever was this one for sure...in SMUJI...=)


HOPING FOR MORE DEBATE-TASTIC DAYS AHEAD...COMING UP...INTERCOLLEGE...WITH NONE OTHER THAN ASHMAN...cherrio...

Once and at a time

A beautiful sight it was...
Enjoying whatever we had...
Even when not all things we had were great...
some were irritating...but not hurtful...
some others are just good to remember...

One grateful evening...
watching people on that majestic field...
I took the time to make a mark on this day...
A day I will remember to this very moment...

I made a promise to my future self...
I will cherish this moment...and I swore to myself I will definitely miss it
Up to a point that I will eventually write it here...

So...after telling myself that...it is the very reason why I remembered it so well until now...
when others don't...
To tell how much I enjoyed...
Almost everything since I've been here...

That evening was nothing but typical...
and the typical ones are the best...
the sun...the trees...the people on the field with their daily routines before they had their last chance of doing so...

I stared above the orange sky...thinking this would be the end soon...
even when its still far down the road for others...
I smiled...

the time will come definitely...so I took an opportunity to preserve the moment...
feeling sad,grateful and happy at the same time...

The sun is setting now...I am heading back...
so is the others...
And that is the end of one typical evening...which I had preserve in my memory...

That is all there is...there isn't anymore...

The Glitch

As much I am upset about losing in the semi finals of the Taylor's Health Month debate...seeing Malaysia lost to Singapore in football is much more grieving...

I guess to me...I might just repeat a few continuous streaks of mistakes and failures...knowing myself...I can be a bit carried away with things...

But...yeah..I less fear failure lately...as consequences of failure have failed to bring me to a point that I shouldn't do anything about it...failure is failure...a total one?...fair enough....so what's going to happen next?...

Well, nothing much I can see from here as far as I am concern...so I am just going to do anything I can the best I can...regardless...

Just trying to self-comfort myself...in a realistic manner....=)

The Passing Moment

My grandfather passed away on the night of 18th July...a number of things I had told myself due to his absence...

I became more aware of the fact of life...and the things and thoughts of dying which had never or seldom crossed my mind..

I cannot imagine how it would feel or be....but I feel like preparing myself...

At least I was able to listen to his last words of wisdom a day before he perished unprecedentedly...

I would no longer see him in my house where he stays while he was sick...but most importantly...I would not see him at all...nor listen to his reminders pertaining to religion...there was a lot of good things which are no more...

but I will have to take this in the best way possible....I will try to be a better person...insyaAllah...

Deja Vu (Inversed)

Alhamdulillah...the thrills, the chills, the spills, and the electrifying jolts of excitement...as my beloved alma mater had won the PPM Finals...

Somehow or rather...I can even smile from ear-to-ear right now if I try to recall the jubilant moment...even though there was one time when I thought that particular moment was nearly impossible if not difficult...to occur to me...

Truth be told I am seemingly proud and happy for my alma mater...in whatever event it is...we will cheer from near and far...as long as the name "STAR" is being carried...

Indeed we want the best for the school...because we grew up there...learning about life...weighing heavily on friendship and togetherness...we love everything about the school...the teachers and the people there who give colours to our life...we are thankful and grateful...and we want the younger generation who shares the same fate as we did before, before we declaring ourselves old boys, to enjoy their time in STAR...as we did...or even better...

By just being here where I am now...from my standpoint no longer as the students...carries much gloominess...reminiscing about what was it like before...and what I had missed all the while back in those times...


It was a totally different scene for me compared to last year in PICC...eventhough people will directly relate it with my last year's encounter...I wouldn't have another breath of explain myself why we lost the finals...Nevertheless...no matter how people judge or interpret it about last year...at least a new set of fresh emotions came into play this year...I bask in their pride in lifting the trophy...yes...the person who failed...cheered on for those who succeeded...there is completely nothing wrong with that in my perspective...regardless of how others look at it...

Leaving PICC with a smile for me was quite unusual and rare....it makes me smile even more, thinking about the odds of it even happening....the first experience ever...thanks to those lads...

To the people I am affiliated with and in debt to...again I apologized...but lets just look into the future and I am sure good things will come InsyaAllah...

So...after the moment we all have been waiting for...shrieking in joy and all those stuffs...its time to hit back to where we were....college....yeah....I met a lot of people in PICC...teachers and friends definitely...old boys and old rivals in the debate clique...It was also an opportunity to catch up with batch mates who came to watch the finals along with me...it was an inspirational and memorable day indeed...thank you...Alhamdulillah...=)

Impression

Alhamdulillah is all I got to say for my first few days in college...and most probably for the next two years as well...it has been great...my fears and nightmares began to wane and fade...at least for now...

Maybe it is because of the nice people I have met along the way...still...I would have a long time to get to know them properly and have a deep connection with them...my room mates were pretty much friendly and really helpful...

Class kicked off okay I guess...the 4 subjects I am taking are Economics,Physics, Maths and Further Maths...of course including Malaysian Studies and an extra subject called thinking skills...the syllabus was tough and it will take time for me to get use to it...

Owh...the amenities here are awesome...cybercafes mushroomed everywhere...not to mention there are multiple hot spots for dining,leisure, and recreation which really caters to college students who are looking for the best college life experience...

I am hoping for the best...indeed there are difficulties and painful memories along the way...but I am trying my best...

Standpoint

Well...maybe at first...I thought how people think about us was of of least importance..but then again...what if it reflects our true self and shows us the face of reality?...

Even so...I guess that is why we need to filter and evaluate people's opinions...it is up to us to determine which response would be correct and what action should be taken to improve status-quo...to make the right choices and decisions, we must firstly equip ourselves with the basic values of between right and wrong...

temptations, temptations...our stance begin to sway...worshiping the meaningless...its not easy...but then what is...

I might irritate and annoy you....because I know I have nothing to lose...I would like you to know why...

I said I know why I am behaving this way...when I actually have no idea while I pretend to know everything...

Am I standing for what is right or am I just standing up for myself and only look after for my best interest?...


Will I let this one go unanswered?...

Its fine I guess if you have your own thoughts about me...I have my own thoughts about you as well...maybe in a different context..

You told me exactly what I should do...I just have to do my part then...

So...I'll just let this one slide...just like the rest...I'll pray the best for you...

Head Stuck in the Clouds

Quit fooling around~~...indeed....my future for pre-university is still ambiguous...I'm not sure where or when would I be going to college...Nevertheless, the comforting part is that it is confirmed that I will be doing A-levels...that is perhaps the only thing I can say to myself right now...Truth be told I'm a bit worried if anything goes wrong in mid way....InsyaAllah...whatever happens...I have to accept and deal with it headstrong...I have to be patient...

The fact that half a year was spent...emm...frivolously without knowing how much time I wasted and squandered...I founded myself with guilty conscience...there is no telling whether I can catch up in this newly found realm...I don't know what to expect...stakes will be at an all time high...trying to compete in a neck to neck environment...pretty nervous actually...

Definitely...if I want to survive and make it out alive at least through this education route....companionship is a prerequisite....I am...and always will miss my high school friends...knowing that they are no longer anywhere around me is very hard to swallow...still...I wonder if I can start anew with ease and fully enjoy myself there...

SO....currently worrying myself about things that might or might not exist....I am reflecting some admission forms for a few colleges...took a peek of what unimaginable atmosphere that I am going to spend my 18 months with...still trying to contact my sponsor, Securities Commission...the official letter is being prepared at the moment apparently...

My grandfather is sick...he got lung cancer at stage 3 already...he might not be able to live long as the doctor said it...he is very much one of my pillars of strength and a person I look up to too...hopefully he will be able to pass through this period without any difficulty and be placed amongst the good ones...get well soon I pray...

Alhamdulillah~Salam~

Being Yourself

My opinion is that there is no such thing...because people change...and hopefully for the better...perhaps a better idea is that being good is what we ought to be...

I know I can't please everyone...and perhaps I didn't need to...but when there is someone I tried to please...I rarely succeeded...

People would say be yourself...and you deserve a pat in the back...but that puts me back to the word 'GO'...

So..change could be good...if it means necessary...its going to be a lot of work...For a good cause...why not?

At the end of the day...all you need to think about is...what do you want in life?...

Mid Year

A lot has happened during 6 months after finishing school....even though sometimes the passing days grew less meaningful...truth be told I DID NOT spent the time allocated wisely...as I always continue to wonder and ponder what should I do next...until the inevitable brink of boredom...Alas, LIFE MUST GO ON...as people always say it...

As much as I wanted to travel back in time honestly...I just can't..I don't know if it is my nature to keep dwelling in the past...but good and bad times altogether were all too meaningful for me...it hurts to know time and time again that I had lost my diary back when I was in Form 2 and Form 3...which then somewhat demotivates me to write since then...so...consequently...nothing to look back at anymore...only those visions and flashbacks if I'm lucky enough...

I would start depicting my after school life by saying how much I whined about having nothing to do...Therefore, I started having all sorts of new ideas...if I'm not mistaken...the first thing that comes through my mind right after I returned home from school was to finish watching Boys over Flowers...so that totally took off...and ended around January....

Nothing left to do then...except for attending driving classes and courses....aside from that...now I learned to go outside and hang out...so that taught me a little bit of independence and freedom...

In February or so...I started to really miss friends...its either I'm going to them...or the other way around...I went to Perlis and PD to meet up and patch things up again...I went for Sport's day too...

In March...the anticipated SPM results was announced...it was quite a memorable experience...however...more and more challenges were coming...it was certainly not what I had bargained for...

April went hectic with interviews and applications for scholarships...I applied for many scholarships...and many turned me down as well...by this time...I might had finished a number of korean and japanese dramas....I also got bored of hanging out and doing same things again and again...but I have learned a lot about life at this point...I knew that things were never going to be the same again...same goes to people too...

With the arrival of May...the newly found life seems already assimilated...but memories with old cliques still remains...but will not be rekindled...a number of significant developments I can list down so far is...

1) I know how to skate...=)
2) Driving license...cyah!! =)
3) Train debate juniors for competition or participating in one...
4) Do a little bit of news update and research for economics
5) Going through multiple of interview sessions
6) Having a scholarship and a full colour award...=)

Alhamdulillah...it turned out well at this point...but life is like a roller coaster or a wheel...there is no guarantee that everything will be alright in the end...

I'm still sad that my juniors lost in PPM...I'm really sorry...I might get angry sometimes...but now..I can't bear seeing you guys suffer...I hope you guys can work your way up without me around...

I spent some time in school training the juniors...I wonder if I get the chance to feel closest as I can ever get to traveling back in time...of course...the reality told me that...somehow...those days are over...even if I try to simulate everything...its not the same...some things do elicit smiles like meeting with teachers that once taught me...many teachers are getting sick lately...meeting them during Teacher's day couldn't be more meaningful...that indicates how time will bring us to a whole new level...whether I like it or not...

So...Azzam...please get a grip...let me just say...its a relief to see all of us had their own ways now...I'm happy for all of of my batch members...

My dear future self....don't be surprised if I said the same things again...:/

Words into Practice

Its about time I put my principles and philosophies into play...if I would advise people to be patient...then I should be of no exception...when my mind tells me to be happy...my heart shouldn't say otherwise...

To fully understand myself and others at the same time is seemingly hard...but I had to made sacrifices...a great blow it is for me to be in this position...perhaps I had to go through a similar road like in the past...but much harsher this time...

I'm aware of that...I know what I'm going through...and I want to see myself in control of the future...learning to be independent and self-encouraging...so I want it to become a reality...now is the time to prove what I had said to myself a lot earlier...

Message Sent

The new faces will take over...as far as I am concerned...they kept me preoccupied...for now at least....One thing is for sure....really proud of you juniors!!!...whatever happens in TKC...we will still enjoy ourselves and accept the results no matter what...=)

Reminder

It doesn't matter how terrible others treat us....because we ourselves need to realize first how bad we treat others as well...Therefore, as for me...I couldn't care less...I should be more focusing on what and how am I doing...its a relief somewhat for me...to be able to remind myself about this...so that I can always think about how to treat others better each and every day...

The Road Where I Cried (Part 2)

Now...this post will be the more less abstract way of explaining things...haha...okay...just to wrap this part up...it started somewhere lately....I've been browsing through some old "documents" and stashed away materials...all of them seemed to depict my life journeys...in school that is...Actually I was searching for some missing certificates for some interviews coming ahead...everyone seems to wonder why that I tend to keep a LOT of stuff (hoarding)...useless stuffs that is...JUNK...but to me...they are like bits and pieces of my memories...shattered...separated...scattered...emancipated from my brain which has limited memory space...I forget easily...REALLY...for those who already knew me...they can't agree more to this statement...

So..as pieces come together...not as perfect as before...at least they gave me the impression and what does it feel like to live the good or bad old days...that took me to this very day...intrigued and somehow fascinated by all the reminiscing...I craved for more lost and unvisited pasts...yes...there were a lot of moments...a lot different from what I have now definitely...just another one of the bittersweet life contemplations...PPM Finals 2010...

It's almost a year since the lost...people might think that I am taking this WAY TOO MUCH...but for me...its not merely about the prize,the trophy,,,etc....surely that is the kind of motivation that people opt for in a competition...but I hoped to do much more than just to take the trophy to Ipoh...I at least wanted to repay my debate teachers for troubling themselves and the sacrifices they had made for me through 5 years of growing up in the debate family...I couldn't do anything else than this...at least before I am officially no longer in the team...

"Pemenang bagi kategori Bahas Bahasa Inggeris Piala Perdana Menteri 2010 jatuh kepada...

the inevitable seems a millisecond away...

"Sekolah.....Sultan Alam Shah!..."

my vision went blur and awry..haha...(what a way to say it!!)...anyway...winners got to win and losers got to lose...that's competition...totally understand that...I didn't hold any grudge towards the three in blue shirts...because they deserve it...plus...personally...they're really nice and great characters off stage too!...

its just sad...when SO MANY people are depending on you...and the only thing you can do for them is let them down...THAT to me was the bitter most part of it...I keep telling myself it was my fault we lost...we have Youtube to verify that...even when people told me its not my fault...it was as though they're trying too hard to hide the truth...the fact that I was primarily to be blamed...

AND so it was...what a day it was for me...full of disappointment and resentment...I sat in the car quietly...doing what sad people do obviously...along the road...seemed such a bare and deserted atmosphere...a scenery where like lost people end up in...what's more...the sun is setting...just to mark the ending of.......not EVERYTHING...but something for me...

It was Maghrib I think...so my dad stopped the car at an R&R to solat...it was beside a lake (was it necessary to mention that?..)...anyway...I flashed back into the few hours that had just passed...This is really happening I thought...I can't remember how much I wanted to say sorry...I can't even look at my the faces of my batch...I failed you guys...it was all too much for me...so..currently...texting...or messaging if you would call it...my parents offered their shoulder to cry on...and dear friends lend their helping hand...

This week is SPM Trial week I thought...how could I possibly cope with this...what chances do I have for an improvement of my result...the thought scares me to the core...but above all of this... I have been receiving many help all this while granted by Allah the Most Generous and Most Merciful...I don't know how I can hold on without these wonderful people in my life...

So that puts me in the position I'm in now...reminding myself what a tough time it was....I was lucky to even have support...but now...things are getting tougher...and I would most likely have less support this time around...the future is always unthinkable just like the 31st July itself..so..to further remind myself of what it was like...I browsed through the message archive in my phone memory...what meaningful inscriptions they were...I read them...with a different mood than when I first read them this time...

" If u need somebody, I'm always there"
"Azzam, don't blame yourself...u did a wonderful job...remember the poem IF..."
"Its ok yaa...now u just have to focus on exam...u've done ur best babe..."
"You will be a fine person..you don't have to change to please others..I would find it difficult to find a replacement for you"
"No one blame u...so...forgive urself"
"Chill...kitorang phm ur feeling...kitorang worse than urs.."

Just some of the messages I list out ranging from teachers and friends...eventhough I don't deserve some of the remarks and comments...but to the very least...they were nevertheless comforting...

So..I am wondering...in the future...if I can ever overcome such things again...it will certainly be even more difficult than before despite several changes that I have to cope now...so thank you ever so much for your time...your troubles would cease when I'm done...

The Road Where I Cried

Being there puts me to silence...I reminisced the times...when it feels the world had turned itself against me...people came to offer their condolences...that is when I noticed you...

Time sure has changed...but I was happy to return to the road...because all that sadness was in the past...now its just memories for me to remind me of you...and everything that life and the world could do to me...it made me keep going...when I realized something that I didn't before...

I didn't know if you knew...but...I decided to move on...what is going to come after this is of much larger scale and more monumental challenges are going to crop up...I'll keep this to myself...

Thank you...I don't know what to say anymore...may Allah lead you to bliss...I know now...the things I did wrong...Alhamdulillah...I'm going to go all the way...

"Ultraman-tsunami" Issue

Despite a devastating and catastrophic disaster...they might still be another "disaster" that awaits...or had subsequently followed...

Aiyaa!!!...what is this all about!?...

Firstly...again...I myself and the rest of the world...feel sorry about had happened in Japan after the earthquake and tsunami...I would like to take this chance to just open up several issues...and perhaps open up some mind and eyes to see something behind all of this....

A picture worth a thousand words as they said it...(giggles and jeers for some)....(somehow)...yeah...perhaps worth a thousand insults...or a thousand apologies....I guess some of us knew about this incident....come on...its in the news...local and worldwide in fact...so let me just list out the main crux of the whole commotion...this is what I heard in the New Media...

Damages *traversed by the cartoon strip *(presumably)

1)Japanese feelings- (Priceless)
2)Our (local) feelings- (Pride)
3)Economic relations- ($$)
4)Diplomatic ties- (Ask the rescuers we sent)
5)World Reputation- (Tourism, investor, etc.)
6)Berita Harian Sales- (Well...to the very least..they have something to worry about themselves)

No.1 & 2
Indeed...obviously...no doubt about that...everyone is affected in this sense...this incident have or may have severed a LOT of relations...

No. 3,4 & 5
Some might argue that since most of our electronic appliances came from the Land of the Rising Sun...definitely this incident could have jeopardize the economy between two countries...some also said that the rescuers and aid that we had sent was not "welcomed"...and some locals over there complained being "shunned" by them....WOAH!!..CNN!!...to that extent...(sigh)

No. 6
Too bad...some might reconsider buying the newspaper...even the daily buyers...

Above all of that...its all from the Internet it is...whether those claims made by various people of different background,view and opinion were TRUE...lets just assume they were...or they are all just assumptions made to vent out frustrations...

I wouldn't be the correct person to judge this situation...but I can only say what I think about it...

1)Freedom of expression
To exercise such a right...would be meaningless...if it hurts the sensitivity of others...in which case...the question now was...was it really considered offensive?...even people can argue such things...from my point of view..yes...it is...because in such a situation..we shouldn't try to be humorous...it is just disrespectful since we are portraying ourselves as selfish people...to many...making jokes out of a disaster which many people died from isn't a laughing matter...I think so too...the most appropriate response to this incident is express condolences...

2)Economic, Social And Political Landscape
When a cartoon strip goes horribly wrong...you can expect such things...especially when people are enticingly exaggerating and blow this issue totally out of proportion...it depends how the Japanese took it...since the responsible parties had already apologized...

"The pensive-look" time

Just when I think about it...something we should all learn from this incident...I guess there are mistakes that seemed "unforgivable" for some...but still...lets also have some sympathy for this cartoonist also...I have to say...this person might be a no-brainer or a selfish twat to you...for all you know...he is just a human being who cannot run away from making mistakes such as this one...think about it...why would he purposely wanted to hurt the sensitivity of the Japanese and risk his job and perhaps putting his entire lifetime at stake at the mercy of the locals?...did he ask for it?...I don't mind if people are scolding him for his mistake...but bombarding him with insults just make ourselves even more inconsiderate than he is...even to such a degree...I must admit...a certain level of punishment must be carried out to him...as a sense of justice...as a lesson and reminder...(retribution and deterrent factor)

For us normal ordinary folks...for our scale of no-turning-back events...perhaps some of us once made such an offense that was not given any room for forgiveness...perhaps a slip of the tongue...came up with a really bad and dirty practical joke...something we forgot to do or remind ourselves...whatever it is...it might not make any sense to others...to what leap of logic that got us from right to wrong...what lines did we cross?...how low could we get?...people cannot imagine that we had the heart to do such a thing...that is because we don't...only we can understand ourselves...but at least just try to understand and put ourselves in other people's shoes...as the damages had been done...we have to be responsible for the consequences...but it hurts even more when people make "extra-judgments" about us due to our mistakes...

So..be careful out there...don't exercise your freedom of expression too much...=)

Waiting

Waiting could be agonizing and pain staking...sometimes we wish we could wait a longer....waiting is anticipating an event, incident or even someone...which could be something we look forward to or the other way around...

To tell you the truth...it is about SPM 2010 results...a mixed feeling...yes...I'm sure everyone would be biting their nails right now as the date for the release of the results is on 23 March or something like that...this time its very accurate...so..I am one of those who is having their stomachs infested with butterflies and about burst...as your heart keeps imploding...

I'm worried..and the clock keeps ticking...as the tide waits for no man...

Progression

uhh...nope...not the F5 additional mathematics topic...it may sound similar but I was going for the literal meaning of it...in life terms...and not expressed in numbers okay....okay....

Its almost the end of February...the aftermath of the transition had witnessed....I would say...from my point of view...how I had evaluate it though...a more or less stagnant days after 3 months of finishing school...I was eager to enter college or university quickly...its not that I don't lke staying at home...but somehow...I need some sort of direction...a guideline of what I should do to prepare myself for the world....here are some situations of the post SPM life overall view from me...

Getting a Job

Yeah...what could be more exciting and time consuming than getting yourself preoccupied with work....I know...its one of the most beneficial things that anyone could recommend to me...perhaps it is just me...refusing to negate the fact...bearing a little hard work...yes...previously I had said that I was looking for a job...but then again...I'm not sure again...the reasons why...maybe because I thought it might be tiring....boring at times...exasperating because your having an irritating boss...I don't know...sounds petty I know...I'll have to reconsider this...maybe its just the case of being reluctant to start something new....a lot of sacrifices had to be made...like less time for hanging out...or to do something like lazing around for your hobby and leisure..

Hangout

Very exciting...really...but...I might have to concede the fact that it had been burning holes in the pockets of your parents...especially if you're not working...so...not really a good idea...but...if you want to do it sometimes...I guess it's fine....but having fun all day doesn't seem right right?....its like your living in a fake world where everything is about having fun when we have a lot of other responsibilities....

Online

Its the only social gateway I have right now...who ever wondered that I spoke less than like 20 words to my friends...a day...verbally I mean...owh...the boundaries...my lifestyle really had changed...and its really difficult to set a proper and adequate time table of what I should do...online and playing DOTA is practically the things to kill the time currently...there's just got to be something else that is beneficial at the same time...it's the thing I really want to do....

Ok..I'm done for now at least...I have to keep thinking about the things I really wanted in life...and what should I do necessarily to achieve that...I must not keep following my heart of what I wanted to do instead of what I should be doing...but to put words into practice is REALLY HARD...I've tried...look at the job thingy...anyway...I guess time will tell me what is real and what is not soon enough...I have started to see the signs...I'm trying my best to make the best out of everything...lets get MOVING!!!

Out with the old, In with the new

Yes...more of the sentimental moments...well...its the only thing I got left to do since...Alhamdulillah...today I passed my driving test...so that's over with...it made me realize something...I have somewhat gone through another...mini-transition period....almost like a deja vu....when the student has reached destiny...and the teacher believes his or her job is done...farewell to friends, those who went through the hard times as we did in the same boat...all that's left now is to part ways...and start anew...pretty exaggerating huh?...again, I am encountering the same things again as I used to...in the 5 years scale at least....the automatic response to these circumstances would be...

"Get a grip!!!...that's reality of life!!!"

I try to swallow and digest this...as hard it may seem for me...perhaps I had been taking everything too seriously...I just felt empty...when you have nothing to do with a person anymore...its never going to be the same...in light of this...precedences had shown me something...

All that I need to do is to find a replacement...so...that somehow...leads to our title here...don't get me wrong...I'm not asking to throw away, forget or any negative sort of idea...but...finding new values in our life...something that will keep you satisfied...regardless of how time dictates it...you will still be happy in life...things come and go...and there's nothing wrong...if you find a new one...if you give yourself a chance and add a little bit of gratefulness into you....you'll be on your way...

I realized now...there's no need to be sad...remorse..grieved..lost...and all the unbearable feelings that you've been through...because....you have nothing to lose....just make the best of life and be done with it...and I had...we'll be alright...

Just another story in contrast with the title...my experience is that...most enemies we had in the early days came to be good friends in the older days...

I had some people...who are not really acquainted to me to be exact...due to some misunderstanding...back in Standard 3...his name is Shahnaz...I was in Ipoh back then...on my 1st day of school in Ipoh...I had an argument with him I think and he deliberately stomped on my white shoes until they're dirty...not to mention it hurts too...I swear to myself he was pure evil...and my sworn enemy since then...who would have thought he would then became my bestest best friend in Ipoh till my very last day there until I moved to Shah Alam...how did that happen...I have no idea...it was too long ago...I can only remember the painful memories...I couldn't forget him...we got lost contact now...everything's gone...

A more close to current example would be my house or dorm mate...Musa...back in Form 1...again in the 1st or 2nd day I don't know...I admit it..I started it....its all because he trampled on my double-deck bed without my permission...so I splashed water on his face with bottle and said something really unpleasant...I didn't know how I could came up with that!?...I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed or I didn't have any manners at all...I'm just a kid at that time...he deliberately spit right at me...haha..euww...ok...getting really upset then...sorry Mus...I you're reading this..I would say I totally deserve it...I shouldn't degrade you in anyway...should my broken wrist be a paid debt?...I rather think of it as high school memories....we became close friends after...like a year later!!!..

No, no and no!!...it doesn't work vice-versa...at least I hope it doesn't....from friends to foes?...lets just stay away from that...anyway...do you know what can you REALLY gain from up there...conclusion is...regardless whatever had happened...take less time to think about what you lost...instead...try find a replacement and never hold back to give yourself a try and understand things...you will find the knowledge and experience very useful...and you will feel better after that...=)

Double-Standard

Just before I start with the title...today...I'll be having a driving class at 2:30pm...due to the previous mishap...oops..haha...perhaps the class would prolong for the next consecutive days until Wednesday for retest...suddenly...I somewhat saw something I hadn't foresaw...well...I don't have the confidence to drive to my driving academy...even if I had the chance to do so with my acquired license...nor can I properly deal with myself in bumper-to-bumper situations...and a LOT of other things that I didn't really know about driving...I guess all this while I had only been seeking to pass the test without learning much about competent driving....truth be told I envy people who had gotten their license without a hitch or glitch...because it made me look slow...learning how to drive...maybe that is the thing that I had to accept...I'm not cut out enough for this...still...I just had to work more...even if it means being slow...that's how I am...

Okay..the interlude's over...its just something that bothers me lately...owh...1 more thing.....I decided...I want to look for a JOB!!...finally...okay...let's start....

The term double-standard is commonly used to describe a situation in which one is treated unfairly or differently compared to others...it means a person is given special treatment for certain reasons, but in reality, every individual is at par with each other and is of equal standards...well...at least that was the gaudy definition I made up....

Double-standard...happens for a number of reasons...how should I put it....try to think of a person and why he or she is better than the other...why he or she is special to you?...but both should deserve or have the right to be treated the same way....or try this...in a family...the parents favour one child over the other...that makes more sense...so...the parents are practicing double-standard or favourtism...owh...mind you this is just an exemplary situation...no relation whatsoever to my real life situation...thank you...=)

Since you already painted the picture in your head...now list down the reasons why favourtism or double-standard occurs...I'll list down some of them that I know...

1)Physical appearance
2)Personality
3)Abilities or capabilities

Physical appearance

Em...this is a bit hard to begin with...okay...I guess I have to admit that maybe I'm not like __________ (fill in the blanks with whatever you think fits)....but I am grateful to Allah the Creator that I'm me...so I guess that goes for everyone as well....but it is maybe inevitable that you might be a bit...slightly...eenie meenie bit...by chance perhaps...envious or have that green eyes once you came across someone having the better look (or assumed to be so)....especially when he or she grabs all the attention from the ones you love...OR the other side of the coin...is that you are the one that most of the time that gets the praises and gestures from the people around you....okay...maybe the fence-sitters can be both at the same time...it DOES happen...people have different perspective don't they....

We..as human beings...we love things that look great and attractive...take shopping for a shirt or a dress....of course we took the ones that looks pleasing...presentable...so that everyone else will say the same about us too...unfortunately...I have to say...the question whether you are a human being or an object to be chosen from...isn't a pleasant one....but that's how I feel or look at it...tell me if I'm wrong...I'm sorry for misleading....I think..to me...in a situation that we need to choose...a person..as a partner,friend, or employee...it is something we just might sub-consciously take account for...so..is it necessarily wrong...if you choose to be friends or spouse with someone with good looks who is obviously more popular?...

Thus, a decision must be made...for better or worse...that is the social circle we live in today...try to evaluate yourself...have you ever treated anyone differently without any solid reason?...do you feel embarrassed to be seen by people when you are with someone?...or do you feel like you want the whole world to see he or she being with you?....should you?...to a certain extent...you have to agree...that complexion does have a stake in building relationships...as much as you try to deny or resist it...it occurs without us noticing...

Personality

The biggest cliche ever...when the inner beauty outshines the rest...you know what they say...beauty is in the eye of the beholder...does apparently what we see with our eyes signifies beauty?...looks can be deceiving is more like it...anyway...most people argue that personality of a person is the most important part...lets see how far the idea of personality can traverse...

Yes..the gem of character can really glow...people will look forward to be with someone that has such a great character...just name it...funny..sensible...cool...smart...friendly...caring...and the dreamy adjectives goes on and on and on....their presence seem very convenient to us....how they portray themselves...with such grace...what they do will warm the hearts of anyone...

Basically...the evaluation of personality depends on our actions and what we do...the way we lead our life...and what principles do we carry....people will see what values we bring inside ourselves...But the thing is...some people take these things for granted...they don't take the time to see with their hearts...and treasure the precious personality of a person...until one day...they realize...what they had been missing all this while...well...that goes for only certain people...and that is why personality sometimes become overshadowed...

Ability and Capability

Have you ever became amazed or admire anyone because of the thing they do?...does artistes ring the bell...well...just browse through some amazing things that will wow and awe you...maybe like singers...poets...guitarists...basketball or soccer players....or people who excel in their academics...something!!!...its up to you....your social circles will most probably revolve around those people who excel in the things you are amazed in...don't tell me you'll just ignore Taylor Swift when she's right in front of your eyeballs!!....(unless your not her fan...duh!!)...well...lets try a smaller and reachable scale of events please...okay...if you're a girl...then maybe you'll be more interested in people who are good in certain sports....you get the idea....


Mind you..what I said above there doesn't really apply as "double-standard"...because the term is usually used in things like rights...like in getting a job...government policies...but perhaps...if you think that you are not treated equally as a friend or spouse...that is if you regard it is as your RIGHT...I just like to put it up to make it sound more dramatic and hyperbolic..."favourtism"?...I don't know what's the difference either...google it-lah!!..haha...a piece of advice after the babble...I'm not trying to advocate some strange ideology....nor am I suffering from some dellusional heartbreak...it might or might not be related to my current life...but...in a situation that you want to choose a friend or spouse...think about the thing that matters most...of course anyone would recommend a good personality...yeah...sure...but is that exactly what you are doing right now?...that is a question I pose to myself actually....

Roller coaster

Yup...you could guess what you will be reading about...more of the metaphorical means of defining life...JOY!!!...ok...whatever....something I would like to share reference to the title above...

Midi's Departure

On the 8th of February...I would be losing another great person to me...Hamidi Rahim...my debate senior...2 years older than me...had left Malaysia bound for Australia...he'll be in Monash, Melbourne...he's taking up law not mistaken..sponsored by BNM!!!...great scholar...So...me and Ashman went to say our farewells...till the very end...his jokes and sense of humour still never fails to crack everyone especially me...he boarded his FIRST FLIGHT in his life...but he never appears to be sad to leave...perhaps he never really shows it...there's still facebook...so...I don't have to worry much...thanks to Zuhri...I wouldn't have to take KLIA Express again which costs RM35...he offered to drive us to KL Sentral...it was really kind and courteous of him...really thankful to have such seniors like them...So..this small gathering as "HoLa"s really was meaningful because being able to see them...eventhough not often...really put us back together again like old times...even at this point of time...they shared their life experiences and giving advices to me on how to take on the challenge after SPM...

Nadz's Birthday

Truth be told...I've never been somewhere to hangout or anything by myself...since I finished school...I don't have many friends in the vicinity since I went to boarding school...either that or I am inexperienced of taking the public transport...so this was a great opportunity....Ashman and I went to Mid Valley from KL Sentral...a bit tired from the journey...we stopped by at BB for some refreshments...we chat for like an hour only about our role to improve the school the debate team...we met Aiman and Nadz in front of the GSC....exchanged a few words and we're off to go SHOPPING!!...I bought 3 T-shirts for myself but I'm not sure whether Ashman did really buy anything for himself...it was mainly me who is a bit enthusiastic at that moment...we had lunch at Little Penang Cafe...as recommended by Ashman...then..it was finally time for the real agenda....all of us gathered at Secret Recipe...Aiman,Nadz of course...Wan,Daus Azri,Aina and Kelly...I was somewhat unprepared about coming to celebrate Nadz's birthday...I didn't know about the plan at all...at least until Ashman told me...never mind...so...no birthday presents or cards...SORRY!!...my fault I guess...other than a lot of conversations and Daus keep insisting me on eating MORE cake...all of us were a bit blur of what to do next...and the next thing we know was going for laser tag...many of us never played it before and we had a great time...by 6..we already needed to part ways...my legs were killing me...I could barely descend on the staircase...Daus had to carry me on his back half way down when I decided I needed to do this on my own...even if it kills me...Me ,Nadz and Azri reached Shah Alam around 8...due to the congestion of mass transit...all in all...it was a great day!!


Abort and Fail

My instructor was busy so I had to come to the driving academy myself...I had to wake up early so my dad can send me there...for the fact the test is an hour later!!!...no biggie actually...sitting and doing nothing for an hour isn't really a big deal...I text my friends to keep the time going...alas...a good friend of mine...who planned to visit me this weekend had to abort the whole thing...I was really disappointed...I was not sure of the reason...but regardless...its fine...and its another RM130 for me to take the retest because I just failed the road section...my parents had to fork out more money just because of me...wth....


But do you know what's worse....."getting left behind"....

THAT was a totally different thing altogether....conclusion is...its just life...

Head On

You will be my enemy..now and always...because you wanted to see me fall...now and always...

You thought that you won...and you did...I won't let you get away with it...I'll ruin your days ahead...and your victory becomes meaningless...

Even if others seem to think like you do...do I even bother if the whole world turn into the likes of you...

I might have fallen...from the pillars of strength...even my two legs cannot support me with the burden you put on me...

Watching me sprawl on the face of the earth in pain and agony....elicit smiles...you laugh to celebrate my suffering...


I know what you want....and you know what....I have it...and I'm not going to relinquish it...

Have you ever thought that you are wasting your time....spending a life to ruin mine...

Can't you see I'm standing up again....your efforts are worthless...

I'm smiling again...and you're not....

To think that I'm going to give up....not a chance...

I'll trample over you...I'm not going to look back...

I'm going to turn the tables on you...time will help me dig your grave...

Good riddance to the evil inside us...=)

Relationship

As I was walking...wandering haplessly...a caption of description caught my sight...

"Relationships are like plants; they will wilt and die if you don't care for them..."

Well...I thought...perhaps...

So..when I think about it everytime...when it comes to maintaining relationships...whether it is friendship or romantic relationships...I guess there are a lot of things that we need to remember...if you had a successful one...or deemed so...the quote up there is just one of the million other philosophical and metaphorical statement made to remind us of human connection...

As for me...after had finished taking SPM...basically finished high school...everyone had entered a new phase in life...where you are on your own most of the time...occupied with their own ways...forming new social circles...a perfect moment that will attest our commitment in maintaining relationships...

Time is making this plant we are talking about dehydrated...coarsened by the searing heat and blinding sunshine...so I am just wondering how do I know how committed the other behalf is...since it is a two way communication...maybe apparently there is no way of knowing (unless clearly stated)...if they really treasure this plant...but if you think this plant is a burden to you just because the other person does not do anything about it either...does it make you as ignorant as the latter?

From my standpoint...I would rather be the one to rectify and preserve the relationship first even if the other person seemed passive...why wait when we could always be the first to make the move to save a weakening bond...sometimes it is not about commitment...its about limitations, constraints and different paths in life that separates us from the other party...

thinking about ending a relationship?...trying to erase a person from your mind?...whatever it is...you can't just have that vengeance in you to continuously hate a person...it will only hurt and ache even more that it already is...looks like this plant has thorns...still...its a plant that we must take care of...if its just too hard...lets just maintain a safe distance...let go...but don't let it die...the consequences of cutting ties will only spur more hatred around us...it will spread like a plague...relationship with other people will deteriorate as we lose confidence and trust in people gradually...

meeting new people is a great opportunity to make your life even cheerful...like gardening?...even if you don't..you would still enjoy having a wide array of plants in your garden...different people have different characteristics which we might like or don't like...but their presence will make us feel more complete...if only people take some time to discover and understand new things...our perception will change too...avoid being skeptical...you might miss something what others don't...

So..I'm just going to try my best to take care of my plants....even if it died...I have no regrets...hopefully it will decompose and let a new one sprout...but I'm really sure not to forget its roots...it's just memories that I have to keep to myself...even if others had moved on...if it means forgetting....maybe I don't want to move on...let me stay here and rot until another comes to greet with a helping hand and a reassuring smile....for I would be grateful once more to keep myself going...

Just pull out the weeds why don't ya!!

Bump in The Road

Okay...this post might be pertaining to my streak of stressful driving classes...very frustrated indeed...(sigh)...I have no one to depend on but myself...I'm going to be liable and responsible for my actions...and I even might get others also involved because of my own carelessness and incompetence...hate it so much...but I had no choice...

to be directly speaking...I am totally bad when it comes to driving...now at least...but it goes also for other things for me...so...I am still wondering what should I do now to overcome this problem...of meeting the standards...to live in this very challenging world...I really don't like to burden or cause trouble for others...but in the state of being me now does just that....

I'm just going to make more efforts to eradicate the things that constantly bugs me...

Yikes!!!

To where it leads to...I'm not sure...but what is certain is that I have to keep going...its about time now...it wouldn't wait for me until it closes permanently...I'm ready for the risk...the consequences...the outcome shall not influence about how I view my decision...I wouldn't regret this...Door of Destiny...here I come...

Washed Away By The Waves

To else with it...

I Can't Let Go

"Assalamualaikum and a very pleasant morning I bid Mr. Principal,Mr.

Abdul Hashim b. Abdul Karim,Dr. Mior Hamdan b. Haji Ghazali,Senior Assistant,Mr.Zakaria b.Yusof,Senior Assistant of Student Affairs,Mr.Haji Badri b. Abdul Manaf,Senior Assistant of Co-curricular activities,senior teachers,teachers, and beloved STARians..."

* * * *

As if I had woken up from a trance...this was last year...and the years before...I can't imagine myself anymore standing next to the rostrum...parallel to the flagpole...which the Jalur Gemilang soar elegantly as it made its way to the top...aside from the blaring orchestra symphony by the band members...new faces...old faces...say greetings to each other...the 1st day of school had just begun...FOR THOSE WHO ARE STILL IN SCHOOL...

Sorry...I just can't seem to escape that nostalgic,sentimental thingy....haha...if it weren't for my cat...I wouldn't be in this spellbinding dilemma...I guess it started when my cat started to "knock" at the door asking to come inside the house...when I opened the door...the fresh,cool dawn gust of air seeps directly into my senses...the vibes...the aura...the environment...its all just too familiar...

My mum,who is a teacher, clad in her typical teacher attire like the rest of the teachers I know...said to me..

"usually at this time...You will be messaging us before going to school..."

That is just enough to make my eyes all watery...argh....I just nodded benignly....and I put up a slight smile...acknowledging what she meant...school's over for me...

I might be complaining now and then about how boring school is...but I wouldn't be imagining either I would be saying all these things...(sigh)....Get a life and move on, you hoarder!!!...(strangling myself)

1)Teachers
2)Friends
3)Co-curricular activities

If I am standing in the verdant Kinta Valley RIGHT NOW (teleporting myself)....(virtually)...the first thing I wanted to know is how the teachers are doing...I bet it is just the same as their previous years...they had been teachers their whole life...but...its just good to know if they are doing fine...likewise I'm sure...just like the years before...I would also be thinking about the teachers who I am are really intimate or close with...the same person who brought me from nothing...from gullible Form 1 until rebellious Form 5...their ways...fared far from changes...and they will do the same...again and again...until the next person came in line....special dedication and tribute to ALL TEACHERS IN STAR...

FRIENDS...they are all over Malaysia right now...some had gone somewhere....namely PLKN and pre-university programmes...or just sitting and relaxing like what I am doing right now...haha....but...its the memories and the past actions with them...still lies HERE....when you just stood there...whether it is in the dorm or the dining hall...or the surau....it bombards your mind with countless, endless, ceaseless visions....flashbacks keep playing in your mind..."once upon a time"..."it once happened"....now...you don't have a chance to re-live...reincarnate...or been through it once more...for all is lost...gone...consumed by time and phase...The next generation had taken over...it could be somewhat agonizing or comforting...those things are like treasures that you just want to lock it in and seal right inside a chest...I could still contact my friends right now...but the feeling wasn't the same like when it used to...our lives had differed now due to the inevitable parting of ways...perhaps our paths will or can cross and converge...but it won't stay the same like it did 5 years ago...To Batch of 50...wherever you are...hope your doing fine...(sob)

owh...the more...enlightening part..."ko-ko"...don't you still have that fighting spirit for your school...keep it...you might need it one day...just got bored in school and you feel you want to do something...that's it...I don't have to elaborate on the typical essay question about the importance of co-curricular activities....well...been there done that...your too old for that level playing field...I know for certain....but at least we can still live on the legacy of our own...use the experience and knowledge we have for our own future...perhaps that is what we already thought about since the day we started...just browse through your certificates and you'll be reminiscing the places you've been...the exciting and nerve-wrecking moments...the grief and anguish of competitions...your social circle expanded cross borders...give yourself a pat in the back for the fact you've been through it all...as for me...I have to train the juniors for the debate team...chaiyok!!!

Okay...I can take off that contraption from my face now and step back into reality...Actually, I have anticipated all of these to happen a long time ago...but I still fall for it...perhaps I just can't let go of it...just YET!!! haha...cherrio!!

Conscious

Today's post would be on conscious...the definition of conscious literally would be ranging from experiencing,feelings,awareness and understanding...quite straight forward right...

1)Do I need to be conscious?
2)What is there to be conscious about?
3)Am I conscious enough?

Yes...we would want to be conscious...like it or not...it is a part of being human...we care and we share the world where everyone is inter-connected...co-mingle...there is no choice...such anti-social behaviour that is against the principle of being conscious such as self-isolation and being indifferent to self and the world...a dark feeling it is...everyone will go through such things..whether it is in relationships,humanity and life itself...we will be conscious about something...but sometimes people chose to play the role of 'I don't care anybody but myself'...'to hell with everyone'...'its not my problem'...'its not like you have any importance to me'...these kind of people lack of consciousness...to realize that they are only leading themselves and others to their absolute detriment...no one benefits...no interest gain...but mutual destruction...is certain...So...it is important to be conscious about everything or anyone around us...we must care about people and the world...whether if we don't know them...or we hate them...we are still looking at the same thing at the same standpoint....there is no different worlds between us...life is better when you and I live for a better future...lets take example of global warming...how many of us are conscious enough to take part in green programmes?...did we did our part to safeguard the environment?...if we conscious enough...we'll do the necessary things...what about the poor?...the victims of a natural disaster or human actions?...its all similar...with consciousness...we will make a change...

Basically..conscious carries values of love,sincerity,unity, and so much more...sometimes...we tend to forget being conscious...or perhaps the sub-conscious mind had lead us somewhere...that might hurt others...unintentionally...well...understanding here plays a vital role...if we understand something or someone very well...much conflicts can be avoided...many souls can be saved...many hearts can be consoled or comforted...both parties of each sides can take the task of being the understanding entities...such conflicts and miscommunication can be resolved in a minute time...we must understand the other party's viewpoint or situation...then only...we will fathom their true hearts...and come to our senses...that it isn't worth fighting for...we can promote understanding by being tolerant and patient...

Consciousness last as there is sincerity...we don't want returns, rewards or any kind..we want to be conscious about life and humanity itself...we must appreciate our ability to reason...have empathy and sympathy...think of yourself and others...some people put others ahead of themselves...I am not saying it is totally a good thing to do so...perhaps to a certain extend...the principle behind what actions we do...is what matters...our intentions...to give joy to others...alleviate sorrows...and it multiplies...it frees us all from the guilt...

Sacrifices are inevitable...but you may not lose anything...we will in fact gain much at the end of the day through our quality of life...sometimes we feel there is something missing in life...it maybe something that we haven't fulfilled yet towards other things...To Muslims...Allah created us to do good in the world...we have obligations to Him, the people around us and ourselves through fardhu kifayah and fardhu ain...we must be conscious of all of it..

That is all for now...my hopes that we will all raise our level of consciousness and make things work for all...do not foster the ill feeling such as hatred and anger...if we experience such feeling from others or within ourselves...let us be the one to stop the vicious cycle...and forgive ourselves and others for the damages that traversed...

Farewell and Kudos

I am going and will be missing my friends of Batch of 50...who will have many undertakings in the future...


Farewell to Aiman Sanudin...haha...who will be going to Kolej Tuanku Jaafar this Wednesday...I personally pray for your success here and hereafter....last words from me is...take care of yourself...and be happy always...you're truly amazing...kudos to you...I owe you a lot...only Allah can repay my debts to you......you are an ideal icon of a successful person to me...:)..(sigh)...at the moment...I cannot find right words to say to you...




Farewell to Syafiq Affendy aka peya...who will be attending PLKN or National Service...very great character...wacky...haha....llikeable at all times...kudos for being such a great friend to many people..especially Batch of 50...last words is tc...don't let others influence you too much okay...be yourself!!!...
not forgetting also my good friend amir ashraf!!!!...kudos for always cheering me up....have a great experience while you are at the camp...I am sure there are many adventures await you there...bye amir!!!

And also not forgetting to others Batch of 50 who had gone for PLKN...

Time really flies doesn' it....:(